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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Let down by a friend

48 replies

SunnyRaven · 07/07/2024 09:42

My best friend and I have arranged a shopping trip to a designer outlet village about 100 miles from where we live. This has been arranged for around 3 weeks. As a happy coincidence, the date which suited us both is her birthday, I asked her a couple of times if she was sure and did she had plans with her partner, and she said no, all good as long as she was home in time to go out to dinner. She said she was really happy as it meant she got to spend the day with me also.

This trip is supposed to be tomorrow (Monday). My friend and her partner have been invited to spend Sat and Sun with another close friend and her partner, again, birthday celebrations - all lovely.

My friend messaged me yesterday (Saturday) to say she would have to cancel our trip, she's sorry but could still meet me in the afternoon. I asked was everything ok, she said yes and again she was sorry. I asked if the cancellation had to do with the other friend and it turns out the other friend had arranged a lunch and my friend felt she couldn't turn it down.

AIBU to be hurt and angry by this? In my mind either the other friend didn't have the courtesy to ask if my friend had plans or more likely she did but my friend didn't want to say she had plans with me as this other friend had expressed some jealousy over our friendship in the past. Either way, I am hurt and feel so let down.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 07/07/2024 09:47

I would personally back out completely and tell her I'd see her another time. Let her do the running on it though. She's been very rude over this.

combinationpadlock · 07/07/2024 09:49

it happens, she was in a cleft stick. At least she is honest, and not inventing lies. Why don't you just go on Tuesday?

Jamazon1 · 07/07/2024 09:53

It does seem a bit greedy of the other friend to not only have the weekend but to grab the Monday as well. Hopefully she just thought she was doing a lovely thing for your bestie. Perhaps your BF felt really put on the spot but is hoping you’ll understand and not give her a hard time as after all it is her birthday.
Maybe cut her some slack this time but let her be the one to make another arrangement for your trip. If she doesn’t, then you might reconsider the closeness of the friendship, these relationships do change over time and circumstances.
In the meantime take a breath and enjoy celebrating the moment you still have in her day.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/07/2024 09:53

Sometimes you don’t know what’s at play behind the scenes, maybe she let the other friend down recently and can’t say no, maybe the other friend is strapped for cash and made the gesture to pay for the birthday lunch and your friend feels awful to say no. Sometimes I have to let down my easygoing, nice friends and have to pander to my high maintenance, needy friends. I can see why you’re pissed off, but don’t make her feel shit about it on her birthday. You go and have a nice day, I wouldn’t bother meeting her in the afternoon, I’d say ‘let’s leave it for another day when you don’t have as much on.’

INeedAMumMoan · 07/07/2024 09:55

Friend B, I’ve arranged to take you out for lunch on Monday for your bday
Birthday Girl, “sorry that’s really nice of you but I’ve already arranged a day trip with Friend A” ( and I’m spending the next 2 days with you…)
I’d feel pretty pissed off!

Randomworkmoan · 07/07/2024 09:56

I would be pissed off and would say "So you don't want to say no to her after you have spent all weekend with her, but are happy to cancel our long standing plans? That really tells me all I need to know. No thank you to meeting up in the afternoon. Happy Birthday"
And that would be the polite version. Yanbu. Head off by yourself and enjoy the day, you will clearly be in better company alone

HaveAWordWithYerselfWouldYa · 07/07/2024 10:00

yanbu

very rude of her to let you down as yours was the prior engagement

Original poster
SunnyRaven · 07/07/2024 10:00

combinationpadlock · 07/07/2024 09:49

it happens, she was in a cleft stick. At least she is honest, and not inventing lies. Why don't you just go on Tuesday?

I work full time and have booked leave for the Monday and cant take Tuesday at this short notice.

OP posts:
Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 07/07/2024 10:05

Wow some of the responses are very emotionally charged! She's your friend, not a lover who has spurned you. I'd take the 'oh that's a shame but don't worry. Let me know when you want to next meet up' line and keep it light. She probably feels awkward about it and her other pal expecting a lot of her time over a weekend so why make her feel worse? She owes you nothing and friendships in adult and mature years should be about choosing to spend time with one another, not being duty bound due to fear of emotional fallout from the other person.

FetchezLaVache · 07/07/2024 10:07

Very poor behaviour of your friend, OP. I wouldn't accept the consolation prize of the afternoon meet-up either - I'd tell her that you're making the most of the day's leave you took and going to the outlet village on your own.

Lifechanging12 · 07/07/2024 10:08

I’m not buying it to be honest.

Sounds like your friend would rather have lunch with her other mate and their partners as she was probably having fun over the weekend. She knows full well you’ve taken the day off work to spend the day with her but instead of saying no I’ve got plans she’s disrespected the effort you’ve made for her and would much rather push you to the side and tell you to meet later.

