How often would you expect to see PILs?

[newmumma2000]

I go back to work soon from MAT leave and will be returning to four days a week with Fridays off with my little boy. Husband works away or long shifts, often 7-7 M-F and sometimes with Friday PM off. We spend quite a lot of time socialising our baby on weekends with family and friends but try to do a weekend at home once a month or so as we both like weekends just to relax, get jobs done etc.

PIL often want to see us every two to three weeks, often for a whole weekend day or if an afternoon, until late eve. Have had numerous conversations about this as whilst on MAT leave it's not so bad as they sometimes come in the week, but when we are back at work, they mentioned how they'd like to see baby weekly or bi-weekly at the weekends. I have said that most likely will be once a month as they can't look after baby during the week due to health problems and they live over an hour away so don't like to 'pop on' as they want to make the visits worth it when they come. I've said to my husband I don't want to nor is it really realistic that we see them that often when I'm back to work as family time will be even more important for us to have and also, I don't want to give up a whole afternoon each weekend/every other weekend as thats what they want. My mum looks after my little boy one day a week as she lives closer and is more able too.My dad works 6 days so often if we do see anyone, it's him as he can't some any other time. I also don't trust my PIL to leave my little boy alone with them so I wouldn't entertain them looking after him anyway. Husband agrees and has said all of the above but they are not really listening.

Just wanted to see what other people do in this instance.

AIBU- in expecting once a month to be the norm with seeing them considering all of the above?

TIA!

Yes as you are happy to see your dad. It has to be fair especially if your dp wants to see his parents more than once a month

Suggest your partner takes him on a Friday afternoon when he's off?

Family time?
So when your ds marries and family time doesn’t include you that’s ok?

I understand it’s difficult if they outstay their welcome however twice a month is surely not that bad. Your dh could go to them once and they could come to you once.

One weekend seeing you parents (unclear if your mum and dad are together or if your dad’s day off is a weekend day), one weekend seeing ILs, one weekend just the 3 of you and one weekend seeing friends sounds reasonable to me.

so you are happy to see YOUR parents once a week, but its not ok for him to see HIS parents once a week?

My dad works six days a week and only sees my little boy for a few hours which doesn't take up the whole day so we can often do other stuff. My PILs expect either the whole day or most of the of which doesn't leave much time for anything else which from thinking about it, I think the length of time they want to stay not the regularity seems like the issue...? I'm such a planner and am highly anxious so these 'expectations' are causing me alot of worry ahhh.

My PILs asked for once a month when ds was little.

Tbh I think it's the length of visit that is so difficult. Look for ways to meet halfway for shorter get togethers. I still feel upset driving into my PILs driveway because of those long drawn out visits taking up most of our time off. They were hospitable and kind but only ever on their terms and I bit my tongue a LOT.

His parents living over an hour away changes things significantly.

It's tricky when they expect a long visit. One long visit a month sounds more than reasonable but they can't expect you to give up such a large proportion of your time weekly.

That's awful, once a month? Remember that when you're a grandparent....

My in laws live 40 miles away and come over bi weekly to provide childcare for a full day. We see them around that, maybe once a month, usually at a neutral venue with DH’s sibling and family.

We see my parents much more often - maybe a couple of times a week, as they live round the corner. Visits are usually casual, cup of tea for an hour, rather than extended visits.

Husband agrees and has said all of the above but they are not really listening.

They don't have to listen, that's their prerogative, but they'll learn soon enough. Them expecting you to spend an entire day with them every weekend is totally unreasonable, and even twice a month can be a lot to ask for given you and your husband's schedules.

I think it’s great they want to be involved but It’s a 2 hour round trip 😵‍💫 2-3 times pw is intense if they expect you to travel or to stay all day

i would compromise and visit once per month and then a couple of times per month invite them along if you go to soft play / to the park but make it time specific eg. Meet at park then you have to go to the supermarket/ go to Timmy’s birthday party or whatever.

I know “he agrees” but what does your DH have to say about frequency/ what does he suggest?

