To wonder if I’ve been a crap parent, or at least not as good as I thought I was

[MumblesParty]

I’ve been on MN for nearly 20 years, and have read hundreds of threads in which people have referred to the behaviour of their parents, and the negative effect it had on their lives. These range from horrific physical abuse, to more subtle mental abuse (such as pressure to achieve, favouring siblings, constant bickering etc).

I’ve been a single parent to my now teens since day one, and have done the absolute best I can. I’ve always put my kids first, played with them, taken them on lovely trips, endless model railways (both loved trains), spent hours kicking a ball around with them at the park, read to them, had water fights in the garden - basically my life revolved around them, and every spare moment was spent doing stuff together.

But recently DS1 has said things that have made me question myself. He’s just finished his first year at uni, and he’s experiencing quite bad anxiety about his future. He says the thought of growing up and having to get a proper job fills him with dread. The reason for this? Well, it’s the example I set. I have a stressful job, and although I only worked 2.5 days a week, the hours were long, and he says I always came home grumpy and snappy. Which is true. I’d get home and the house was a tip, I’d have to do everything myself, there’d always been some sort of mini drama to fix, lost school uniform to find, broken toys to mend etc. When they were younger my Mum looked after them, and whilst she’s a lovely wonderful person, she’s incredibly messy, so I’d come home to total devastation every day, like dirty nappies on the floor, spilled food everywhere. I’d have to rush around trying to clear up, find everything for the next day, get the kids to bed, hear about the disasters of the day. And I was already exhausted after a 14 hour day at work.

Obviously the kids are older now, and I work shorter hours, so it’s not as bad. But it really upsets me to think that without meaning to, I appear to have created anxiety in my DS.

Sometimes it feels impossible to win as a parent, which makes me very sad. None of us are perfect, but does the bad stuff really cancel out the good stuff?

Honestly, I think life is difficult and challenging in various ways for everyone. It doesn't matter how wonderful our parents are, they will have faced difficulty and struggled with something and we will have seen that as a child and may develop apprehension or anxiety around it. It's natural, albeit hard to see in your child.

What you also have is a son who has a safe haven to share those concerns - you! That reflects the hard work and great job you've been doing as a parent. Well done!

I feel like this at times from things my adult children say to me. I think until they become parents themselves that they realise how difficult a job it is.
I think at bit of reflection on their behaviour was and how it impacted on you might be a good thing.
All parents can do is do your best.

You did what you had to do to keep everything doing and your son has the selfishness of youth on his side. Once he becomes a parent he will realise what sacrifices you made.

He should be old enough to perceive that people have many different experiences of being a working person. Focusing on your experience is myopic. It’s good to track where your anxieties originate but not to then just sit it that as an unmovable thing.

Maybe sit him down and explain how it was for you. Treat him like the young adult he is. Explain how much joy he brought and brings to your life but that yes, it was difficult sometimes. But his life is his own and his choices are his own.

It is impossible to win as a parent! We love to blame our parents for who we turn out to be. Sometimes that's justified of course, but often what we're complaining about is that life isn't absolutely perfect and our parents didn't find some way to make it so.

If you didn't work he could be telling you that he's anxious about finding a job because you never worked and he didn't grow up in a working household. You can't win.

He'll grow up and realise that real life is difficult and it's impossible to be a perfect parent.

Everyone is affected by their upbringing, positive and negative. Not everything is within the parent(s) control. You are setting yourself an impossibly high standard if you expect there to be no negatives in your children's upbringing.

Well it's too late to go back now, but I'm sure he'll realise you did your best.

His life might end up the same, in which case he'll eventually understand, or it might end up different as he'll be determined to make it so.

You can't really call it, but it's important to remember anxiety comes and goes.

When he stops being anxious about that, he'll find something else to be anxious about.

That's just life.

It's impossible to create the perfect environment for a child. It just doesn't exist.

I know I did and said some unfair and upsetting things to my kids as they grew up (although I expect the things I remember might be the things they have forgotten, and vice versa). Nothing cruel or abusive, just saying the wrong thing if I was tired or stressed, but everything you do will have an impact, especially when they're small.

On the other hand, they know I love them, support them and only wish for their happiness. And I think the best achievement you can have as a parent is to bring up children who realise you're human, but you did your best.

And you can also point out that having children isn't mandatory.

He might not even want them.

It's a positive sign that he can confide in you. Just tell him that it is hard being a single parent, but hopefully he can avoid that himself.

You are being way to hard on yourself. You sound like you've done a great job.

But he got to Uni and you are both still standing, and he is able to express his worries to you.

Job done.

I do not for one minute believe anybody who says they have no regrets about parenting decisions. I remember having what could basically be described as a tantrum one very trying day and threw a jigsaw out the window.

