To ask how to stop wanting a third?

[perplexedandbemused]

I want another child. I cannot shake the feeling that there is someone missing from our family. I grew up with 4 siblings and I like that I have so many people to draw upon and rely on. I love the chaos of family get togethers. My sister has 3 children and one brother has 4. Their lives are hectic but to me it seems wonderful. The kids squabble at time but they absolutely love eachother. My sister's children are all older teens/young adults now and watching them fledge the nest and have adventures together is amazing. My mums phone never stops ringing between us and the grandkids. She calls her life so full and I'd love that for me and my kids.

However, DH is done. We have two amazingly happy, healthy children who miraculously (so far) get along. I now need to accept that this it is for us. We travel a lot as we have family abroad and it's easy for one adult to take both kids away. The car is the right size, the house is the right size, our finances are working. We have friends who are happy to look after our kids for a day or evening and we regularly have friends children here. There's enough capacity for each child to have a friend over without feeling stretched. We all fit around a dinner table, everyone can have 121 time with a parent, we fit in people's houses when we go to visit, hotel rooms aren't an issue, theme parks work, flights aren't an issue. There are a hundred logical reasons to stop where we are.

I just need to accept it. That's the only bit of the puzzle currently not in place. Yet my heart feels so heavy about it and none of the logical things I'm throwing it's way seem to be helping the situation. I've been keeping a list of all the moments where life feels balanced and nice to try and talk myself into being content with the situation as is. I know we are overwhelmingly blessed. I've tried telling myself it's selfish to want more. It's environmentally selfish, the kids would have less attention from us, they'd have less of everything as the money would be stretched, there would be less room etc. My youngest is 3. I don't particularly want to go through the newborn stage again but when I imagine them as adults I keep seeing 3 of them, when I see my siblings and friends with 3 children I am filled with jealousy.

How do I get my heart and traitorous ovaries to be on the logical same page as my brain and accept that we are done?! Will the longing ever cease?

YABU - it gets easier, you'll get over it
YANBU - it may always feel like there's someone missing

There's no magical answer. Like you said, you just need to accept it. When you get the pang or imagine three grown up children, say to yourself okay, I acknowledge this feeling, but it isn't useful. Then think of something else.

I think in your shoes I’d be asking myself what was making me so attracted to the idea of a life characterised by ‘lots of people’ and ‘chaos’, and why you equate a ‘full’ life with lots of children and grandchildren.

I mean, I’d be looking at if there’s something ‘missing’ in you or in your current life, rather than deciding the missing thing is another person you’re supposed to have in your family.

@Subfusc that's a fair point. I have a very full life already and often remind myself that introducing another child at this point would make my clubs/exercise classes etc more difficult as there'd be more juggle. I like being surrounded by people and have a career and social life which reflects that. Idk what word to use other than chaos for the life I've experienced with a big family 😂 it's busy, but in a good way. I think often our crew uses the word 'chaos' in a very positive affectionate way. Mum is the same, she's in a multitude of clubs and groups, volunteers etc. We're not good at being quiet or not having anything to do, and having a big family lends itself well to that.

Thanks, I actually haven't tried just acknowledging it yet. I've always been trying to quash it or logic myself out of the feeling. Maybe it just needs to be felt. Worth a go.

wish I'd found this thread before I posted!

For anyone else needing additional logical reasons on this topic there's lots here.... https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5033440-to-ask-you-to-talk-me-out-of-wanting-a-3rd

Well what do you associate with a happy life? Some people like being around family and hustle and bustle rather than sitting under a blanket staring at the rain. Posters on here are so sneering of bigger families but I grew up as one of 4 and loved it - my brother and sister are my biggest confidantes now.

I had the same feelings and did have a third. By the time I was half way through my pregnancy and my 2nd child was about 2, that longing for a third actually disappeared in a puff of smoke! I think if I had held on a bit longer I'd have seen how much easier life gets, would have enjoyed having more time to myself, and been able to enjoy the next stages with my two.

My third baby is an absolute joy and obviously I don't regret it. But 'hectic' is very hard, it's really expensive (childcare, new car etc), I don't feel like I have enough time for them as individuals, I certainly have no time for myself, and it's another three years of my career taking back seat (admittedly I've chosen to work PT which it's not everyone's choice).

All I can say is to try keep listening to your logic because all the things you are saying about the advantages of 2 are correct!

It’s fine to acknowledge that you could always have another in a perfect world. I think with unlimited resources and finances many women might want another.
Focus on the logical reasons you are mutually deciding to stick with 2, your existing children will have more attention from you, more resources etc.

Did you not discuss your desire for a big family before you married DH?

I am 1 of 5, my dad is 1 of 6, so I knew, like you, that I wanted to replicate that chaos and togetherness that I had as a child. My DH knew on our 1st date that I hoped to have 5 children and that that was the life he was signing up for if he married me. I am 6 months pregnant with number 3.

Congratulations on your bump!

Hmm, kind of. TBH when I met my husband I was in my 20's and wasn't sure I wanted any children. We did speak about how much I loved being from a big family, but at the same time I was enjoying my life of earning money, travelling and selfish freedom. Two of my siblings are in their late 40's with no children and they make the DINK lifestyle look gooooooood!

DH on the other hand has been very clear since our 3rd date that he wanted 2 children, ideally (if we were lucky/it worked out) fewer than 3 years apart. He had to wait a while for them but that's what we have. That was the life I signed up for when I married him (when I went on the 4th date tbh!). But I wasn't prepared for how much I'd pine for more. The idea of having 3 hit me during my first pregnancy. Once my life was headed that way I was suddenly all in. Totally underestimated the pull. Now I'm trying my hardest to accept that it's not going to happen. DH and I have talked about it and it would be grossly unfair when he's been so sure since forever that 2 is the right number for him. Just isn't an option and I don't want to push him into anything, so I'm working on me.

Also sincere apologies if any of my phasing in my original message is unintentionally rude or triggering to anyone who does have 3 or more. I'm a big advocate for 'you do you', in whatever set up you may have. Was just listing the reasons I've got for me personally to try and be content with my individual status quo.

My DH did not want three whereas I desperately did. Like you, I found this really hard to accept and still do sometimes thanks to hormones, but like your DH he was adamant and I had no choice really but to respect that. I try to remind myself how lucky I am to be able to spend quality time with the two I have. Planning fun things to do helps, day trips and holidays. DH and I are both from large families and while my siblings and I had fun, my most cherished moments from childhood are the ones where I was with a parent 1:1. And DH was the eldest and even at 50 is still overlooked quite often! Often in large familes, there are some siblings who have few or no children and I often wonder if their experiences as children contribute to this. I think my youngest would have struggled as a middle child. (I might get a dog though!)

Also, you can still have large chaotic family gatherings as it sounds like you have lots of nieces and nephews!

It's so difficult and DH did agree to 3 and Ds1 came along. I yearned for no 4 which sadly didn't happen. Acceptance can be very upsetting x

It's very difficult. Know that its sometimes not what you think or hope it might be. Hard to say. I had the third. Lots has happened since then. And she's a bright spark but not easy to parent. Now I know what people mean when they say if I'd had this one first I may not have had any more. On the other hand, I feel done, so so done omg, and think I would always have felt sad and I just wasn't done. And she's so funny. And a nightmare. Really hard to say. Sometimes I do think should have stopped at two. Other times not. I suppose my point is that you think having another one is what you want but it's just life, it brings more issues, some good, some not. Everything changes anyway.