If that was me I’d tell my friend that I only get X amount of days off holiday a year from work and I’m upset to be cancelled on with not even 24 hours notice. Then I’d tell my boss I’ll be in work tomorrow and to cancel annual leave (I know not everyone can do this) and not see friend at all

Nibblepies · 07/07/2024 10:08

I would still go on the shopping trip by myself. You’ve arranged leave, don’t sit at home feeling resentful.
Going forward, I would be a little less available to this friend. It is evident that she is a weak person who values other people’s feelings above yours. I’m not saying completely end the friendship but just be aware of where you stand and treat her accordingly.
My reply would be “Hi friend, that’s disappointing to hear. I am going to go ahead with the trip so won’t be around in the afternoon to catch up. I hope you have a great birthday and we will have to arrange a catch up sometime soon”
(and I would be unavailable for the foreseeable future…)

Original poster
SunnyRaven · 07/07/2024 10:08

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 07/07/2024 10:05

Wow some of the responses are very emotionally charged! She's your friend, not a lover who has spurned you. I'd take the 'oh that's a shame but don't worry. Let me know when you want to next meet up' line and keep it light. She probably feels awkward about it and her other pal expecting a lot of her time over a weekend so why make her feel worse? She owes you nothing and friendships in adult and mature years should be about choosing to spend time with one another, not being duty bound due to fear of emotional fallout from the other person.

Thank you for this and happy to take some of this on board but I feel she owes me (as we all owe each other) respect and some loyalty.

OP posts:
AmelieTaylor · 07/07/2024 10:11

@SunnyRaven

isnt it a bit fishy? The 4 of them (well the other 3) just happening to have Monday off work?

LadyKenya · 07/07/2024 10:12

SunnyRaven · 07/07/2024 10:08

Thank you for this and happy to take some of this on board but I feel she owes me (as we all owe each other) respect and some loyalty.

Show quote history

This. Too many women are prepared to put up with poor treatment sometimes from friends. I look back, and see that I allowed a lot of that. How you choose to respond is down to you, but at least you can see that this situation is a bit off.

VirginiaGirl · 07/07/2024 10:14

No, thats not on and I would call it off. I’d probably write something like ‘no worries, let’s just do it some other time.’ But then I wouldn’t go out of my way to rearrange. I would feel like she accepted a ‘better’ offer and it has happened to me recently so I know how it feels.

time2changeCharlieBrown · 07/07/2024 10:18

That’s shit
your a second thought here!
id tell her your going to work now as seems pointless having a full day off ,or tell her your going shopping alone, as you have the day off and want to make the most of it as planned!!

but so not to fall out - maybe add “how about a drink or something after work” or the weekend after ….

see if she tries to make amends or feels bad will show how much she actually appreciates you or not

Testina · 07/07/2024 10:18

It’s rude of her - especially as you’ve taken a day off for this!
But do you think the realisation of a 200 mile round trip for a shopping centre suddenly seemed left appealing than a nice lunch with friends?
I mean if so, she’s still in the wrong because she couldn’t have suggested you two change your plans. But driving 100 miles for a shopping centre? 😳

Original poster
SunnyRaven · 07/07/2024 10:20

AmelieTaylor · 07/07/2024 10:11

@SunnyRaven

isnt it a bit fishy? The 4 of them (well the other 3) just happening to have Monday off work?

They are all very well off and business owners so it's maybe easier, I don't know and hadn't thought about that tbh

OP posts:
AmelieTaylor · 07/07/2024 10:20

@SunnyRaven

weird thing of pp to say 'she owes you nothing' & to say what friendship is in adult years...very odd.

Anyway, you're right, she does owe you respectful behaviour.

I'm really flexible with friends & generally don't mind when arrangements need to be changed, but haven taken the day off work & doubled checked with her, yes, I'd be hurt she'd bailed on me to suit a different friend. She didn't have the day free to have lunch with the friend she's spending the weekend with, she already had plans.

NippyCrab · 07/07/2024 10:21

Can you cancel your leave and head into work so you're not wasting a day? I think it's rude to let you down.

Original poster
SunnyRaven · 07/07/2024 10:21

Testina · 07/07/2024 10:18

It’s rude of her - especially as you’ve taken a day off for this!
But do you think the realisation of a 200 mile round trip for a shopping centre suddenly seemed left appealing than a nice lunch with friends?
I mean if so, she’s still in the wrong because she couldn’t have suggested you two change your plans. But driving 100 miles for a shopping centre? 😳

Thank you, she was really up for it and it's a lovely day out, she is a real shopper and loves labels but it's a fair point.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/07/2024 10:22

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 07/07/2024 10:05

Wow some of the responses are very emotionally charged! She's your friend, not a lover who has spurned you. I'd take the 'oh that's a shame but don't worry. Let me know when you want to next meet up' line and keep it light. She probably feels awkward about it and her other pal expecting a lot of her time over a weekend so why make her feel worse? She owes you nothing and friendships in adult and mature years should be about choosing to spend time with one another, not being duty bound due to fear of emotional fallout from the other person.

The OP took a day's leave especially for the day

The friend is rude. She could have turned down the lunch as something was already arranged

buttonsB4 · 07/07/2024 10:23

I'd be pissed off that Id taken a day off work and it was now going to be wasted; surely she knows this?

Wishimaywishimight · 07/07/2024 10:23

I really can't see the problem with your friend saying to the other friend "oh sorry, I already have plans for Monday". I would be pretty pissed off!