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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being dramatic?

30 replies

Beanz2022 · 07/07/2024 21:41

Right I need to get this out on Mumsnet as I feel it’s the only place I get fair opinions.

been with husband 8 years? Married 2. He’s ALWAYS been a heavy snorer to the point we can’t sleep in the same bed ( despite me asking him most days to go to a doctor or go private to see if anything can be done, or if there is a route cause) he if ignores me and carries on snoring.

it clearly has affected our relationship (hence the none sleeping together) yet he doesn’t see a problem, in fact - he complains at me for not wanting to sleep next to him, and then makes it a me problem.

anyway - we have moved into a new house in the last year and he (for context) has always been a video gamer so likes to stay up till all hours in the morning playing games downstairs, he then falls asleep and starts snoring - waking me up in the process at around 3am every single fucking morning, meaning I’m having to get out of bed - shout downstairs to GO TO BED!!!! I then can’t get back to sleep ( I have to be up early to do a full time job and the school run)

he still doesn’t see an issue here and continues to do it.

please help! I’m at my wits end, ready to walk out - also he’s 47 years old, and I am 35.

OP posts:
Miley1967 · 07/07/2024 21:46

So are you sleeping in a downstairs room too ? I do sympathies as my dh is a terrible snorer too, I can often hear him from another room or through the ceiling . It can put a strain on a marriage. We always end up falling out on holidays abroad as I just don't get any sleep. If we go away in the Uk we have to book a lodge or caravan that has enough bedrooms for us to sleep separately. It is so annoying. My dh has bad asthma and something wrong with his jaw which he cannot have surgery on without it being risky so it is something we just have to put up with and work around as best we can.
You are young though op and it's a long future ahead putting up with this if he won't do anything about it.

Original poster
Beanz2022 · 07/07/2024 21:48

Miley1967 · 07/07/2024 21:46

So are you sleeping in a downstairs room too ? I do sympathies as my dh is a terrible snorer too, I can often hear him from another room or through the ceiling . It can put a strain on a marriage. We always end up falling out on holidays abroad as I just don't get any sleep. If we go away in the Uk we have to book a lodge or caravan that has enough bedrooms for us to sleep separately. It is so annoying. My dh has bad asthma and something wrong with his jaw which he cannot have surgery on without it being risky so it is something we just have to put up with and work around as best we can.
You are young though op and it's a long future ahead putting up with this if he won't do anything about it.

Edited

Hey! Thank you for responding x

no I’m upstairs in my bed, and I can hear him all the way downstairs.. he’s that loud. ☹️

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/07/2024 21:52

It sounds like him not getting enough sleep isn't helping the situation.

If he's up all night playing games, what time does he have to get up for work?

Either way he's being very selfish, to not at least try to get help.

Original poster
Beanz2022 · 07/07/2024 21:55

TwattyMcFuckFace · 07/07/2024 21:52

It sounds like him not getting enough sleep isn't helping the situation.

If he's up all night playing games, what time does he have to get up for work?

Either way he's being very selfish, to not at least try to get help.

Hey! He does shifts, and fortunately for him the late night video gaming doesn’t affect his job.

but is affecting my sleep and I’m miserable. You are right he is being so selfish, and really
doesnt seem to care to change it or get some help.

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 07/07/2024 21:56

Have you tried recording him?

I found that useful for DH to understand
Also helped when visitors mentioned they could hear him through the wall

There was also a program about sleep apnea and how it affects the brain - gave him a jolt

You have my sympathy

Curtainnovice · 07/07/2024 21:57

I mean I’m assuming he doesn’t help much around the house or with kids if he’s up all night gaming

if you can hear him upstairs, have you tried white noise to drown him out? Is he not disturbing the kids?

i think I’d rather be by myslf

Createausername1970 · 07/07/2024 22:02

My DH was a LOUD snorer, could be heard all over the house. But he was willing to engage and was referred by GP to a sleep consultant at the local hospital. He took part in a sleep study and was found to have very severe sleep apnea. He now uses a cpap machine.

If you can get your husband to engage, I would strongly recommend you try to get him to go to GP for a referral. May not even need to see GP, may be able to just contact surgery and request a referral.

Just because he snores heavily doesn't automatically mean he has sleep apnea, but I believe it's a common denominator.

Otherwise, can I suggest you leave a radio playing quietly when you go to sleep. I found that helped a lot, but not exactly sure why. Didn't need to be loud to actually drown out the snoring, but having another low background noise seemed to help my brain ignore the snoring.

cupcaske123 · 07/07/2024 22:04

Can't you get earplugs? Sounds like he needs to see the GP.

