How often would you expect to see PILs?

[newmumma2000]

I go back to work soon from MAT leave and will be returning to four days a week with Fridays off with my little boy. Husband works away or long shifts, often 7-7 M-F and sometimes with Friday PM off. We spend quite a lot of time socialising our baby on weekends with family and friends but try to do a weekend at home once a month or so as we both like weekends just to relax, get jobs done etc.

PIL often want to see us every two to three weeks, often for a whole weekend day or if an afternoon, until late eve. Have had numerous conversations about this as whilst on MAT leave it's not so bad as they sometimes come in the week, but when we are back at work, they mentioned how they'd like to see baby weekly or bi-weekly at the weekends. I have said that most likely will be once a month as they can't look after baby during the week due to health problems and they live over an hour away so don't like to 'pop on' as they want to make the visits worth it when they come. I've said to my husband I don't want to nor is it really realistic that we see them that often when I'm back to work as family time will be even more important for us to have and also, I don't want to give up a whole afternoon each weekend/every other weekend as thats what they want. My mum looks after my little boy one day a week as she lives closer and is more able too.My dad works 6 days so often if we do see anyone, it's him as he can't some any other time. I also don't trust my PIL to leave my little boy alone with them so I wouldn't entertain them looking after him anyway. Husband agrees and has said all of the above but they are not really listening.

Just wanted to see what other people do in this instance.

AIBU- in expecting once a month to be the norm with seeing them considering all of the above?

TIA!

Also it's easy for PP to call you harsh and insist you have time but once you start factoring in birthday parties, christenings, holidays, and fitting them on with meeting friends, family, and keeping your house running you aren't going to be able to promise a set schedule.

Don't insist on once a month- just let things happen organically too. Sometimes you will see them two weekends in a row, sometimes not for 3-4 weeks 🤷‍♀️

What's all this talk of 'fair'? Are we at school?
It's about what's manageable.
Grandparents that help with childcare and live nearer are bound by to see their grandchildren more often. That's just common sense.
Do what works for you and your dh and baby op and don't be guilted into exhaustion.
.

This is just what I was going to say. I’m the paternal PILs about an hour away. Sometimes we see the GC twice in fortnight; other times not for six weeks. There are holidays, birthdays, Father’s Days, Christmas, school plays, weddings, swimming lessons ~ it happens much more organically than you think. I’d just say ‘let’s take it one month at a time and see what happens’. Don’t be tied down.

We are also likely to have the GC on our own to help out - so you may be grateful for a Saturday afternoon when you can go shopping/ lunch with your DH. You don’t all need to be perched on the sofa!

But do be kind. It’s lovely for your DC to be surrounded by people that love them.

Why even get into set agreements of how often you'll see them? That's bananas to me.

@newmumma2000 all day is not acceptable!!! encroaching on your family time!! once a month is ample if they are coming for the whole day!!

What about inviting them for dinner on the Friday afternoons your husband is off? Say come for 4pm for a chat, we’ll get Takeaway or cook a meal for 6pm, DS in bed for 7.30pm and you’re welcome to stay for another cuppa or two after (in reality, they will likely stay until DS goes to bed!)

you could even offer for them to do DS bath and read story if they like, while you clean up after dinner.

win win?

From your in-laws pov it looks very unfair as your mum ( and dad) get to see the baby every week at least once so I think at least twice a month is reasonable and the Friday afternoon scenario from a pp seems the best solution to sort the ‘time ‘ issue .

It isn't fair to a small dc having stressed dps who are trying to please everyone.. Offer a window they can call in for a cuppa. If they don't that isn't on you. They dont need full on hosted days surely?

We never had set times to see our parents when our kids were small - it just depended what we were doing that weekend and if we were both free. They lived nearby and we probably saw them every 2 weeks or so, we would pop round for lunch or tea and spend a few hours. I do think it's important to foster a close grandparent/grandchild relationship and easier to do when they're tiny because once they start school they'll be busy at weekends with parties and activities! I would try and make time for a half day visit every 2 or 3 weeks but don't make it a set schedule so you can be flexible if things come up or you just want to have a day at home.

In a similar situation, I visited on my own terms. E.g. I'd ask if I could visit for lunch on my day off, and stay for a few hours. It was a long drive, but I timed it with naps, and it freed up a weekend day. I usually enjoyed it, tbh.

So much depends on circumstances and distances.we saw my mum at least once a week because she lived quite near. Pils, who didn't had an open house weekend for their children and grandchildren every 6 weeks, and we usually went to those.

Once a month is more than generous!

If they are that desperate, they can move closer. They can't have it both ways. Seeing you regularly by offering you diner to help out would be one thing, but expecting you to either put all other plans on hold to host them, or you to drive and waste your entire day? Hell no.

weekly or bi-weekly at the weekends.
they are completely ridiculous. Who has time for that.

Your DH sounds very sensible.

Haven't RTFT, so apologies if I'm repeating what everyone says!

Our parents live 1.5 and 2.5 hours away, we tend to see each side every 3-4 weeks on a Sunday afternoon. It does block out the day, but at the same time it's nice to get quality time with them.

We work Monday-Friday and Saturdays tend to be taken up with hobbies and parties etc. I wouldn't want to lose any more Sundays as we don't get a huge amount of time together.

My PIL live very close to their other grandchildren and have a very different relationship with them - lots of popping in for half an hour etc. But the relationship with both sets of grandchildren is close and loving, just different by necessity of distance.

Can you not just meet up for tea with them half way once a week?

You don't mind your dad seeing 'my little boy' but not so keen on your DH's parents seeing him.

Not saying our little boy says it all really.

That's great if it worked for you, but if the other grandparents wanted the same then that's all of every weekend blocked out, with no time for day trips as a family or just time to hang out at home - which we find is sorely lacking in our house.

OP I second all of the recommendations not to get into a fixed routine or to commit to Christmas routines.

If they would come to yours for dinner midweek that could work really well - but little kids can be nightmares after nursery.

You might need to just have a conversation spelling out how busy you are and how little time you get. They may just not have put two and two together. My PIL never put pressure on us to meet up, but they definitely don't fully appreciate how busy we are.

Any In-Laws that makes it a competition, and start whining that it's "not fair" that other family members visit more often lose all credibility.

If they want to keep score instead of genuinely wanting a relationship, you don't have to be involved in their childish games. Plan what works for you, not to accommodate their whims.

Working parents with a young child are BUSY. That's life. If they really want to be involved, they'll offer suggestions to HELP.

An hour each way isn't nothing, especially when it involves doing so with a baby/young child and it interfering with feeding and naps. It's absurd to say that two hours of travel time is "nothing."

I think every 6 weeks ish is reasonable, unless you lived very close so could pop in for an hour or two etc. Mine live 4 hours away and so when they visit they understandably stay over but they will stay for 4 nights, thankfully in a hotel as we don’t have the room, but they still spend all day with us and sit on our sofa till 11pm each evening. It’s way too intense and they expect this once a month! Definitely set boundaries now/ make it a more casual arrangement of meeting halfway if you’re free etc otherwise you get stuck in a routine.

An hours drive isn't that far really. A 3 hour visit is fine. Try to insist they come say at 4.00pm. Include dinner at 5.30 . Then baby has bath and off they trot because everyone is winding down for bed including them