Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Advice on MIL

41 replies

bumblebeedee · 07/07/2024 16:54

Isn't this strange behaviour? I had my third baby summer 2023, and my MIL still hasn't come to meet her. We live 5 hours away in the city, whereas she is rural. In the past she always came with her late husband to visit, and then her sister. Both have died. On the odd occasion herself (after they passed), but it clearly stressed her out. She never visited regularly, more like a few times a year. Her, and my partner have a very superficial relationship, and she has never helped or been close to us. I see it more as a 'duty visit' as she doesn't interact with kids much, just sits there. MIL has had a new partner now for 5 years. We only met him briefly four times, and don't know him very well at all. Anyway, he had a bad fall soon after third was born. He couldn't travel, or go anywhere because of it. After he started to get better (but still unable to travel) i asked her twice to come up and visit. She replied she would rather come up with her partner. I thought ok. I personally would be there in a flash to see my grandchild. He has family to help him too. I also feel uncomfortable as i don't really know him, so it's not like he is our kids grandparent so doesn't really matter if he 'misses out'. I knew it was more of an excuse as she doesn't want to see us on her own. We waited for her partner to be stronger on his feet, but it was a really nasty fall and he hasn't been the same since. Time went on, and i learnt that she came to visit her friend in a town very close to where we live this April. I felt confused because i assumed she hated the idea of travelling on her own, especially as we are far, but actually she can do it. Now i think the problem is us, for whatever reason, she must feel very uncomfortable being alone with us which is why she needs someone with her. I feel upset by this, and feel whats all the point of trying as she clearly thinks god knows what about us. I cannot dream of behaving the way she has. I'd do anything to see my grandkids and make them a priority. Anyway my daughter is about to have her first birthday, and i wanted to message in a direct yet polite way about this. She is the easily offended sort who would go darvo on you if you're honest. How would you respond? Her partner clearly is unable to come up with her, so it's all becoming awkward. She hasn't invited us down for a visit either. Shall i not bother, or say doesn't she want to see her grandkids?

OP posts:

Mouswife · 07/07/2024 16:55

Just leave it. Her choice at the end of the day.

Nocturna · 07/07/2024 16:57

Sounds like she's had a hard time of it. Ask her if she wants to meet up for lunch in the middle?

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 07/07/2024 16:59

I wouldn’t message her. She has given you a message loud and clear. If someone hadn’t met my baby for the first year of their life there would be no way they would be included in a first birthday.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 07/07/2024 17:02

Nocturna · 07/07/2024 16:57

Sounds like she's had a hard time of it. Ask her if she wants to meet up for lunch in the middle?

I’d do this. She does seem to have a hard time if things. If she makes an excuse then you know.

itsmylife7 · 07/07/2024 17:02

Don't bother.

The fact she has been to see other friends and not her newest Grandchild , speaks volumes.

MulberryBushRoundabout · 07/07/2024 17:04

Have you visited her?

JLou08 · 07/07/2024 17:05

Don't do anything. It's not worth your time and energy. Enjoy your time with your little family and appreciate the ones in your life who are there for you.

SiriAlexa · 07/07/2024 17:05

Could you go and visit her? The fact that you have posted makes me think it would be important for her to see your baby. Sometimes you have to facilitate things yourself. She may have quiet anxieties about visiting or travelling, who knows?

BodyKeepingScore · 07/07/2024 17:07

Have you made any attempts to go and visit her if she's clearly outlined her reservations about travelling on her own?

olympicsrock · 07/07/2024 17:10

I’d give her one more chance - perhaps even offer to meet half way/ visit her.
If she doesn’t grab the offer with both hands then you have a clear answer and can go NC / LC with a clear conscience

icallshade · 07/07/2024 17:10

I really wouldn't be losing any sleep over this. Sounds like you aren't close anyway, so it is what it is. Move on and enjoy your family 😊

Bonbon21 · 07/07/2024 17:11

From your post I suggest that this really isnt about your young family, but rather a continuation of the relationship she has had with her son.
Little warmth or connection.. maybe that is just how she is wired.
I would let it go. If your other half is not driving this then you trying to 'force' a bond that isnt there is not going to work.
Enjoy your own family.

