Long lost family. Two minds.

[Chickencuddle]

I was put in foster care as an older child. (2nd year High school) there was sexual abuse at home. Physical abuse and emotion abuse. I struggled alot with eating disorders and panic attacks etc. It was an awful time but I came through it and although it still effects me sometimes I'm mostly OK. I have kids of my own and a life I love. When I got taken into foster care I didn't have any contact with any family.
My cousin and aunt contacted me when my mum died 4 years ago. But they ended up not messaging back. I figured they had their own life too and that the past made them uncomfortable and sad. So I left them to it. I was sad that they seemed unbothered about having a relationship with me and tbh it mad eme angry thinking about my dad having a relationship with them after everything he did and I'm the black sheep and I had no family. But I figured this is the price I pay for my freedom.
Now I recently got a message off my cousin saying she is questioning how well she knows my dad has seen lots of things which are red flags. Wondering if she wants contact with him and also worried about her children having contact with him. She wants to know what happened.
On one hand I want to tell my truth and have my say. I also feel like her kids shouldn't be around him.
On the other hand I feel like this will blow everything up again. My dad will be angry and don't know what he'd do. I have to protect myself and my family and my mental health too. I also feel a bit like I've been abandoned all these years and now she wants to talk when it's convenient to her and she wants information. I've not spoken to her on over 20 years. It's like telling really personal things to a stranger. Do I want to he the cause of relationships possibly ending. I feel like she should make her own decision about him. I feel like I'm removed from it and I've sacrificed alot to be free and I don't want to be sucked into it all again.
At the same time I'd love a relationship with her. I loved her as a child and I feel like this is an opportunity..
Tbh my head is a complete mash up of emotions and feelings and I can't even think straight. Help.

I think you could say that you personally wouldn’t have your children around him, and leave it up to her what she takes from that?
I couldn’t say nothing, as her children could be at risk

Same as PP, I would not go into personal details that may harm your mental health, but would say to your cousin that she should not have her kids around him and leave it at that. You can also say that for your own sanity you would not be sharing more, but would love to keep in touch with her if she would like to.

Be careful. I had a cousin contact me for info about the family saying we must meet up etc, which I willingly gave, but then she completely blanked me once she got what she wanted. I wish I hadn’t given the info.
once you say it you can’t take it back.

What an awful experience for you growing up OP. I can appreciate what a conflict you are now going through with this request from your cousin.

What PPs have said is a good, simple version of the truth and I think if you don't reply at all you'll feel worse because of the danger to her children.

If it were me I'd be tempted to slip in a small comment about them having maintained contact with your Dad " TBH it always suprised me that you chose to keep in touch with him rather than me...." - but that's just me being snarky and you're prob better to say less and not provoke further questions from your cousin if you'd rather not go down the route of very bad memories which is more than understandable.

I agree that's quite likely to happen but where there are children involved it's very difficult to not do the right thing by them even though the kindness may well not be reciprocated by the OP's cousin.

Often families can ignore all the red flags because it makes them more comfortable to believe that their relative would never do something like that! I had a relative who was in court for sexual offences and was found not guilty ( as so many guilty people often are) I remain convinced he is 100% guilty and have had to cut contact with other relatives who despite glaring inconsistencies in his story choose to believe him because it's easier than facing the truth! The absolute mysoginistic rubbish coming out the mouths of his female relatives was utterly disturbing! In your situation op i would just state that if you were in her position you absolutely would not leave your kids in any form of contact with him and leave it at that!

I wouldn’t want to think that kids could be put at risk, so I would probably say something like “It’s very hard to talk about, and I’m not sure I’m ready yet, but I wouldn’t have my kids anywhere near him”.

That's so hard. Could you just say something like,

"I was removed from my father and placed into care because he was abusive and I strongly believe he will be a safeguarding risk to your children. I won't go into further details as obviously this was hugely traumatic for me."

Factual but cold. I don't think she deserves a relationship with you.

So sorry for what you went through @Chickencuddle , so glad to hear you have made a good life for yourself now. 💐
I agree with posters saying give just basic information and only if you want to. If your cousin had wanted to have a relationship with you she would have tried by now, there was a chance when you were informed of your mother's death, but they never pursued it.
Look after yourself OP 🌹

She did say that she was a child at the time and believed what the grownups told her but now she's older and can see things for herself and doesn't like things he says and does and lots of red flags. My husband says I'm clutching at straws as I'm desperate for some contact with family and that she should know. He points out even the stuff he posts on fv is highly offensive, homophobic, racist, misogynistic and Jyst very aggressive. She also mentioned that her dad (my dad's brother) told her about an incident he whitnessed when I was 3.my father violently shouting at me and said if he was like that in front of people what happened behind closed doors. Part of me thinks they've not wanted to face it and it was easier to cut out me. Another part of me thinks she just didn't know. My husband thinks they all must have known. My aunt knew what kind of man he was and she messaged me about it all but she divorced from my uncle a long time and isn't a part of that side of the family any more.
Sorry for the waffle going round in circles.

I would say what previous posters have said but I would also say how hard you are finding this to respond at all considering how you were cut off from family and they chose to side with him over a child which is still hurtful and by giving information you are worried of the fall out for you now too.

It's not your job to protect their feelings now (they should have protected you when you were a child!) so I'd be factual and truthful (as long as it doesn't hurt you more)

The cousin isn't after contact or a relationship with you she's solely after information.

