Page 2 | Let down by a friend

Nanny0gg · 07/07/2024 10:23

Moveoverdarlin · 07/07/2024 09:53

Sometimes you don’t know what’s at play behind the scenes, maybe she let the other friend down recently and can’t say no, maybe the other friend is strapped for cash and made the gesture to pay for the birthday lunch and your friend feels awful to say no. Sometimes I have to let down my easygoing, nice friends and have to pander to my high maintenance, needy friends. I can see why you’re pissed off, but don’t make her feel shit about it on her birthday. You go and have a nice day, I wouldn’t bother meeting her in the afternoon, I’d say ‘let’s leave it for another day when you don’t have as much on.’

Why do you?

Why should your nice friends be walked over?

DeftLemonDog · 07/07/2024 10:27

YA N B U

If she knows you have taken the day off work especially for her birthday then it’s pretty rude in my book. Taking the day off work for someone is a big thing

If this is the first time she’s done this type of thing to you, I think your response is an opportunity to tell her how you expect to be treated as a friend. We teach people how to treat us by what behaviour we accept as being okay.

She could have a good reason of course, although it doesn’t seem so from what you’ve written in your post.

Createausername1970 · 07/07/2024 10:30

I wouldn't end a friendship over it as we all get stuck between a rock and a hard place at times.

In this instance I would reply and say something like "thats very disappointing, I was looking forward to it, but if you really can't come then you cant. But I am still going, so can't meet you in the afternoon. The next jolly is on you though!"

Buttoneyed · 07/07/2024 10:41

I’d be annoyed. You’ve taken a days leave and she should be quite capable of saying to her friend that she can’t do lunch because she has plans. Why is ok to let you down but not other friend

LadyWhistled0wn · 07/07/2024 10:47

I would just tell her you've booked the day off work for this, and if she can't honour the original plans then there's no point meeting up at all.

Let's be honest all she had to say was she had plans that day already, she's a bad friend.

martinisforeveryone · 07/07/2024 10:51

I'd work backwards, what will you do with the day? If you can cancel your day off work I'd do that. If you can't cancel the leave, I'd go on the day trip anyway by myself or with anyone else who was able and up for it and enjoy yourself.

Then, how to respond to your friend and how to go forward.

Look, plans can be trashed, other opportunities can crop up, some might be in that too good to turn down category and I'd say that's perfectly understandable and acceptable amongst good friends. But, taking that into consideration, to drop one friend for another when the new plan's nothing all that remarkable, is hurtful and rude. I say that as someone who has a family member in my life who's notorious for doing this on a regular basis.

I express disappointment and say I find it rude and hurtful to be constantly weighing up options because of FOMO and do they ever think about how it makes people feel when they're dropped. I then accept their change and leave the ball in their court to revisit a new plan.

To me it's about the value people place on relationships.

plainjayne8282 · 07/07/2024 10:53

So she'll be spending Saturday, Sunday and now also Monday lunchtime with this friend?

That's a lot. I couldn't do that, it's too long.

It's also very presumptuous of the other friend to just assume she will be available to her on Monday after spending Saturday and Sunday with her.

I can't relate to that dynamic. Nobody I know would make that assumption, and if they did they would be told "no, I'm sorry, we can spend Saturday and Sunday together as arranged but I have plans on Monday."

The fact your friend thinks it's easier to let you down last minute than say no to this friend would really irk me.

I'm very reluctant to cause drama or seem to be being precious etc, but I don't think I could let that slide. I probably am petty and I know i definitely hold a grudge but I'd probably just ditch her as a friend over this.

It's really disrespectful

plainjayne8282 · 07/07/2024 10:54

Nibblepies · 07/07/2024 10:08

I would still go on the shopping trip by myself. You’ve arranged leave, don’t sit at home feeling resentful.
Going forward, I would be a little less available to this friend. It is evident that she is a weak person who values other people’s feelings above yours. I’m not saying completely end the friendship but just be aware of where you stand and treat her accordingly.
My reply would be “Hi friend, that’s disappointing to hear. I am going to go ahead with the trip so won’t be around in the afternoon to catch up. I hope you have a great birthday and we will have to arrange a catch up sometime soon”
(and I would be unavailable for the foreseeable future…)

Further to my reply above I would probably do this.

