Second child or one and done…

[RandomUsernsme123456]

Got one dd through ivf. Shes 2.5 now. Lovely child but in a really tricky toddler tantrum phase. Every little thing is a big to do. It’s exhausting.

But times ticking if we want another and we have several embryos in storage. I’m 39 and we’ve done two transfers this year both BFN’s.

Am I being unreasonable to consider calling it a day on the ivf and embracing being one and done?

Keep thinking about the pros and con’s…

Pros:
Always thought I would have two, still imagine life with two.
My child is a big joy in my life, more joy = good.
I love and value my sibling particularly now we are adults I’d like that for DD
We have the opportunity to do this now and won’t soon because of time and money and infertility

Cons
Money is so tight and it has been a struggle to make everything work, nursery fees have been crippling.
We’d be going back to the baby stage (a pro and a con).
Parenting is so fucking hard at times. I can give DD more of my best as an only. She is precious and deserves my best.
I can have more of my life back if we stick with one, time with partner, time for hobbies/friends.
I would be 40 with a baby, 60 with a 20 year old - is it getting too late?
I fought with my sister as a child, I don’t want to be a referee.
Toddlers are such hard work, I don’t know if I could successfully do ivf and pregnancy while working full time and running around after DD.

I guess there is no right answer here but do any of these reasons seems reasonable/unreasonable and WWYD?

There’s no right or wrong answer here OP.

The one piece of info omitted from your list is what your DH thinks?

@MidnightPatrol flip flopping like me…. We were both on board for transfer one and two and now less sure.

I would go for another one if it was me.

I think you have too many what ifs on your list that speak from the heart that mean you deep down want another,

It is hard, it's so hard, but your toddler is on the verge of getting 'easier' and by the time the baby comes she will certainly be even easier again

Just me personally I think sibling relationships are valuable and even more so with older parents

Currently 12 weeks with no 2, dd also 2.5 and ivf. Since her I’ve had 2 failed transfers and was also asking myself this question. It is obviously very personal to you and I knew for sure I wasn’t ready to think about that decision myself, but also was afraid of getting to the point I would have to consider it (ivf is hard right?!!)
one thing I would offer is, do you think you would look back in x years, when it is no longer a viable option, and regret it? Money is a big factor I totally get it, however I kinda rationalised that with I still have time to rebuild my finances (Again tho I know completely situational dependant.) so the regret question was my driving force- my answer was a big yes and luckily 3rd fry was the charm, but if it hadn’t been- not sure how much longer I could do it for-mentally.

wishing you all the best in your decision 😊

I'd give it one more go as you're paying for embryo storage anyway and that expensive part of the IVF is done. If it didn't work then I'd probably stop at that point.

I am in a similar situation. The only difference is that we don’t have any embryos left so we don’t have an ivf decision to make as such.
We’ve talked about trying the natural way but decided that a second baby would not enhance our lives. Luckily, both myself and DH are on the same page.
Good luck with the decision OP, it’s not an easy one.

@RandomUsernsme123456
Totally get this question!

I too have a dd through ivf and she's absolutely brilliant iv been pondering for 5 years on whether to ttc. I completely get all your reasons. I did try again recently but sadly ended in blighted ovum. I'm not sure whether to try again or not. Iv not got the answers but wanted to write so you're not alone thinking this. I'll have to keep reading your replies to help me. (I'm 41 so bit older)

OP a few months ago I could have written your post word for word. 2.5yo daughter following lots of fertility struggles and IVF, in the crazy toddler stage which is exhausting but we are happy. All the exact same reasons you face for potentially having another, and the exact same cons. We did a few more rounds of IVF and when they didn't work out (I was 39) we decided to give up and we were happy with our decision to be a family of 3. We were happy with our decision and looking forward to having a bit more money with nursery fees coming to an end soon and being able to take a young child on nice holidays (as opposed to a baby or toddler)...

...a few days before my 40th birthday I found out I'm pregnant. Honestly it took us a while to be happy about it, despite everything we had been through. Even now at 16w I'm still not 100% there. I even resented the pregnancy for a while but we're starting to get excited now. Having closed that chapter of our lives it was hard to open it again.

All that to say that whatever decision you make will be right for all three of you. All of your points are absolutely valid but only you and your husband know what you all value most in your family life. Just make sure you're on the same page, don't make any decisions until neither of you are flip flopping. Worth through each of your points one by one together. And get birth control if you decide against!!! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ didn't even occur to me after 10 years of infertility, and we just decided once and for all a few months ago.

I'd say don't worry too much about the 60 with 20yo thing it's common now and 60 is still young now. So many mums in late 30s and early 40s now, it won't be that uncommon.

Finally, how old are your embryos? Mine are 34 (as that's the age I did my last retrieval) so doctors weren't concerned about age from that perspective, it's more if you're up for looking after a baby at this age.

And, does your clinic do natural transfers? I.e. no meds for the embryo transfer? They often don't do many each month because they're hard to manage with lots of patients but they were happy to with me for my last few rounds because I had been through so much already. It meant no medication and while I did have to go for more bloods / scans, I didn't have all the meds making me tired / bloated etc so it was much easier.

DM me if you have any questions or want to chat as someone who has been in exactly the same boat, and good luck x

I think you just know.

I always wanted two but realised that my life is super happy and perfect and I dont want to mess with that. More kids doesn't mean more joy imo. When I thought about it, it meant mess time with DD1, constant juggling, things missing her swim lesson if it clashed with the baby's class or missing a school thing because it clashed with another school thing etc and I just wanted every moment with her. I didn't want to miss alton towers rides because I was holding the baby and so on. Everyone is different. Deep down I'd love another but I don't think I would love that life if iykwim.

