12 year old won't go anywhere or do anything unless forced.

[Regularchoice]

AIBU to force him then? Everything is met with unenthusiastic response, Everything. Not in the UK so on holidays already. He would literally stay in his pjs moping around the house if I left him to it. He's supposed to be in sports camp, missed a few days last week so I'll have a massive struggle to get him back tomorrow.
He's like this in term time too,have tried lots of sports, scouts etc. He has to be dragged to anything. Not mad about school but he knows that's absolutely non negotiable. He does soccer because all his friends play but even that he will try to get out of. It's exhausting, but I just want him to be active/ out of the house/ finding joy in life/ learning some bloody resilience.
I'm on the verge of giving up pushing tbh, I feel like a bit of a psycho forcing him out. If I leave him alone will he find his own way??( I feel like he won't, I feel like he'll end up a total shut in 😔)

How much exercise do you do OP? How much does he see you/either parent having fun outside, being active etc?

I'm involved in 2 sports clubs that I love, I've tried to drag him along too but that didn't work out. Dh not really active, self employed so works all hours.

How much access to screens does he have? Is he choosing to stay in so he can have screen time?

I also joined scouts as a leader when he was little to make it a thing we could enjoy together.

No screens at all 9-6. Tv after that, 30 mins PlayStation per day. Maybe too much time on the ps? I have struggled keeping that in place, he pushes for more. He would spend all day on screens if I didn't have strict boundaries.
Dh not great for keeping an eye when I'm not here so I have parental control on my phone to lock it.

Don't give up, he's too young to lose guidance on how full and exciting life can be.

Does he get too much choice and control maybe, why is staying home instead of going to sports camp an option? My DD is 12 and I think most of her peers who are stuck and do nothing have always been given the control/pressure to decide what to do. It's too much and they don't have the imagination or experience to fill their time.

In your shoes I think friends are the key. Get him doing things with his friends, going in and out of each others houses, taking a football to the park, booking a tennis court for them etc.

This is a very unpopular parenting opinion but we left DS to get on with it at 12 yo and he didn't go out, wouldn't join clubs and had an amount of screen time that would make you faint.

It was all slightly different as he was 12 coming out of pandemic and all our brilliant screen time boundaries had gone to pot in lockdown.

We did know he had friends at school - he was on line gaming with them in his endless screen time. and he would drop everything to go out if a friend was available - bikes/ tennis/ swimming. We'd occasionally drag him or bribe him to a family outing. And beyond that trusted it would come good.

He did this sudden maturity leap at 13 1/2 - (also puberty) changed about 50% of his friendship group. Registered for DofE. Joined a school club.

So I would say as long as the basics are there - keep making it clear you expect him to be out and about doing things, facilitate the smallest steps in the right direction and try not to worry too much.

(Disclaimer - he is still only 14 it could still all go horribly wrong).

Thanks everyone for the replies. He was genuinely ill 2 days last week, so that's why he missed the camp. @DaytripperShoes that is the reply I have been secretly hoping for! No no, just leave him to it, he'll be fine without your input 😅
Even one tale of success with the Hands Off method gives me hope.....

He's a 12 year old boy, it's a case of wait and hope puberty cures him or put him out of your his misery now. 😆

Sometimes it’s best not to force it and let him get on with it (to an extent). Let him develop his own interests and let things be his idea. Puberty is also exhausting - I very much just wanted to be left alone during my downtime a lot of the time. I definitely didn’t have a zest for life. Give him some space

Encourage some hobbies he can do indoors/at home.
Lego, reading, art, cooking, gardening etc.
Not everyone enjoys being out and about doing "activities".

I think you're unreasonable to force him. Not all kids like structured activity. I was pushed into them as a child and it was exhausting. I was left feeling guilty because I didn't enjoy it and as i wasn't good at it I felt I was disappointing my parents.
I've tried a different approach with my kids. I let them choose what to do with their free time and how much extracurricular stuff they do. I have 2 teenage boys (both autistic), one of whom barely goes out and one who is relatively sociable but prefers one to one time with friends over group activities. And my pre teen girl is very active and sociable and goes to several clubs and groups, as well as playing with friends.

They are all different people. The boys are very different to how I was as a teen but actually that's ok.

I wouldn't be so strict on the PlayStation- obvs not free access but it's the way young teen boys socialize nowadays. It's not as brain-numbing as endless TikTok scrolling, it's more creative. At your son's age mine was just playing Minecraft, so no violence etc. He may feel excluded at school if he doesn't have that avenue to make connections.