But make no further effort with her.

EnglishBluebell · 07/07/2024 11:11

You NEED to stand up for yourself on this one OP and make it clear to her that she's done wrong. Otherwise she'll do it again!

EnglishBluebell · 07/07/2024 11:12

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 07/07/2024 10:05

Wow some of the responses are very emotionally charged! She's your friend, not a lover who has spurned you. I'd take the 'oh that's a shame but don't worry. Let me know when you want to next meet up' line and keep it light. She probably feels awkward about it and her other pal expecting a lot of her time over a weekend so why make her feel worse? She owes you nothing and friendships in adult and mature years should be about choosing to spend time with one another, not being duty bound due to fear of emotional fallout from the other person.

She owes OP nothing??? OP took the day off work for this! The friend has behaved appallingly and OP should absolutely stand up for herself. You may be happy to be a doormat but not everyone is

EnglishBluebell · 07/07/2024 11:17

This sort of thing really annoys me as I no longer have any friends at all (20+ year best friend changed, drifted apart) and yet, some people have kind & decent friends like OP, who take a day off work for their birthday (nobody has ever taken a day off work for my birthday, not even DH!) and yet they treat her like shite…!

Ihadenough22 · 07/07/2024 11:18

You took a day off work to spend her birthday with her. You would probably have driven her and paid for her lunch out as well. Instead she decided to spend more time her partner and other friends that weekend and said she can't go with you Monday. Then she decides she can meet you Monday afternoon. She probably ring then saying she will be late or can't meet up.

I think she is cheeky doing this to you especially when your working full time. She knows that you would have taken that day off as well. I would go to where you planned on that Monday or do something you like.
Tell her I am going to the outlet or doing x that day but we can meet up again.
If someone was good enough to take a day off work to celebrate my birthday I would not let them down at the last minute. At this stage I let her make the effort to meet up with you some evening or weekend.
I have been there making a lot of effort for some people. After they showed the side of letting me down or made no effort when they knew I needed help I pulled away. I met up with them when it suits me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/07/2024 11:19

Createausername1970 · 07/07/2024 10:30

I wouldn't end a friendship over it as we all get stuck between a rock and a hard place at times.

In this instance I would reply and say something like "thats very disappointing, I was looking forward to it, but if you really can't come then you cant. But I am still going, so can't meet you in the afternoon. The next jolly is on you though!"

I would say something like this.

I definitely wouldn’t get caught up in half arsed “meet in the afternoon” plans.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/07/2024 11:20

And I wouldn’t do any running on making future plans. Leave the ball in her court.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 07/07/2024 11:20

Having taken a day’s leave, I would go on the trip on my own. Or make other v good use of the day.

She won’t be done with lunch to have much time with you before she needs to get home and get ready for dinner.

I would feel that it was rude, inconsiderate and hurtful. I wouldn’t decline her suggestion of the afternoon outing due to passive aggressive tit for tat, but just to make good use of a day’s leave. So I would say ‘I have the day off work so think I’ll go ahead with the trip as planned, you don’t want to be rushed between lunch and dinner, we’ll celebrate another time “. And leave it to her to rearrange something.

LightSpeeds · 07/07/2024 11:30

If she knows you booked a day off work for it, it's REALLY shitty behaviour (otherwise, it's pretty shitty behaviour).

I'd be absolutely fuming if I'd lost a day's annual leave at such short notice.

Can you go to work and cancel the AL?

Original poster

SunnyRaven · 07/07/2024 11:52

By way of an update, my friend has asked if she can call me this afternoon and has changed her plans to join me tomorrow. She's normally a really good friend which is why I was so hurt. I think she has reflected and realised it was a crappy move on her part and I'm not going to lose a good friend over this. I will let her know how I felt but I'm hoping she already knows. Thank you all who have voted and commented.