We went out for cocktails on his birthday a couple of years ago, mother and son got quite pickled that afternoon, and we were having a "do you remember" session and he brought it up. We had a giggle and agreed it wasn't my finest hour and should he ever have kids, throwing a jigsaw out the window wasn't the way to go.

But the fact we were out together, having a nice day as mum and adult son tells me that mostly I was adequate enough. Which is all that matters.

You're not to blame. He needs to learn a hard lesson in responsibility and owning his own life. It's quite fashionable among his generation to put all their woes on their parents (yes some of it is absolutely deserved) and intensely navel gaze encouraged by social media. He will grow out of it by the time he graduates.

Single parent here too and my kids are late teens. My eldest commented a while ago on how stressed I was in one particular job and how I was in a mood when I came home. Now he's working he understands a little more.

The challenge is you simply can't do everything as a single parent so you have to prioritise what's important. So we have a messy house that needs work but is full of animals, extra teenagers and hopefully love. I chose to spend time, energy and money on things we enjoy together rather that an immaculate house. No one ever reflects on their childhood happiness at a perfect understairs cupboard.

And I do think as a single parent we are so much more invested in doing a good job to compensate for the absence of another parent. Possibly overinvested - so even a small perceived criticism hurts. We are doing the best we can but no parent is ever perfect.

I think that age group are very ego centric. They have incredibly high expectations of parents and a sense that we should have been perfect.
I’ve had to remind my eldest a few times that all of us parents are only very ordinary people that are trying our best on a given day and we are as perfect as she is.
Hindsight is a great thing and yes we could all do better and behave better and be more perfect but fuck that, if they were fed, loved, provided for and cared for they were given a winning opportunity at life. So when that deflection of their own fears/failings or whatever it is that possess these young adults to lay blame on their parents my feeling is they need to be reminded to take responsibility for themselves and their behaviour. As parents we are doing them a service by doing that because the world is tough and that’s an important life skill.

Your son isn’t scared to tell you about his problems, and his sense of being loved unconditionally by you is obvious – otherwise he’d never feel able to criticise you. You’re definitely not a crap parent!

I know it doesn’t solve your son’s anxiety but I bet that a hundred people reading your post would have picked you as their mother instead of the scary, uncaring mum they actually got…

This

Thanks everyone. It’s true that it’s impossible to create a perfect upbringing for children, because life isn’t like that. I suppose it’s just slightly disturbing that the things we think of as minor “that’s life” issues, may be having more of an impact than we think.

I’m quite obsessive and like to have control of my environment, which comes from being brought up by a totally chaotic mother. I know she did her best, and I had a very happy loving childhood, but there’s no doubt that the chaos had an adverse effect on me. She wouldn’t never have guessed this, and I’ve never told her.

I’m only now realising that we can be good kind loving parents, and still end up causing our kids problems !!

Oh goodness thank you for posting this. I have teens/adults and spend my days wondering where it all went wrong. I hate the title of the stately homes threads because I also feel I did my best and put them first but it's never enough and one has severe mental illness which I am constantly accused of not doing enough for.

Exactly! I would always have said, hand on heart, that I am a good parent. But you never really know do you, which little things your kids may react to. You just never know.

My dd said she never wants to have dc (same age as your son) and she had an idyllic childhood. I made mistakes, and got things wrong, we all do.
Adulthood is overwhelming for young people, it is no wonder they feel the way they do.

This is not about you op or your parenting. Our dc are individuals with unique characteristics, and this will impact how they see the world, their mental health etc. Instead of thinking about all the things that could have been better, why not look over the photos and reflect on the happier times too. Tell him the beauty of holding your newborn and the genuine loveliness of reliving childhood with your own children. Talk about the fun and memories. Now he is older, life is not so straight forward and if he has anxiety this will be doubly hard.

You did a grand job. Be proud.

None of us are perfect, we are all human and you would be a terrible role model if you were modelling 'perfection' to him anyway, then you would be setting the bar impossibly high, and he would have different types of problems then! 😂

We adopted DS and were told on our adoption course not to aim to be fantastic parents, they are few and far between, just aim to be adequate. It's all that's needed.

It was good advice.

It’s unlikely your DS’s current worries and feelings are primarily due to your parenting or role modelling part time work as a parent. Far more likely that other factors are affecting him.

@MumblesParty you sound like a lovely parent who did their best. Your children take you for granted, because they learnt very early on that you were so reliable, and there for them. When they have their own children, they will appreciate you more xx

You sound like a great parent op.
Your son needs to face reality. When he gets his own house he will learn how hard it is.
Lots of people question weather to have children after seeing how hard it was for their parents for example.
You haven’t done anything wrong.
The reality of work can be a scary place for teenagers. All you can do is support him.