They only live an hour away. You've not said either side have difficulties with transport. Meet somewhere in the middle for a shorter time. Eg meet in morning, and make clear you'll be gone by 12.15 because you are meeting someone for lunch. Just make it clear. See them regularly but not for so long.

not really... an hour is nothing today.. its not like they are walking it.. i assume they have a car?

See I don’t even think the issue is really how often they want to see you it’s the expectation that their visit is an entire day. I’m still on mat leave with our baby (but obviously husband is back at work) so we are sort of navigating this now with family wanting to see baby/us. Everybody lives within a 10-20 min drive of each other and nobody expects an entire day together every week so it’s doable, taking today as an example we have popped in to see PIL for 90 mins ish then popped into my grandparents for an hour before we came home for lunch and have spent the afternoon just us 3, most weekends look like this and then I’d say once a month we have like a day somewhere. We’ve also said everybody is welcome to pop round to ours through the week on an evening, I grew up in an “open door” house and I love that my house is the same, anybody is welcome whenever, however that only really works if everybody understands that its not going to be hours and hours on end!

Expecting to see you that frequently is unreasonable and unrealistic if they live that far away.

I think you’re unfair to be tying talk of visits to their ability to babysit or look after your son. It’s fair for them to expect to see their grandchild just because he’s their grandchild and they love him not because of what help and favours they can offer you.

I’d suggest your partner takes him on some Friday afternoon visits. But not every week!

We had a oddly similar scenario.
My parents were seeing DD more regularly as they were doing childcare which PIL weren't able to do.
I appreciate PIL wanted to spend time with DD but they totally overdid it with emotional blackmail, there was a row between DH and his parents. Obviously after a working week sometimes you heaven forbid want to chill at home in your pjs and do some laundry, and not be obligated to ferry your toddler around and perch on someone's sofa half the day.

I'd like to say it's got better, it comes in peaks and troughs and they do strop sometimes (even though we have plans with them the next two weekends!). We see them every two weeks, normally we choose something we fancied doing and invite them along. Do they drive? Look up attractions half way between you so it's feasible to meet them there in the morning and head off at nap time.

I think setting clear boundaries is the way to go, I'm just such a people pleaser and I feel guilty for wanting to not commit to such regular visits because once I deviate, they'll hold it against me if it changes. I don't have an issue seeing them at all and love that they want to spend time with my little one is just the length of time. He completely agrees as he also wants family time, and says that whilst he would love to see them more like we do my family as they are much closer by, he knows that for how long they want to stay it isn't fair on us as it's such a big ask on our family time so unless they come less once a month is what it will be. We are also working on our marriage at the moment, so we also want to protect the time we have to make that a priority too. It's just so so hard as we have lots of people that want to spend time with us which we are so lucky for, but it's hard to make everyone happy plus ourselves happy .

Seeing their df is a privilege not a right. Remember that op. Road goes both ways. They can insist all they want. The beauty of being a grown up is you don't have to do as you are told by adults!!

I think YABU OP. your ILS wanting to see their grandchild every 2 weeks is not unreasonable. As others have said, you are happy for your parents to see your son more frequently ( although I understand that your mum cares for your baby on Fridays). You need to be more considerate and try to be abit more relaxed. And consider if these restrictions were put on you as a paternal grandparent.
In my experience, it is nearly always the paternal grandparents who get the worst deal

Here’s the thing - it doesn’t have to be ‘fair’ as in dividing time evenly, do what works for you as a family.
If the PIL are retired then they have more time on their hands to drive for a shorter trip if they wish. It’s unreasonable to expect to take up huge chunks of family time when life now is so busy.

This sounds like your first child OP, do not, I repeat, do not, get into any set agreements about Christmas.

They mentioned Christmas this afternoon! I pretended to not hear them.

Oh also there may be a natural limiter in terms of naps- the older DD got the more she refused to nap in stroller and had to be in car or cot. So 1-3pm was a no go

When mine were alive, I saw them weekly, usually on a Sunday afternoon.
They lived a thirty minute drive away and either they would come to us or we would go to them.