Original poster
Beanz2022 · 07/07/2024 22:04

Curtainnovice · 07/07/2024 21:57

I mean I’m assuming he doesn’t help much around the house or with kids if he’s up all night gaming

if you can hear him upstairs, have you tried white noise to drown him out? Is he not disturbing the kids?

i think I’d rather be by myslf

Ha! How did you know?

he does what he thinks is “acceptable” and the bare minimum.

I’ve tried headphones in with white noise on to drown him out, but it’s really hurting my ears and I find myself not keeping them in,

our 6 year old sleeps through it as he’s a very heavy sleeper.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 08/07/2024 01:21

no I’m upstairs in my bed, and I can hear him all the way downstairs.. he’s that loud. ☹️

Through a closed door? Wow he's loud!

Could you soundproof your room? Use thick carpets or rugs, a sound cancelling curtain over the door, accousic panels and/or shelves or furniture against the walls towards where he is. Plus some soft earplugs?

Obviously he should be dealing with his problem

Mmhmmn · 08/07/2024 01:24

Walk.
What a feckless, selfish, idiotic man baby he sounds. How you have stuck it this long I don’t know.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2024 01:27

Why are you still burdening your life with this disgustingly selfish, useless man? The best years of your life are being completely wasted on this loser.

Get the fuck rid of him.

Apileofballyhoo · 08/07/2024 01:30

He is very selfish and irresponsible.

andjustlikethat1 · 08/07/2024 01:30

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2024 01:27

Why are you still burdening your life with this disgustingly selfish, useless man? The best years of your life are being completely wasted on this loser.

Get the fuck rid of him.

Wow 😮

WiddlinDiddlin · 08/07/2024 04:24

I had to record DP before he realised just how loud he really was. Managed to nag/bully him into getting referred for sleep apnea which he claimed he could not possibly have... despite all the symptoms.

Severe obstructive sleep apnea. CPAP machine. Sorted... and strangely enough he's a lot nicer to be around now he isn't permanently sleep deprived.

Elsvieta · 08/07/2024 20:42

Wax earplugs - not foam, they don't work. Quies are good.

LoveWine123 · 08/07/2024 20:51

Not that that’s a solution, but have you looked into Loop earplugs?

WallaceinAnderland · 08/07/2024 20:55

He's not doing it on purpose. He can't help snoring.

Are you saying that if he were in another bedroom upstairs his snoring would not wake you up?

If so, that's the solution.

Passmetheaero · 08/07/2024 21:05

What’s the relationship like generally?

BuggeryBumFlaps · 08/07/2024 21:07

I think it's completely selfish of him. But by the sounds of things he's a selfish man. Only does the bare minimum around the house and childcare? As for not addressing his snoring, it just shows that he doesn't take your feelings into consideration. Add that to the gaming, but how does this man enhance your life?

My dh was a loud snorer. He went to the gp and ended up having his uvula removed to stop the snoring. Very painful but tbh we'd have got divorced if he hadn't sorted it out. He hates the idea of us sleeping in separate rooms, but getting next to no sleep was pure torture for me.

Original poster
Beanz2022 · 09/07/2024 15:56

WallaceinAnderland · 08/07/2024 20:55

He's not doing it on purpose. He can't help snoring.

Are you saying that if he were in another bedroom upstairs his snoring would not wake you up?

If so, that's the solution.

I never said it was his fault but why on earth hasn’t he got help in the last 7 years of us being together and me expressing my exhaustion as he’s waking me up constantly.

OP posts:
Allfur · 09/07/2024 16:08

He sounds utterly selfish, he should amend his habits and schedule to fit in with family life, and gaming into the wee hours at nearly 50 does not fit in with family life as well as being deeply unattractive

WitchyBits · 09/07/2024 16:10

If you can aid it get him a private at home sleep apnea test. Alternatively get him a chin strip and invest in ear plugs.

cupcaske123 · 09/07/2024 16:10

Beanz2022 · 09/07/2024 15:56

I never said it was his fault but why on earth hasn’t he got help in the last 7 years of us being together and me expressing my exhaustion as he’s waking me up constantly.

Show quote history

He's evidently self absorbed and deeply selfish.

I also recommend the wax earplugs.

cardibach · 09/07/2024 16:11

WallaceinAnderland · 08/07/2024 20:55

He's not doing it on purpose. He can't help snoring.

Are you saying that if he were in another bedroom upstairs his snoring would not wake you up?

If so, that's the solution.

It is his fault if he won’t even investigate if he can be helped.