I agree with the PP who says stick to factual - removed from care of your parents due to abuse by your father and mother failing to keep you safe. You wouldn't allow him near your children and indeed do not. I would remind her he would be furious if he thought people were talking about him, including her. I'd wish her well and hope her children were safe.

Then I would expect never to hear from her again.

I think you should protect yourself here, while doing what you can do, without doing violence to yourself, to signal that you would not allow your own children to be around him. I also think that your own experience and your memories are valuable here, and that you should be wary of sharing them with someone who may not value them, especially as part of you would love a closer relationship, especially when you've already suffered so much rejection.

Might some counselling (preferably with someone specialist in post-fostering/adoption situations) help here? I know it's required when an adopted adult decides to seek out birth family, as it tends to unleash so much potential for pain.

I would do as pps have said and just say ‘you wouldn’t want children around him’. But, I also don’t think I would pursue any relationship with your cousin. They all abandoned you and I think they are likely to just bring chaos into your life and open up past trauma. They are all linked to a painful past for you, I would focus on the people you have around you now and leave all of the family in the past. They didn’t support you then and they are unlikely to support you now.

I’d reply what @Mostlycarbon has suggested.

I would also add often other family members are shielded from it all. She may genuinely not known or understood it at the time. It may also be now she is a mother she is re- examining it all closer with a different lens.

However you must protect yourself at all costs and she should be respectful of this. I do hope she didn’t just message you that out of the blue like it’s been implied without checking in that you were ready to receive such a message.

“Your family’s choice to abandon me first when we were both children and then when you didn’t bother to reply to me after my mother died have caused me a lot of pain and hurt. I am quite shocked that you are now contacting me because you want something without considering whether doing so could lead to further trauma for me. However, for the sake of your children I am willing to say the following “the worst things that you are imagining are almost certainly true and that no decent parent would have their children around my father.” Please only contact me again if you have a genuine wish to build a relationship with me. I will not be mined for any further information.”

You being taken into care as a child is enough for her to know everything she needs to know BUT she still chose to be around him and have her kids around him until now.

You having no contact with your parents is enough for her to know everything she needs to know BUT she still chose to be around him and have her kids around him.

You having to go through life with no family support or back up should be enough for her to know everything she needs to know BUT she still chose to be around him and have her kids around him.

OP you got on with your life, without them. They didn't care about you then and they only care about themselves now.
Look forwards. Not backwards.

Could you direct your cousin to Sarah's Law, so that they can make the necessary inquiries without involving you further?

www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law/information/v1/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/#:~:text=Sarah's%20Law%20lets%20you%20ask,to%20report%20possible%20child%20abuse.

Thanks everyone she has acknowledged it must be hard for me her bringing this all up and has apologised and said she hopes I'm OK etc. I've messaged back Jyst to say I need some time to think.

OP, is there anyone who can act as an intermediary ? Foster parents, Children’s Services, NSPCC, Salvation Army ? Someone independent to help you both if there is a meeting.

Long Lost Family reunions where there hasn’t been abuse aren’t always happy clappy but where abuse is involved they should be taken very carefully.

I actually live in a different country now so it's tricky. My foster mum is dead now too.

@Chickencuddle First of all, I’m very sorry for what happened to you, and I hope you realise how amazing you are to have overcome all of that to build a good life. You obviously have enormous strength of character and great resilience. I hope you take time to appreciate that in yourself.

I think maybe you’re dealing with two separate things here (and I don’t think you owe your father anything so I’d say put anything related to that aside. He has no power over you anymore - you have your own agency and don’t need to consider him)

First thing is about answering the question she has asked. As many previous posters have said, you can simply answer that you prefer not to discuss the details, but that you would not let your own children be in contact with him. She should be smart enough to understand what that means.

Second issue, and I’m trying to be very kind here, is your desire to have a relationship with her. I’d say based on her question that this might not be possible or what she’s asking for. So please don’t assume that you replying will result in that - that assumption will only lead to more pain for you. However people do mature with age and life stage so she might be in a different place - her latest message suggests some level of empathy. Just don’t hang your hat on this being the start of a new relationship with her.

I know this is really hard and painful but I think that the question that probably you might want be asking yourself is “am I able to help a mother protect her children based on what I know or will that come at such cost to my own mental health that I’m not able to engage in that?”

Sorry, probably a very clumsy way of saying that, forgive me if it’s not the right thing to say. But I personally wouldn’t judge you if you just can’t do that right now. You were taken into care so there were obviously concerns and she must know that children don’t get taken into care for nothing. As a PP said, there are various disclosures she could ask for from the police. The responsibility for this does not sit on you. The responsibility sits with the people who could have protected you, advocated for you, and not obfuscated or even lied about happened.

Whatever you decide, I think you sound like such a strong person who has overcome some much. Take a minute to be proud of who you are :)

Oh, that makes things more complicated. Although, geographical distance could be useful as you won’t be rushing into frequent face to face meetings. Maybe give limited information to start, hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. You may form a strong bond, things may go south, or just drift away again. I wish you all the best.

The fact that you were removed from her uncle's care should have told her everything she needed to know.

Perfect response.

Factual and to the point. You will have done your bit by giving your cousin the info to protect her children without being dragged into conversations you don't need to have.

.