To wonder if I’ve been a crap parent, or at least not as good as I thought I was

[MumblesParty]

I’ve been on MN for nearly 20 years, and have read hundreds of threads in which people have referred to the behaviour of their parents, and the negative effect it had on their lives. These range from horrific physical abuse, to more subtle mental abuse (such as pressure to achieve, favouring siblings, constant bickering etc).

I’ve been a single parent to my now teens since day one, and have done the absolute best I can. I’ve always put my kids first, played with them, taken them on lovely trips, endless model railways (both loved trains), spent hours kicking a ball around with them at the park, read to them, had water fights in the garden - basically my life revolved around them, and every spare moment was spent doing stuff together.

But recently DS1 has said things that have made me question myself. He’s just finished his first year at uni, and he’s experiencing quite bad anxiety about his future. He says the thought of growing up and having to get a proper job fills him with dread. The reason for this? Well, it’s the example I set. I have a stressful job, and although I only worked 2.5 days a week, the hours were long, and he says I always came home grumpy and snappy. Which is true. I’d get home and the house was a tip, I’d have to do everything myself, there’d always been some sort of mini drama to fix, lost school uniform to find, broken toys to mend etc. When they were younger my Mum looked after them, and whilst she’s a lovely wonderful person, she’s incredibly messy, so I’d come home to total devastation every day, like dirty nappies on the floor, spilled food everywhere. I’d have to rush around trying to clear up, find everything for the next day, get the kids to bed, hear about the disasters of the day. And I was already exhausted after a 14 hour day at work.

Obviously the kids are older now, and I work shorter hours, so it’s not as bad. But it really upsets me to think that without meaning to, I appear to have created anxiety in my DS.

Sometimes it feels impossible to win as a parent, which makes me very sad. None of us are perfect, but does the bad stuff really cancel out the good stuff?

I hear you OP. As a single mum myself I did what you did, took them out, engaged with them, was (am) always there for them. There’s a two year difference between my two (both now young adults), the eldest thinks I’m the best mum in the world but the younger one has been a little more critical (which did hurt for a moment).

We are very close and have a very good relationship but he sees niggles where my older one does not (upbringing and love exactly the same - no favouring one over the other). I’ve put it down to their differing personalities. I could have dwelt on it but I know I’ve done the very best I could and importantly, I’ve never let them down and they can talk to me about anything. I think it’s almost a rite of passage that even the best parent will get criticised (for being too good!).

I’m sure there’s an ancient philosopher’s quote on this somewhere.

The thing is, none of us had a truly perfect upbringing.

I had wonderful, loving parents (still have my mum, dad died in 2017) who I know did their best with what they had.
Were they always perfect? NOPE.
Do I think they were trying their best? YES.

He won't really understand until he becomes a parent himself - and even then he still might not if he isn't a single parent bearing the full mental load that you had to op.

I wanted to add a bit of a “child’s” perspective to this. I know that my mum did the absolute best she could in some often difficult circumstances. I also know that some of the choices she made and things she said/did have had a lasting (negative) impact on me, who I am, how I communicate with others and so on. Both of these things can co-exist - it isn’t a case of being either a good parent or a bad parent as parenting is so much more nuanced than that. However, one of the most painful experiences with my mum has been mustering up the courage to tell her about how hurtful some of these things have been and having her deny they ever happened or refuse to take any responsibility for them. I am not suggesting that I am owed a grovelling apology, but just a bit of self reflection and acknowledgment would have gone a long way. I don’t think she realises how much this has impacted our relationship now as I am very guarded and closed off to prevent further hurt. I guess what I’m saying is please don’t disregard what he’s saying, listen to him, acknowledge and validate his feelings, and work with him to identify a way forward. Him saying this to you would have taken guts and this is a real opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Avoid being defensive. I also think this models such great behaviours for him to take forward should someone, like a child or partner, challenge his actions or decisions in the future.

edited to add: please please don’t take the approach of “he will understand once he has children” as per other posters. He is telling you how he feels right here, right now. Future hypothetical circumstances are irrelevant. Yes one day his perspective of his childhood might change for all sorts of reasons, but what matters is the here and now.

It sounds like you did a wonderful job. Dc is going through a difficult time and looking for someone to blame. Parents are not perfect and if you're looking for fault you'll find it.

Also you can't tell the consequences of actions all the time. If you'd not worked maybe he'd have said you didn't set me the example I needed because you didn't work.

Also at his age many things filled us with dread. I dreaded driving but I learnt to do it. He'll get over it and realise no one's perfect but overall you did a wonderful job.

I'm going through this too, and trying not to take it to heart. I always thought my late DH and I did a good job of parenting. We were kind, we were empathetic and loving, and we had well behaved and happy children.

Like all parents there were moments I wish I'd handled better. But having been brought up by an incredibly selfish and abusive mother, I've always felt that I'd done a better job than I could ever have expected of myself, given I didn't have a positive example to follow. My kids in the part have very much acknowledged this, and in lucky that my DH and his mum were fantastic influences.

But recently both my daughters (mid 30s now) have mentioned things that they clearly feel have affected them in some way. And I find it really hard not to dwell on that and worry that our relationship is tarnished in some way.

It was only when I had kids myself that I realised what a great job my mother did. My father did a good job - he was loving and present - but it was my mother who ran around like a blue-arsed fly organising everything while working a full-time stressful job. Of course she was stressed, snappy and shouty sometimes - she was human!

