To have expected DP to come and be with me? *trigger warning baby loss*

[avarteayaya]

Prepared to be told I am BU.

I'm almost qualified as a midwife, I work on placement 48 + hours a week atm.

Had a really tough day, had my first full term stillbirth case. Whole situation was (obviously) horrendous. I communicated this via text to DP, when on my break.

We only see each other 1-2 times a week, yesterday we pencilled in him coming over today depending on how tired I was after work.

I have depression, and I have been feeling down and struggling a bit recently. He knows that.

Before the end of my shift I brought it up, and he said he was expecting me to let him know. He was out at the pub watching the football with his friends and said he doubts he'll be free.

He's between jobs, so has weeks and weeks of doing absolutely nothing. He sees his friends virtually every day. He lives under ten minutes away from me.

AIBU to be upset by this? I don't want to overreact but I really can't be arsed with him.

He's shown you who he is, it's up to you to decide what to do now.

Thank you

I’m not sure how to correctly respond to this.

so step by step.

your work requires a strength of mind and control you perhaps do not have just now.

your relationship is a separate matter. I’ve had a bad day at work. Perhaps. But emotional support from someone you see once or twice a week. I see the postman more than that. He’s shown you that by his response.

you are struggling at your own admission and today would have horrific. But you perhaps need to step back and look after your own mental health in order to do this extremely difficult job.
reach out to work. To support systems in place. To the correct places.

I find it difficult to word this but it’s not about you perse. Projecting your grief onto him. I’ve been married 25 years and I’m not sure how much if ever. Perhaps once. I have done that to DH. vice versa. Him to me. Once maybe.

its difficult but I’m not sure how much you should be sharing with him other than tough day. Perhaps I’m overly sensitive as a rural area and he would be able to connect dots.

Being between jobs and pissing money away down the pub not a good catch
I'm really sorry you had this happen, I'm sure you were a great support for the mum and much appreciated

Now it's your time, when you feel steady enough go find what you need, and dont settle for less...ever 💐

If he's just on a random night with the boys and not anything 'special ' and he has the means to get to you then yes it's a bit shit of him and he's showing you where his priorities are. Unless he rocks up later with a very good reason I wouldn't be bothered by pursuing the relationship further. Does he have form for not prioritising you/ the relationship?

I'm sorry you (and that family) had to go through that. It sounds incredibly distressing for everyone involved. Hope you have other support in place and you're able to be gentle with yourself over the next while.

I work in a city that's over 20 miles from where we live, he won't be able to connect any dots and I haven't given any details.

We don't usually see each other this little, but it's unavoidable at the moment.

I will be fine regarding what happened today, it is horrific but I absolutely can cope. It's just a knock after an already bad week. I don't feel I need to take a step back from work at the moment.

I'm also not projecting any grief onto him. If he was having a shit time and then had a shit day, I'd go and be with him. He's out doing what he does every day.

Thank you so much for your response, I've taken on board all you've said.

Yanbu. You don't mention how long you're together though. New relationship of a couple of months, I may be willing to give a second chance. More than six months, I'd end it.

How long have you been with him?
And if he's out watching the football with his mates there's a strong chance he's pissed so probably won't be the best person to have around.
Also, unless he has been similarly affected or trained in counselling he may not be the best person to talk to.

On and off for five years.

I don't want to use him to offload, or speak to about it. It just would've been nice to have the company and have him be with me.

I kinda get the football thing as it's england...what's he like normally. Do you have any friends who can support you tonight. Did you have a boss or someone to support you. Re him rethink his normal behaviour normally.

@avarteayaya thats good. Having been where the lady was its people like you that get those of us in her place through. It’s people like you we trust in. So I suppose my point is rely on those closest to you in the team. Reach out there. Your relationship is separate and if you asked for him to be there for a bad day and he wasn’t. That’s your answer.

Thank you.

He has been out to watch every England game so far, and he doesn't even watch/follow football.

I finished work after the match had finished, so he could've come afterwards.

Did you tell him you wanted to see him? It’s simply possible that he doesn’t appreciate how hard today would have been for you.

I'm sorry for what you've gone through, I'm an obs anaesthetist and it doesn't really get easier 10y on. Feel free to message me if you want to rant at how crap life is (I've had a run of awful cases too)

Def rubbish of him but try to focus on you bath/cheesy film/early night/light a candle for the baby

Did you get a debrief at work? Or offered one in the future days, I generally find them invaluable when I've had an awful day at work with something.

To comment on the other part of your post, I'm an Emergency nurse and see a lot of traumatic things, I’m pretty stoic now after 10 years but my husband has always dropped everything to be with me after a traumatic event/day at work and supported me no end, even when we didn't live together (and he lived 90 mins away) he would drive to support me. You need that in this type of job and he should have supported you. Your wellbeing should be more important than friends and the pub. Sorry 🤍

One thing I will say, as a midwife, your partner, your family, your non midwifery friends will not get it - you will get your support from those within, either your cohort or others within the midwifery family (and if you want to message me please do)

On another note - when I started my training I was told 10% of you will quit, 10% will get pregnant 10% will split up from your partner/get divorced

All that said - he doesn't sound like a partner - he may have been the person you were sleeping with occasionally but he's no partner and no support to you

Have you had any supervision on placement today?
When are you next due in?

I understand that you need support but worry that your post is inappropriate. As a nurse I understand the need to offload but I couldn’t post my experiences on here.
A mother has lost her baby and you’ve posted on a parenting site.
If I were you I would report your post.

Look: he’s an asshole. He doesn’t even like you that much. Five years in to this half hearted relationship where he prefers a piss up at the pub to rubbing your feet and bringing you a cup of tea? Come on!

5 years in to a good relationship you should be past the early romance and in a steady, powerful, supportive relationship. Five years in I was newly married and the relationship, now at 34 years, was deepening.

Don’t let anyone shame you for wanting support from your boyfriend. If you can’t get that from bf—yes even in england and even where footy is concerned—throw him out and get someone who is crazy about you.

As is often the case, the first response is spot on.

The only person you can rely on is you.
So do that. Do what you would normally do to de-stress yourself after a shit day/week.
He isn't going to do that now. He may never prioritise you.
After 5 years you may have a better idea of what he usually brings to your table.

And @avarteayaya you do an amazing job, thank you 💜

Yeah I kind of get it too. It's Saturday night you "pencilled in" some time but if you cancelled he's then left with nothing to do. While I don't do football myself I do understand it's an important event for many. So I agree with @Londonrach1 what's he like normally? If you have a tough day and then see him how does he react?

Your on and off for 5 years also is of note, does he ditch you when the going gets tough?

On another note - when I started my training I was told 10% of you will quit, 10% will get pregnant 10% will split up from your partner/get divorced how did they know 100% of you could even get pregnant?

@AstonMartha what an unpleasant post. OP has posted nothing identifying and there's no reason for her not to seek support here. You need to spend less time judging this OP and more time working on your empathy.

I'm so sorry OP that sounds grim 😢 dealing with your first stillbirth isn't a bad day at work, it's a traumatic experience - I hope you've got good supervision at work who will support you while you process such a tough experience.

As to your partner, did you explicitly ask him to come and be with you? If he didn't leave the pub and his friends to come and be with you, he's putting his own desire to have a fun night over your need for some comfort and support 😔 I'd be questioning whether you will be able to rely on him in tough times in the future. Maybe you need to have an honest conversation with him about how this has made you feel.