TruthorDie · 07/07/2024 17:13

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 07/07/2024 16:59

100% this. She clearly has little interest. Possibly she would want to use the 1st birthday to do some performative grand parenting to her friends and the wider family. Which l wouldn’t be facilitating

GiveOverAndOver · 07/07/2024 17:54

It sounds like she's had a lot going on, not everyone is comfortable being with everyone. Have you visited or offered to visit them? Goes both ways.

Houseplanter · 07/07/2024 18:16

Has your husband (if not all of you) visited her while she's been having such a horrible time?

Noseybookworm · 11/07/2024 01:22

Who knows what her reasons are? We can only guess as we don't know her. Could it be that she hasn't felt very welcome in your home in the past? Or that she's getting older and would prefer you to visit her? It sounds like she's been having a tough time with her partner's ongoing injury, maybe she's just worn out. You can either stop asking her to visit and accept things as they are or have a frank conversation with her. What does your partner think? She's his mother, maybe he should be the one to raise it with her?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2024 01:25

You don't visit her either. The roads go both ways, you know. Her son clearly doesn't care. She could be thinking very similar things about you.

Leave her alone because nothing you say would make any difference.

Ivyrosecrayon · 11/07/2024 01:34

My MIL has never visited our house once despite being invited and only living an hour abd a half away. We've been here 7 years. She's not been once. I had my 3rd child in January and she's not met her yet.
I will be taking the baby to see her at some point out of duty..
But I haven't rushed to this time because she seems disinterested.. and honestly I can't be bothered with it if she can't.
Sometimes people can be like this
It's sad but it's their loss. I feel like if or when I have grandchildren I'd prioritise getting to see them regularly (if that was OK with the parents obviously)
I can't understand these grabdparents who don't seem remotely interested.
However for the sake of your child who deserves to at least meet their grandparents if possible.. I'd go and visit her. She's clearly not going to visit you. It's sad that's not a priority to her but your child should see their grandparent every now and then so I guess it's down to you to sort that if she won't.

POLLYprosecco1 · 11/07/2024 01:45

My PILs are like this - do everything and anything they can for their daughter’s children who live close by to them but coming down to visit us and spend time with their son’s children is way too much effort. Their house is also the filthiest, most cluttered, house I have ever stepped foot in so travelling up to see them is out of the question. Think dog faeces on their carpet - that kind of filth. Quite simply - I have no desire to have anything to do with them ever again!

Honestly - enjoy your lovely little family and try to forget about MIL. Are your parents closer to you? If so, your daughter will hopefully have lots to do with them growing up and MIL simply won’t matter.

Thankfully my parents have been wonderful grandparents to my children which I am so grateful for.

Shoxfordian · 11/07/2024 05:25

Leave it, she's not your mother - let your dh message her if he wants to

PBandJ111 · 11/07/2024 05:46

Why push it when she’s clearly not interested? Let your dh do this if he wants as it’s his Mother.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 11/07/2024 06:31

She's out of her comfort zone. She clearly doesn't like visiting you without someone else which you've acknowledged.
She's had multiple bereavements and I imagine her confidence is low.
You haven't visited her.

Doesnt sound like you've made any effort to make her feel wanted other than one invitation?
If she just sit there when she does visit, again, she just feels out of place probably which is understandable because she is!

autienotnaughty · 11/07/2024 06:46

Do you ever visit her? I'd go see her to introduce baby.?

DecoratingDiva · 11/07/2024 07:56

You say her relationship with your partner is “superficial “ so I’d leave it.

Shes not really interested in her grandchildren and they will have never known her so won’t miss her at all.

I’d just leave it, you are not stopping her seeing them but for whatever reason she doesn’t want to.

MystyLuna · 11/07/2024 15:05

My husband's parents moved 6 hours away when I was pregnant. My mother in law came to visit when my son was a few weeks old (it was a nightmare). Both parents then came down and stayed in a hotel when my son was 13 months old. Slightly less stressful visit. That was the last time I saw them and it is now 12 years later. My son is nearly 13 years old and they haven't seen him in person since he was 13 months old. They now live even further away. About 8 or 9 hours. Doesn't bother us at all. They are old and have their own lives. We just get on with it. We text, speak on the phone and video call occasionally.

Flip

1 2