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Original poster

Advice on MIL

41 replies

bumblebeedee · 07/07/2024 16:54

Isn't this strange behaviour? I had my third baby summer 2023, and my MIL still hasn't come to meet her. We live 5 hours away in the city, whereas she is rural. In the past she always came with her late husband to visit, and then her sister. Both have died. On the odd occasion herself (after they passed), but it clearly stressed her out. She never visited regularly, more like a few times a year. Her, and my partner have a very superficial relationship, and she has never helped or been close to us. I see it more as a 'duty visit' as she doesn't interact with kids much, just sits there. MIL has had a new partner now for 5 years. We only met him briefly four times, and don't know him very well at all. Anyway, he had a bad fall soon after third was born. He couldn't travel, or go anywhere because of it. After he started to get better (but still unable to travel) i asked her twice to come up and visit. She replied she would rather come up with her partner. I thought ok. I personally would be there in a flash to see my grandchild. He has family to help him too. I also feel uncomfortable as i don't really know him, so it's not like he is our kids grandparent so doesn't really matter if he 'misses out'. I knew it was more of an excuse as she doesn't want to see us on her own. We waited for her partner to be stronger on his feet, but it was a really nasty fall and he hasn't been the same since. Time went on, and i learnt that she came to visit her friend in a town very close to where we live this April. I felt confused because i assumed she hated the idea of travelling on her own, especially as we are far, but actually she can do it. Now i think the problem is us, for whatever reason, she must feel very uncomfortable being alone with us which is why she needs someone with her. I feel upset by this, and feel whats all the point of trying as she clearly thinks god knows what about us. I cannot dream of behaving the way she has. I'd do anything to see my grandkids and make them a priority. Anyway my daughter is about to have her first birthday, and i wanted to message in a direct yet polite way about this. She is the easily offended sort who would go darvo on you if you're honest. How would you respond? Her partner clearly is unable to come up with her, so it's all becoming awkward. She hasn't invited us down for a visit either. Shall i not bother, or say doesn't she want to see her grandkids?

OP posts:
ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 11/07/2024 15:07

I'd stop asking her, she clearly does not want to visit you.

Mazpaz · 11/07/2024 17:12

Can you not visit her .
maybe her new partner is controlling
you need to find out she is ok

Nothingspecialhere · 12/07/2024 22:42

My FIL/MIL didn’t meet my children until they were 6 and 4. That was only because we went to see them after 6.5 years and clearly they weren’t making the effort!! Not even a video call in that time. Their loss, not yours.

Kateeeeuyyy · 13/07/2024 08:47

bumblebeedee · 07/07/2024 16:54

Isn't this strange behaviour? I had my third baby summer 2023, and my MIL still hasn't come to meet her. We live 5 hours away in the city, whereas she is rural. In the past she always came with her late husband to visit, and then her sister. Both have died. On the odd occasion herself (after they passed), but it clearly stressed her out. She never visited regularly, more like a few times a year. Her, and my partner have a very superficial relationship, and she has never helped or been close to us. I see it more as a 'duty visit' as she doesn't interact with kids much, just sits there. MIL has had a new partner now for 5 years. We only met him briefly four times, and don't know him very well at all. Anyway, he had a bad fall soon after third was born. He couldn't travel, or go anywhere because of it. After he started to get better (but still unable to travel) i asked her twice to come up and visit. She replied she would rather come up with her partner. I thought ok. I personally would be there in a flash to see my grandchild. He has family to help him too. I also feel uncomfortable as i don't really know him, so it's not like he is our kids grandparent so doesn't really matter if he 'misses out'. I knew it was more of an excuse as she doesn't want to see us on her own. We waited for her partner to be stronger on his feet, but it was a really nasty fall and he hasn't been the same since. Time went on, and i learnt that she came to visit her friend in a town very close to where we live this April. I felt confused because i assumed she hated the idea of travelling on her own, especially as we are far, but actually she can do it. Now i think the problem is us, for whatever reason, she must feel very uncomfortable being alone with us which is why she needs someone with her. I feel upset by this, and feel whats all the point of trying as she clearly thinks god knows what about us. I cannot dream of behaving the way she has. I'd do anything to see my grandkids and make them a priority. Anyway my daughter is about to have her first birthday, and i wanted to message in a direct yet polite way about this. She is the easily offended sort who would go darvo on you if you're honest. How would you respond? Her partner clearly is unable to come up with her, so it's all becoming awkward. She hasn't invited us down for a visit either. Shall i not bother, or say doesn't she want to see her grandkids?