@HelterSkelter224

How incredible. After all the TTC and the IVF! I can't imagine your shock. And to have put the issue to bed as well and decided to be done. I can really see how it would be a difficult thing to come to terms with. I wish you all the best with the pregnancy. Life has such a strange way of surprising us at times.

You are right about not worrying too much about the age. I have a friend that has had her first at 43, it certainly more common these days.

Our embryos are 35 and our clinic has no concerns about age. Perhaps it's just my 2.5 year old is incredibly hard going at the moment between poor sleep and lots of tantrums I've started to feel old recently (I know 39 is not that old!) but it's making me think do want to go through all this again.

We also have four embryos in storage - which on the one hand we are so lucky to have. But on the other we would wipe our savings if went through another four transfers. Not to mention IVF is not fun, and I have spent a lot of my 30's trying to get pregnant, thinking about children, always half a mind on fertility.

And thanks for mentioning the natural transfers, it may be worth trying as the bloating and side effects have been rough with each cycle but part of our fertility issue is hormonal on my part so I wonder if it would reduce our chances... a question for the clinic!

Aside from age, I'm in a similar situation. We've decided to stick with one, as I can be the best mum to one child rather than trying to spread myself and my resources thin over two. Live multiplies, but money, time and patience don't (for me).

I have a sibling who I loathed from birth and have always wished I was an only child myself so although I'd like LO to have a nice sibling relationship, it's not worth the risk or the stress of refereeing constant arguments if they end up like my brother and I.

@ClonedSquare
I really find it interesting reading everyone's opinions on this as I'm in same situation have one wondering whether to have 2nd.

You have such interesting points regarding siblings. As iv got older I'm not particularly close to either of mine and growing up had issues with both I'm the youngest they got everything I had to work for everything. Im veering more towards one and done as I can see a better quality of life with finances / holidays / relaxation /calmness and I'm really feeling my age.

However ...It takes a strong person to completely decide this 🙈 im still not sure while iv still got a glimmer I can still do it. Im taking folic acid maybe I'm wanting to try again I'm flip flopping.

Very difficult decision OP. Have you ever heard the phrase ' If in doubt, go without'? I apologise if that sounds insensitive, wasn't meant to be. Your lists of pros and cons are very meaningful. I have only ever had one child ( due to circumstances) but for friends and family who have had 2 or more, they say the difference is enormous. I appreciate that having siblings can be wonderful ( my own experience) but I also know some siblings who hate each other and are estranged. Being an only child doesn't mean being a lonely child. So the decision has to be yours and your husband's. So the only advice I can give is that whatever decision you come to, don't beat yourselves up with if's and but's.
As with any big decision and this is a BIG decision, you need to let it rest.
Wishing you and your family well

@Itonlytakesone I can totally understand that, I've flip flopped back and forth a thousand times. We actually did try for a second for a month at the start of this year! But that month made me realise I was actually one and done, the idea of a positive test was awful to me. Kind of like when you flip a coin and realise which answer you're hoping for.

I do wonder if I'll regret it in future. But every day life with my son gets so much better and more enjoyable that I just don't want to change anything. The age gap now would mean that my husband and I would end up dividing and conquering all the time and doing "once in a lifetime" holidays or events at times where either one child is too old/young or neither are the best age. Which isn't something I want.

I think at 39 I’d stick with one. It only gets harder parenting as we get older and have less energy. It sounds like you have valid reasons for sticking with one.

@ClonedSquare
Well I had the positive test! But as a cruel twist of fate my body continued to think it was pregnant for 9 weeks before I had a d&c (blighted ovum) total mind fuck I'm only 5/6 weeks over that but what a toll that took on my little family not in a rush to go there again

Ok let’s say (sorry if this is macabre!) the lab phones tomorrow to apologise because there was a power outage and the embryos have defrosted, what would your overriding feeling be?

Not insensitive at all - and perhaps good advice when it comes to something as important as children.

I have one (no ivf) and we have settled nicely into being a family of three. My only regret is that when DH and I are dead or even eldery he won't have anyone to share that with, no person who also has memories of growing up in the family. But I had siblings and while I'm close to one the others are not a huge important part of my life. Even the one I'm close to isn't a daily, weekly or even monthly part of my life.

I was also personally very sad at times about that absent space but I'm also grateful I don't have another child to look after in my late 40s. I'm beginning to have more time and considering getting a new qualification and putting my energy towards more financially rewarding work. I don't think this would be an option if I still had a younger child.

I stuck at one as I found it so bloody hard and mine was a right handful up until about 5.

I'm so glad I did.

I think for people of our generation it is becoming the norm. It's so expensive and difficult especially if you have to work full time.

I say enjoy what you have. I have no regrets.

I feel like this, currently pregnant so we’ll see

I will caveat, DH and I both mid 20s so still time to change our minds. Decent jobs, own house, always wanted a big family.

Cost of living and the reality of finances as an adult has made us really really rethink. We want to provide DD with the best we can. Nursery fees are so expensive like you say. We want to be able to afford fun Christmases for her, not make it tighter because we’ve got the second child’s nursery fees to pay for. We want to be able to go on holiday and continue to do this when you pay adult prices for them. The more kids = the more expensive.

If finances hugely change I might reconsider but as it is now, having another would mean we needed a bigger house, and any savings we have for her would be divided by 2. It’s enough to make me think twice!

@ClonedSquare Really interesting perspective re: siblings. My relationship with my sibling was difficult growing up, we bickered and fought quite a lot but get on well as adults. That said they are not a regular part of my life, live a long way away, but they would be one of the first people I would turn to if the shit hit the fan. I do get what you are saying though.

@Rainbowsponge It would settle the matter and it would be a relief to have the decision out of my hands.

Ah, in that case I think you may have your answer. Good luck!