OP posts:

voiceofastar · 07/07/2024 12:10

EnglishBluebell · 07/07/2024 11:17

This sort of thing really annoys me as I no longer have any friends at all (20+ year best friend changed, drifted apart) and yet, some people have kind & decent friends like OP, who take a day off work for their birthday (nobody has ever taken a day off work for my birthday, not even DH!) and yet they treat her like shite…!

Edited

This is where I'm at. I've recently re-evaluated friendships and have reached the stage where I no longer have any local to me. I've had friends behave appallingly towards me, happy to take and take but not give and hurting me deeply in the process. I won't put up with it anymore.

The OP sounds lovely and I would cherish her friendship.

Createausername1970 · 07/07/2024 12:14

SunnyRaven · 07/07/2024 11:52

By way of an update, my friend has asked if she can call me this afternoon and has changed her plans to join me tomorrow. She's normally a really good friend which is why I was so hurt. I think she has reflected and realised it was a crappy move on her part and I'm not going to lose a good friend over this. I will let her know how I felt but I'm hoping she already knows. Thank you all who have voted and commented.

Or maybe she was reading this thread........

Original poster

SunnyRaven · 07/07/2024 12:22

Createausername1970 · 07/07/2024 12:14

Or maybe she was reading this thread........

Show quote history

😂 maybe

OP posts:

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 07/07/2024 13:58

EnglishBluebell · 07/07/2024 11:12

She owes OP nothing??? OP took the day off work for this! The friend has behaved appallingly and OP should absolutely stand up for herself. You may be happy to be a doormat but not everyone is

Show quote history

It's not about being a doormat, it's about not sweating the small stuff. I agree it's terribly rude of her but enough to make an undignified emotional rant about? No. Anyway, op has since updated that her friend has been in touch and changed things so problem solved.

MasterBeth · 07/07/2024 14:21

Testina · 07/07/2024 10:18

It’s rude of her - especially as you’ve taken a day off for this!
But do you think the realisation of a 200 mile round trip for a shopping centre suddenly seemed left appealing than a nice lunch with friends?
I mean if so, she’s still in the wrong because she couldn’t have suggested you two change your plans. But driving 100 miles for a shopping centre? 😳

100 miles!!!! Oh no! You should probably have booked an overnight stay!

FFS. It's a day out. Driving for a couple of hours up the motorway each way is really no big deal.

Enigma60 · 04/08/2024 20:36

SunnyRaven · 07/07/2024 09:42

My best friend and I have arranged a shopping trip to a designer outlet village about 100 miles from where we live. This has been arranged for around 3 weeks. As a happy coincidence, the date which suited us both is her birthday, I asked her a couple of times if she was sure and did she had plans with her partner, and she said no, all good as long as she was home in time to go out to dinner. She said she was really happy as it meant she got to spend the day with me also.

This trip is supposed to be tomorrow (Monday). My friend and her partner have been invited to spend Sat and Sun with another close friend and her partner, again, birthday celebrations - all lovely.

My friend messaged me yesterday (Saturday) to say she would have to cancel our trip, she's sorry but could still meet me in the afternoon. I asked was everything ok, she said yes and again she was sorry. I asked if the cancellation had to do with the other friend and it turns out the other friend had arranged a lunch and my friend felt she couldn't turn it down.

AIBU to be hurt and angry by this? In my mind either the other friend didn't have the courtesy to ask if my friend had plans or more likely she did but my friend didn't want to say she had plans with me as this other friend had expressed some jealousy over our friendship in the past. Either way, I am hurt and feel so let down.

You’ve every right to feel angry and hurt, what a shoddy way to treat you. She accepted your invite even when you gave her the option to back out so she could spend the day with her partner, and now she’s decided celebrating her birthday and spending time with the other friend is a better option, AND she informed you by message rather than speak to you. How rude. I would distance myself from this ‘friend’ who clearly has little or no respect for you or your friendship. .