Working from home and after school routine

[getyergladragson]

I work 10-2 at home then pick the kids up from school. DH is supposed to be working from 9am til dinner time (5pm). It's lovely that he can pop in and out and chat to me and the kids from pickup until dinner and he is around for emergencies.

Problems arise when as well as popping in to say hi, he starts telling them how long they can have on screens, how at X time he thinks they should go outside for some air, getting involved in squabbles and telling them when to do homework etc.

I know he is only being a good parent but it does mean I'm telling them one thing (as I'm the one looking after them when he's working and there is a loose routine after school) then he's up behind me telling them to do something else then in the next minute he trots off back into his office.

He doesn't mean it in a bad way, he is just trying to parent and work at the same time as he feels like he is missing out on the fun.

He is self-employed so can pick and choose when he starts and finishes a task.

Does anyone else have the kids at home 3:30-5pm when their partner is working from home?

How does it look for you? Do you agree who is 'on' or just have everyone around as normal family time? AIBU?

I am the partner working in this situation - usually what I do is I take a break from work until tea time, then we all eat together, and then after that DD is usually more settled and happy to start playing or go outside and I go back to work from around 5pm until around 6.30pm when I finish and do bath / bedtime.

I think from practice and experience we know it is really hard to be working when she comes home as usually she is a bit emotional / loud / tired / hungry after being at school all day so best to just have a complete break in work for a bit, then crack on again once she's calmed down.

Makes sense snowpaw. You are doing one thing at a time so no confusion.

DH’s office is on another floor to the living room where they generally hang out so he is well away from the action so to speak. He does need to get work done before teatime so he can phone companies in office hours so not possible to pause work 3:30-5pm.

I’m finding both kids are tired/hungry and they love seeing him after school of course but him giving them all the comments/suggestions about what they could do next/time limits on things etc after they’ve been at school all day can make them more ratty. Esp when I can tell they just need a bit of headspace/downtime.

I make dinner/sort their stuff out after achool etc

There’s a lot of:

Tea will be ready in a minute so come to the table please.
But Daddy said we could do this for another 10 mins/we don’t have to get off our ipads yet/we don’t have to come in from the garden yet.

Daddy has since disappeared back into his office.

Am I being over the top about it? I don’t know!

We each have a day off and often the other person is WFH.

We have found it best to be really disciplined about it and don't come down from the home office until after we are finished with work.

Yeah he can't be making pronouncements about what they're allowed to be doing and then disappearing off. You're the primary parent in those hours so if he does pop down he should be supporting whatever plan you've put in place.

The 6 weeks holidays are coming up. I only work-term time. He’s in and out of the office so much I don’t know what’s going on. Sometimes we just want to have a wedge of downtime or go with the flow without a plan.

He is an excellent planner though as it’s part of his job and he arranges fun stuff which is great.

When my husband is wfh and I'm looking after our girls after school he generally stays upstairs until time for tea about 5.30. Our girls usually go up and say hi and tell him something about their day for 5 mins and then come back down and we do snack, homework, park or swim/ballet class/Rainbows until tea time. We are very clear that giving contradictory advice is unhelpful for both the girls and each other.

You need an urgent chat with him after the dc are in bed. Explain that its not working for you and you are feeling that he is undermining your parenting. Ask him what he can suggest to resolve the situation. If he is truely a good DH and father he will be mortified and chenge his behaviour to coming in for a quick hello and then any DC questions are answered with..ask your mother, she is in charge as Im working right now.

My DH and I both work from home and both have days where we finish early and pick up kids. My office is in the house and his is in garden/summer house. The person who picks them up is in charge. They plan what needs doing and manage homework, screens, outside play etc depending on how the kids are that day. Working parent works. Will usually say hello and have a hug as soon as they can after they get home but then broadly disappear until dinner time.

Yes. He can’t understand why the contradictory advice isn’t helpful after a long school day when they’ve already had adults instructing them all day.

I think it’s really important to let kids have some free unstructured time so they can reset. He often has to schedule the weekend. I have to tell him that they need this down time as well as the action.

His answer to this previously is that we are both home so we can both parent. He gets hurt if I suggest that something we are doing isn’t working.

We are both glad he’s got a flexible job so he can help when needed but in the nicest possible way, I can handle the after school time alone whilst he’s working.

He sees them every morning, every night and all weekend (mostly dominated by sports club with them) so we have plenty of family time.

Feels like he’s a bit anxious?

Yes his office is in the house and mine is in garden.

You need to assign someone as the lead parent and let them make the rules. Not my shift, not my rules. Otherwise everything is up for debate and the kids will think so too = chaos. If I am working, I don't care what routine my husband follows, provided I am not disturbed.

Yes the kids are always arguing back about when things are happening and trying to make deals (they are primary age). I think this is the reason why. He gets defensive If I even suggest something he is doing isn’t working.

I am the partner in this situation. I dont completely shut myself off I am only in the next room, the kids come to me sometimes as well as their Dad. But we work as a team and I don't undermine something he has said and vice versa.

Of course they go to him for a cuddle and a chat. It’s when he tells them how he thinks their next few hours should go but he’s not gonna actually be around for it. What if I want to do something different with them? I don’t know how to approach it as he says I’m giving him rules.

But it sounds like he’s giving you rules - or at least a schedule - for that after school time? I’d feel micromanaged and controlled by that - where’s the space for you for take the lead? Acting hurt/upset when you try to raise an issue is also quite controlling!

I think I’d handle it by an assertive conversation where I keep coming back to ‘this isn’t working for me’, ‘I need to set my own agenda’, empathise ‘I know you are trying to [insert positive reason you think he does this], however I would like to be able to schedule this time with the kids myself’.

This sounds crazy- he needs to stay working until he’s finished and then have uninterrupted family time!

We have an after school nanny and I sometimes wfh- I would not dream of popping in and out, telling DS he could have his iPad etc and undermine her, it would be so disrespectful to someone. The same respect should be shown to the parent looking after the kids IMO.

DS finds it confusing if he does see me before I’ve finished work so I try to stay out of sight as much as possible and then when I’m finished I can be present with him.

DH agreed when I brought it up and he said he’ll leave it to me. Or the other way round if I’m working and he’s not. Thanks for your advice x

I don’t think he realises he’s doing it. When you work from home and have kids plus you have a large amount of planning to do in your job role, it must be hard to switch off.

Can you swap work spaces so DH is in the garden and less accessible/out of the way?

We both wfh and alternate who is with DS after pickup (sit at dining table working, whereas the other one sits in the home office).

We leave whoever is with DS that day to sort him out and try to stay out of the way!!

Surely you can point it out to DH and explain why it’s annoying.

Just don't back his instructions if you don't agree with them. Tell him you didn't realise he said it sorree.

DH focuses in his work during work hours and stays at his desk when the dc get home - they barely know he's there (and often in meetings so can't be interrupted). Then he switched off at 5.30 and we all have dinner together, and we parent together for the rest of the evening. My dc usually do an after school activity, and get home around 4.30pm, so there's usually only an hour to fill (and there's usually homework etc).

I could have written this, exactly this in our house too.