My oldest was similar, it was all tied into anxiety and sheer paralysis about his peers' opinions. Covid obviously made everything worse. He quit a sport he enjoyed because of some off-the-cuff remark someone made to him. I was very concerned that I wasn't adding another layer of judgement to that he was piling on to himself.

He's improved over the years, 19 now and working, will be starting uni in September all going well. He's still more introverted but that's his personality type... he has friends and ambitions.

I'd not feel much like doing anything if I was so controlled, either. He can't talk about games, can't talk about TV, can't talk about music, any cultural references, hasn't seen examples of things to do, how to interact, couldn't be himself at Scouts because you insisted on monitoring him there. What has he actually got to share with somebody of his own age?

I was never expected to do out of school activities. I wanted to chill out after a long day at school. I went to girls brigade once a week till I was about 13 and that was it. Plenty of exercise as most kids walked everywhere back then.
I never forced my kids ( all in their 30s now)
to join anything either, I let them do it off their own back. Football club, army cadets .
I read a lot on MN about all these expectations of kids, must be a new thing.Iy never used to be so intense

I'd leave him to it.

I hardly left my bedroom at that age for about 2 years. I played solo dungeons and dragons and ate cream crackers.

I got a bike when I was 16 and rode it for 15 years, played loads of sport and danced twice a week.

He probably just wants alone time - I did. It was fine and it made me happy.
I'd have been mortified if my mum had dragged me to brownies and other 'enforced activities' at 12!

I would keep shoving him out to be active, but also allow him more gaming time once he has done a reasonable amount of physical and social activity. Not many years until it will be down to him to make his own choices, but for now I would not let sport become something other people do.

I actually think you limit on gadgets is too much. He probably doesn't want to socialise because he can't talk about the things other kids talk about. Which is on the devices! I would extend the time he can use it

It depends if he actually ends up enjoying whatever he was forced to do.
I had to force mine to do stuff and they always ended up enjoying it. I'd even remind them next time that they always enjoy it but I still had to force them

I say carry on op. Kids are too sedentary these days and this ends up causing issues later. Getting out and about can help deal with stress, anxiety and low mood as well as keeping them physically healthy.
Too much gaming stops so many other interests but what about giving longer on weekends, maybe taking away a weekday session and adding it on at weekends.
Mine had none on school nights and were fine with it. They did have 2 hrs on Friday and Saturday though.

Dh not great for keeping an eye when I'm not here so I have parental control on my phone to lock it.

I find remote parental control from my phone to be hit and miss. Worth checking his screen time history on his devices just to be sure

I do think 12 is a tricky age. Many kids feel a bit unsure of themselves and sometimes it’s easier to hunker down at home than stick their neck out and be social. Then they come out of it.

Same - my 14yr old is very much a homebody. He has good friends and they enjoy stuff out and about when it is planned but generally prefer to game online with each other and they Whatsapp a video call together as they play.

He does play football so does that twice a week and has signed up for DoE for yr 10 but other than that he likes being at home. I let him crack on - would rather that than hear about him being a PITA hanging round the streets!

I read a really good article about letting them be themselves, rather than judging by your own standards - I am much more sociable and love being out but he is is own person and I have to respect that!

I didn't monitor him at scouts when he was 12, he was 6 and refused to go unless I went too 😄
He refused to learn to swim ( which he now enjoys)
Refused to learn to ride a bike ( which he also now enjoys)
These are kind of basic human skills I think? That and football? I'm not sending him out sky diving.
Perhaps screen time is too strict, I'll take that on board. And genuinely I'd prefer to back off. He has spent most of the weekend in his room reading and drawing. The rest of us have just gone about our business as normal, asked him to come along wherever we we were going and he said no thanks.I feel guilty when I push and guilty when I don't. Rock and a hard place 🤷‍♀️

Getting out and about can help deal with stress, anxiety and low mood as well as keeping them physically healthy
This is it in a nut shell for me.

My son's nearly 12 and has no interest in doing any extra curricular activities. We've tried to encourage it but he has no interest. He certainly wouldn't go to a sports camp or anything similar.
We're quite relaxed. We make sure he has fresh air and exercise (despite the moaning) but then he's allowed on his gadgets. We don't time him. If we feel he's been gaming for too long we simply get him doing a different activity - eg. Let's make pancakes! Let's play cards! Or something.
I think you're too strict with him. 30 minutes gaming a day at 12 is quite harsh.

I'm in two minds.

Yes, getting out and about is good for people.

But at his age I was never happier than when in my room reading a book.

Some people just aren't the "I need to get out and socialise every single day" type and I'm not sure making him go out will help.