Second child or one and done…

[RandomUsernsme123456]

Got one dd through ivf. Shes 2.5 now. Lovely child but in a really tricky toddler tantrum phase. Every little thing is a big to do. It’s exhausting.

But times ticking if we want another and we have several embryos in storage. I’m 39 and we’ve done two transfers this year both BFN’s.

Am I being unreasonable to consider calling it a day on the ivf and embracing being one and done?

Keep thinking about the pros and con’s…

Pros:
Always thought I would have two, still imagine life with two.
My child is a big joy in my life, more joy = good.
I love and value my sibling particularly now we are adults I’d like that for DD
We have the opportunity to do this now and won’t soon because of time and money and infertility

Cons
Money is so tight and it has been a struggle to make everything work, nursery fees have been crippling.
We’d be going back to the baby stage (a pro and a con).
Parenting is so fucking hard at times. I can give DD more of my best as an only. She is precious and deserves my best.
I can have more of my life back if we stick with one, time with partner, time for hobbies/friends.
I would be 40 with a baby, 60 with a 20 year old - is it getting too late?
I fought with my sister as a child, I don’t want to be a referee.
Toddlers are such hard work, I don’t know if I could successfully do ivf and pregnancy while working full time and running around after DD.

I guess there is no right answer here but do any of these reasons seems reasonable/unreasonable and WWYD?

My first DD was an ICSI baby, I had her at 37. No Frosties from our rounds. Thought we were one and done but then covid and lockdown hit shortly after she turned 2, I turned 40 and we realised that we had to at least try for a sibling, time would soon run out and the decision would be out of our hands.

Once the gps reopened we went on the waiting list for the fertility clinic post covid and joined the waiting list. In the meantime we tried naturally and just like that, I fell pregnant with twins. I had my twins at 41 and sure, I was exhausted (still am!) but I think I’d have been exhausted at any age.

Once I’d had the twins, I had absolutely no doubt in my mind I was done (I’d only planned 1-2 kids), but when I just had DD it played on my mind a lot more.

Good luck with your decision.

In your position I'd stick with one and focus on enjoying what you've got. The time they are little goes by so quickly and you never get those precious moments back.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences everyone. This thread has been really helpful. Honestly I am still on the fence but feel a bit more okay about that. I think whatever choice we make will clarify in our minds over the next few months. Found out someone close to me was pregnant yesterday and while I was pleased for her I didn’t feel the huge pang that I did a few years ago before my first. Maybe thats the answer. Or maybe I’ll get through this patch and come out on the other side with a new dc. Not the most satisfying of answer but either way it’ll be fine x

We chose to stick with one, I’m not a natural parents and have to put a lot of work in, I think another one would tip me over the edge.

@RandomUsernsme123456
One of the most hurtful, insensitive things to say to someone TTC is "if it's meant yo be, it's meant to be". But possibly in your situation it may be helpful?

As suggested upthread, if you saved your funds (to secure the future for you, DH and DD) and tried natural transfers, that could make the decision less actively in your hands more in "fate's"?

I've only got one and have wondered about having another, but more because I think I should, not because I actually want to. I feel a bit guilty not giving my DD a chance of a lovely sibling relationship, but honestly I really don't want to go through pregnancy, birth and the baby stage again. I know it's temporary but I'm just getting my life back, selfishly I don't want to lose it again to nappy changing.

I'll probably always quietly judge myself for this, but there's nothing new there. I'll always judge myself for something.

I've got to stay true to myself and not what I think society wants me to do.

You have to really want it, deep down OP.

@Falifornia I hear you! Over the years of ttc and ivf I’ve heard all the platitudes. But yes maybe in my case it’s true. If we do more ivf then will certainly looking into a natural cycle and weigh up if it’s right for us given our particular fertility issues.

I think it’s a completely different question for you as you have the embryos and therefore the ‘what ifs’ are totally different.

I would almost certainly go one more time BECAUSE I was uncertain and let that be the decider. I think it sounds as if, if third transfer was unsuccessful, you would put this to bed. Right now you are not sure (and still under 40).

