Long lost family. Two minds.

[Chickencuddle]

I was put in foster care as an older child. (2nd year High school) there was sexual abuse at home. Physical abuse and emotion abuse. I struggled alot with eating disorders and panic attacks etc. It was an awful time but I came through it and although it still effects me sometimes I'm mostly OK. I have kids of my own and a life I love. When I got taken into foster care I didn't have any contact with any family.
My cousin and aunt contacted me when my mum died 4 years ago. But they ended up not messaging back. I figured they had their own life too and that the past made them uncomfortable and sad. So I left them to it. I was sad that they seemed unbothered about having a relationship with me and tbh it mad eme angry thinking about my dad having a relationship with them after everything he did and I'm the black sheep and I had no family. But I figured this is the price I pay for my freedom.
Now I recently got a message off my cousin saying she is questioning how well she knows my dad has seen lots of things which are red flags. Wondering if she wants contact with him and also worried about her children having contact with him. She wants to know what happened.
On one hand I want to tell my truth and have my say. I also feel like her kids shouldn't be around him.
On the other hand I feel like this will blow everything up again. My dad will be angry and don't know what he'd do. I have to protect myself and my family and my mental health too. I also feel a bit like I've been abandoned all these years and now she wants to talk when it's convenient to her and she wants information. I've not spoken to her on over 20 years. It's like telling really personal things to a stranger. Do I want to he the cause of relationships possibly ending. I feel like she should make her own decision about him. I feel like I'm removed from it and I've sacrificed alot to be free and I don't want to be sucked into it all again.
At the same time I'd love a relationship with her. I loved her as a child and I feel like this is an opportunity..
Tbh my head is a complete mash up of emotions and feelings and I can't even think straight. Help.

I’d also keep it vague and tell her that in your opinion she shouldn’t leave her children with him.
You don’t need to go into personal details

I’d say what @Mostlycarbon said so that you can feel you’ve given information about the safety of her children but I think you need to disconnect giving this information from the opportunity to establish a relationship with her again as I’m not sure that this is where this will lead. She’s firmly enmeshed within the family and to establish a relationship with you she’d probably need to step away from them which I’m not sure she is offering to do.

Your cousin is just being nosy . She knows what your dad is like and why you went into care . You've done so well up to now without them . Block and focus on your life and family.

Do you have anyone in rl to talk this over with @Chickencuddle? I ask because it seems like you feel a responsibility to do something that might protect your cousin's children and guilt for not wanting to open it all up again (which is valid). I'm wondering if there is someone in your life who would send the factual email on your behalf, with an explanation that you don't want to get into further discussion about it. Then you are one step further removed and are not left open to a further reply landing in your inbox (which none of us know will happen or not). Would that help you feel like you've done what you can to protect your cousin's children and protect yourself in the process?

Not really just my husband who really doesn't want me to have any contact.

I messaged he just saying I'm sorry but I'm not prepared to bring everything up again and that I had to protect my family and myself etc but I did say that the story she told me about my father violently shouting at me at age 3 didn't surprise me at all and was just a drop in the ocean. That I think she could see what he's like and make her own decision.
She said that she's Jyst so sad at what it's doing to everyone. Said she didn't need all the details Jyst a simple yes or no. Was he violent. Was he sexually abusive. Was it just me.
I still feel like I'm just worried about the ramifications of if I say anything. She said she hardly speaks to any of them and is just worried about her dad and her family. But I'm worried it will cause lots of arguments and I'm most worried about my father getting in contact with me (selfish)

You’re not selfish at all.

I wonder whether talking to someone from somewhere like Women’s Aid might help you work through what you want to do. Just a thought.

i would say the truth. He cant do anything to you, especially if you are in another country. I think its just fear from the childhood, but its all over now. You dont have any contact with anyone in your family and in another country what can happen? you dont have to go into specifics, you could say that it was very traumatising time for you and you dont really want to share details but you wouldn't have kids around him for all the things she mentioned? I think it could be quite healing to say say your truth out loud.

It's really, really hard. Wishing I'd name changed before posting so I could say more about my own situation, but let's just say I can empathise through experience and it sucks. I've seen many counsellors, some better than others, which I've found it really valuable at times like these. Take some space from your cousin if you need it and don't get drawn in if you don't want to. She shouldn't be putting a guilt trip on you to reveal more of what happened and saying she's worried about other family members. She should be saying sorry no-one believed you

I mean, you got put in care ffs! What does she think happened to cause that. Sorry, getting angry on your behalf. From her reply to you it sounds like she's more after her own peace of mind, rather than accepting something awful happened and everyone abandoned you.

Your fear about your father getting back in touch is real to you. You are allowed to feel it and work through it at your own pace, telling your story to who you choose, when you choose to, not to appease other's guilt at their failure to protect you.

You didn’t have to answer her questions or give her surviving information.

the earlier short factual response was perfect. You were removed from him. You would not advise children near him. Then close the door. A relationship may or may not develop with your cousin, but it didn’t have to be 0 to 100mph.

I would do all I could to safeguard any child from him. Therefore, despite your feelings, I think you have a responsibility to tell her that he's not safe to be around children and that, whilst you don't want to give details, she needs to understand that he's not a good person to have around children.

I'm so sorry for your children. It can be incredibly awkward as a family member in these circumstances, were you close to your cousin and aunt? Your cousin presumably was a child so couldn't maintain contact independently. Your aunt may have felt conflicted. I am an aunt to children in foster care. We had a very minimal relationship due to their parents behaviour and so it felt very strange to suddenly reach out. I also fear the consequences if my sister in law finds out as she won't leave us alone and we have kids too. I hope the kids don't feel bad about it when they're older.

I'm glad you've found a good life for yourself. I would answer your cousin and then block them if they cause you upset. Life's too short and you deserve to be happy.

@Chickencuddle how are you? You wrote here about your relationship problems in the past - are things a little better? Hope you are your children are doing okay x

OP was there an original social services report that you have access to? You might, if you wanted, send her that. It’s an objective/official account of the reasons you were removed. You didn’t write it, it’s part of the record. It probably has the information she wants and you don’t have to go through all the details yourself…