My grandmother never visited. She lost her husband and I presume he was always the one that took her places.

It was difficult for her on her own, and she was a different generation.
she was elderly and we visited her. My parents would throw me and my other 2 siblings in the car and do the 6-8 hour drive to stay/ visit. She wasn’t a particularly ‘warm person’ that was her personality, but we loved her regardless because she was our grandma . I’m grateful my parents took her to see her because I have wonderful memories with her and of visiting.

a lot of your post, OP seems to be looking at how it affects you and how you feel, but you’re not the only one in the picture, there are more than 2 sides to the story, and regardless of how long you’ve been with your partner, you don’t know the history. I also see zero mention of you visiting her in the aftermath of her husband and sister dying + new partner having a fall. I’m sure some familial support at that time would have been helpful. Perhaps you did visit, but there’s no mention in your post.

if I were you, I’d think about what you want for your kids- do you want them to have fond memories of their grandmother ? Do you want to set a precedent/ be a role model for how they should treat elderly members of the family?

Outofmydepth3 · 13/07/2024 14:46

@bumblebeedee I'd approach it really nicely and just say "I noticed you visited , does that mean you feel ready to come and see for her first birthday?" Whatever the reply, accept it and move forward. Xx

TemuSpecialBuy · 13/07/2024 14:54

Just drop the rope.

this is the crux of it
I feel upset by this, and feel whats all the point of trying as she clearly thinks god knows what about us.

what is the point in trying? Leave her off.

your kids are already at zero with her, it really makes no difference if you don’t see her much.

Bigcat25 · 13/07/2024 15:10

Id invite her. You don't know the exact circumstances of the friend's visit. Have your partner do the inviting.

Suzieandthemonkeyfeet · 13/07/2024 15:19

Hang on … why have you not travelled to see her?

You’re now going to start sending arsey messages yet you’ve not even travelled to see her?

Fo you not see the hypocrisy?

harriethoyle · 13/07/2024 15:24

Why haven't you visited her? What support did either of you give her in the aftermath of her husband's and sister's death or when her partner suffered what sounds like a life-changing fall? She may not want to put herself out for people who do not sound like they've put themselves out for her...

gavisconismyfriend · 13/07/2024 16:01

She’s your husband’s mum, leave it to him to have any conversation with her.

BlueBirdBell · 13/07/2024 16:04

What is her relationship like with your two other children? Maybe she just isn’t that keen and prefers her peace and quiet.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/07/2024 16:12

I don't wait for an invitation to see my inlaws. I message and say either "we're in your town on X date, are you available?" or "we thought we'd come and visit on a Saturday, do X Y Z work for you?".

I agree that your DP should be dealing with this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/07/2024 18:09

Outofmydepth3 · 13/07/2024 14:46

@bumblebeedee I'd approach it really nicely and just say "I noticed you visited , does that mean you feel ready to come and see for her first birthday?" Whatever the reply, accept it and move forward. Xx

I'd do this. Once. Then leave the ball in her court.

She might come, she might not. Try not to care either way. Bottom line is, "Her, and my partner have a very superficial relationship" and that superficiality carries over into anything to do with him - which is you and your children. She's not interested, and nothing you can do or say will make a blind bit of differenceSad.

Luckylu123 · 14/07/2024 13:02

This is so weird, why wouldn’t you go to see her if she’s had such a hard time of it?
travelling goes both ways.
Anyway, id send the invite, it’s up to her if she comes or not.

OriginalUsername2 · 14/07/2024 13:06

I’d just be thankful. If she’s the DARVO type, this is the ideal situation.

Spirallingdownwards · 14/07/2024 13:07

Phone calls and trips go both ways.

How many times do you or your partner call her or visit her? I am guessing few and none respectively. The tone of your post may give a clue as to why she doesn't contact you perhaps.

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