@Barnabyby all of this, yes. Whatever you do or don’t do you’ll be slightly haunted by the path not taken I reckon. But you don’t get to do everything in this life… one thing I didn’t mention is that my child was quite ill in hospital for the first month, at one point I asked the question if the thing that was wrong was going to limit their life. Thanks god it didn’t but what if we had another with a condition that did, I don’t think I’d cope. I have friends with children with SEN that are struggling. It’s a huge gamble having children at the best of times. You are right you have to really want it, AND accept all the potential outcomes of that choice.

Hi, not in the same boat as you as we didn't have IVF but we did struggle and had multiple losses along the way. I always thought we would have 2, and would think daily about when we should ttc again (I hated the thought of TTC, more potential losses and the anxiety I had through my healthy pregnancy that I was going to lose it again).

Anyway, one day my DH suggested we just stick with one. I couldn't fathom this idea to start with but then one day it just clicked, and I started considering it too. It was like a weight had lifted never having to think about TTC, miscarriages, pregnancy etc ever again and I think for our family sticking as one is the right decision. I do something think it would be nice for him to have a sibling, but there are no guarantees they will have a nice relationship plus we can put our full focus into DS who is great.

I was convinced I was one and done... now accidently 7 weeks pregnany with my second. Been going back and forth about whether to continue with the pregnancy. I think now that the second baby isn't just hypothetical, we might just roll with it and hope for the best. Such a tough situation to be in!

We decided to stick with one after ivf and miscarriages, although we don't have any embryos in storage so I do think that has helped with our decision as it would mean totally starting again. I have struggled with this but my pros list is big. I do see other mums with 2 and it looks really hard especially when they are young. Our boy is nearly 4 and is a delight (yes he has his moments) and has all our attention. We are able to take him on holidays, days out but these would be less often with more children. He has never asked for a sibling so far. Life is just easier with one so why make it harder for us all when we have got what we always wanted.

@LillyLeaf such a good way of looking at things.

Also just to say other people's pregnancy announcements often send me into a spiral for a day or two, I'm hoping they become less and less as we get older.

@LillyLeaf I also still find pregnancy announcements hard!

Glad I found this thread
im 39 , no ivf but my daughter was conceived following 6 miscarriages .

I have an older child ( 9 year gap )

when I was pregnant I couldn't wait to close the chapter on Ttc but I have been feeling broody for months now and would like my daughter to have a sibling closer in age but there's so much to consider. Essentially more emotional trauma with possibly more losses
.

part of me feels the broodiness is hormones : age as I am 40 in October .it's definitely a full on broody feelIng , but part of me feels I don't want another baby , I just want my two as babies again if that makes sense 🤦🏻‍♀️

I always say this 'iv already got what I always wanted' ! So funny i just read this on your post.

I'm also pondering on number 2 but i just turned 41 so know it's a bit of a gamble my age possibly more losses/heartache feeling my age. Iv already got what I wanted my beautiful ivf icsi 5 yr old dd I'm definitely flip flopping but this thread is a very interesting read super helpful

It's like a fight between our practical mind and our hormones. I'm 41 too and absolutely have times when I think, let's just have a go for another one, but then I'm reminded if those brutal years of ivf and miscarriages. We were so close to being unsuccessful with our DS that the our chances would be even lower now and the risk of more miscarriages or a disabled child is really high. I don't think I'll ever be 100% content in not trying for another but I know it's not the wrong thing to do either.

@LillyLeaf
We really need a crystal ball 🔮 don't we. I know it's an absolute miracle I got my dd the blastocysts were not graded high that's why they decided to put 2 in.

I worry about the affect on me if more losses. I had my 1st miscarriage recently. Broke my heart. Also worry about the child not being healthy etc my mind is always going over it all it's driving me insane all with the thoughts of being happy with what iv got and how calm it is (most of the time!)

@RandomUsernsme123456 did you ever reach a decision? Not in the same situation but flip flopping over trying for a second one last time after 2 m/c’s age 41. Some very good insights on this.