The things is parenting styles have changed a lot. When I was a kid yelling was normal, infact parents who didn't ever yell were judged as soft. And there's a big blame culture on social media at the moment. Though some of it is justified it can turn into a total lack of forgiveness (And before anyone says it I'm not a boomer)

I think its right to listen and respect his views. They are his feelings, they are valid. At the same time I agree not to blame yourself. And at some point if it continues the answer is something like, I'm proud of you, you're a wonderful person. I did my best to support you to become that person. I'm sorry for x y z mistakes I made and if I could go back in time I would. I'm sorry its so hard to find a job these days, it must be incredibly frustrating. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

I'd keep reinforcing the idea he can overcome these hurdles.

You don't sounds like you were a shit parent.

Good or bad we are all formed by our upbringing. Sometimes people just look for reasons when really there are none as well, maybe he'd have been an anxious person anyway. A parent working long hours 2 days a week doesn't seem extreme at all

I think about this a lot as a single parent who works all the hours God sends (out of necessity). I know both that I have no choice and that I don’t spend enough time with my daughter. It’s a strange sort of cognitive dissonance because you know there’s nothing to be done about it but it doesn’t stop you feeling guilty.

It is particularly bad when you read the endless comments on here from the type of morons who say things like “why bother having children to farm them out to someone else,” smug in the knowledge that they will never have to make that choice. I know these people are goady idiots who are acting out their own anger but it doesn’t stop it hurting.

Having spent about a decade wrestling with this, though, and having worked as hard as I can to make time for my child, to listen to her and to parent her as she is, not as I imagine her, am pretty sure that my teen now understands that I have done the best I can.

Others are right that there’s no such thing as a perfect upbringing or a perfect childhood. A child who understands why you did what you did and trusts you enough to confide in you about their fears and anxieties has had a good enough upbringing.

My mum had this poem on the wall in her kitchen, I often think of it now I have teenagers.

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

No one is perfect and as parents, there's always something we think we should've done better.

You have a son who has completed his first year at uni and has conversations with you about his worries. All of that is the work of great parenting.

Ah, no. A child at uni who you have a lovely relationship is a huge success. Honesty is the best policy. You could have worked less (claimed benefits, for instance) but you worked. Don’t lose sleep over it. You have a well functioning adult son who I am sure loves you with all his heart. I’m sure this is a very small thing in his mind.

My sister still blames my parents for their crappy up bringing and she is 58 years old. I had it even worse and I just let it go in my late 20s.

I think some kids, teens and young adults like to find fault until they parent themselves or mature I think being judged by your own kids is another stage we have to go through.

You sound alike a fab mum!

Very few parents are as good as they think they are. People aren’t perfect. We, usually, just all do our best.

My adult kids say they can now see how hard it can be sometimes.🙂

You sound like a lovely mum who showed normal human emotion. Although we blame ourselves for any difficulties our children have, there is something to be said for personality. You could have three children who all cope with things differently. What your children saw was normal life and a m who gave them her all.

I do think that the current school of thought around gentle parenting is good but it has some drawbacks, and one of the drawbacks is that it doesn't foster resilience. I wonder if he has perhaps absorbed some current theory around how parenting "should" be and has attached causation to correlation that he is feeling anxious and that his childhood wasn't Disney perfect therefore in his mind it's that which is causing his anxiety. I also note that he doesn't appear to be blaming his absent father for this!

I don't think you being a bit snappy as a harassed single mother is the cause of his anxiety. I do think that this generation has a mind blowing amount of anxiety - in fact I think there's an anxiety epidemic in all generations, which is more to do with the state of the world than our childhoods on the whole.

This.

A wise friend of mine once said "everyone is going to fuck up their kids a little bit, no one is perfect". It really stuck with me. You cannot control every single response and behaviour in life, all you can do is try your best. Brushing my daughter's hair has likely given her PTSD for the rest of her life LOLZ. Best you can do is get him some help for it. I recommend using subliminals (youtube is full of them, they work.) And use BodyTalk therapy. I know a great girl, I can mention Pigtail Gurl from youtube, she offers remote sessions and has lots of experience with troubled young adults. My sons OCD was gone in one session with her. Not kidding. BodyTalk is much better then therapy.

That’s not unusual for teens when they leave home and go to uni. It’s the same whether you’re a single parent or a couple. It’s something my own DC have experienced and countless others. When they’re in such close proximity to their peers, sharing living space etc they’re bound to discover other people have lived different lifestyles. I think this is particularly true since fears of debt have led to less well-off students and more wealthy ones. My children have discovered that many of their friends have large homes, a throwaway attitude to consumables and little experience of shopping, cooking etc They are often very focussed on careers in which a leg up from their parents will secure their future. That’s not to judge; it’s just what they’ve known from childhood.
It’s not surprising that our teens with less-privileged backgrounds will question their own upbringing. Hopefully, they’ll come to realise their home lives weren’t so bad, really.
Sounds like you’ve done a brilliant job with yours.

Every person in the world will have something that affected them. As long as you try your best that's all you can do.
For me, my parents both retired when they were 35 (boomers) and never had to work again. We were well off financially. So I never saw anything to do with the working world. It seemed to me you got rich from nothing. They also never pushed me to get a career. I'm now 40 and have never enjoyed working, completely resent it and never have any money.
Weirdly my husbands family are exactly the same and also never worked. But he is a hard worker .