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Original poster

Partner impatient and shouting at kids

27 replies

Malara · 06/07/2024 07:35

My partner raises his voice with our kids (8+5) a lot. It doesn't take much for him to escalate, some defiance, a bit of effort to encourage the kids to clean up their toys out answer a question and he's raising his voice and shouting at them.

He also can get a bit physical. He's never hit them but my son (8) told me he pushed the back of his neck to get him into the shower. I've seen it myself.

I'm not perfect, I've also shouted at my kids but I'm trying hard to stop and to use other things like humor and affection to work through difficult situations.

But my partner refuses to talk about it and gets angry at me when I try to bring it up. He also blames me that the kids go to me for emotional support when he's angry with them, saying I give them whatever they want. But in that moment what they want is an adult they're not scared of.

He doesn't like when i criticise him in front of the kids and I've acknowledged that and try not to do it but in the moment that he's angry and I need him to step out of the situation, I also need to protect my kids and let them know it's not OK for them to be shouted at.

Am I really being unreasonable by expecting him to work on his anger issues?

OP posts:
CatMumSlave · 06/07/2024 07:49

Same here op 😢

Sunshinebreeze · 06/07/2024 07:50

Is he their father?

Shiningout · 06/07/2024 07:52

Shouting at kids rarely gets them to behave unless it's something that hardly ever happens and for something serious. If it worked he wouldn't need to keep shouting would he! 8 and 5 especially 5 years old is still so young, I can't imagine yelling at my five year old or pushing my kids.

Original poster
Malara · 06/07/2024 07:52

Edit: sorry this is a reply to a question if he's their father.

Yes, he is.

He grew to in a home where nobody apologises and I've arranged couples therapy at three different times but he just doesn't think it 'works'.

The worst part is he's so conflict avoidant, he reacts to me getting angry by taking it out on the kids 😪

OP posts:
Sunshinebreeze · 06/07/2024 07:55

Your poor children.

I think it’s your responsibility to protect them. Offer your partner an ultimatum, improve his behaviour or you leave and take the children with you. They deserve to feel safe and happy in their own home.

CountFucula · 06/07/2024 07:58

So he shouts, scares, bullies and manhandles them. He is volatile and they have no emotional connection to him.
What - apart from providing financially - makes him a good Dad?

Ponoka7 · 06/07/2024 08:00

The worrying thing is that it is escalating and he takes you trying to solve the issues, out on the kids. He's got the issues, but you are keeping the children in a harmful environment. I'd be making plans to leave. They are going to have their self esteem destroyed. At the age when they are supposed to be pushing boundaries, you are all going to be walking on eggshells, or your son will develop anger issues and you'll lose him anyway.

Meadowfinch · 06/07/2024 08:04

It's a difficult one OP.

I've also shouted at my ds. Who hasn't, but not as a matter of routine. And the pushing is definitely not OK. I'd be concerned to leave your dp alone with them because he has a short fuse, anger issues, and is already getting physical.

What will happen as they get older and more argumentative? Most 13yo boys will try the patience of a saint. Your dp needs to accept he has an issue and address it now, because if he doesn't get a grip, there's a risk it could escalate badly later.

TheCultureHusks · 06/07/2024 08:06

Welcome to the start of your kids being fucked up.

Yes, what young kids need is kindness, a good example to follow (calm, willingness to apologise, firm but fair, the list is endless) and most of all exactly as you say, love and support and a parent they aren’t afraid of.

Just say it to yourself and him - he’s a shit parent because he’s a nasty immature bully.

He needs to change or leave, but it doesn’t sound as if that’s likely to happen. Poor kids.

Scottishgirl85 · 06/07/2024 08:06

Poor kids. He's taught them that we shout to resolve conflict. So they'll soon shout back, shout at their friends, lose their friends, shout at their teachers, do badly in school, shout at their future partners and children... It's a tragic viscous cycle. Please get them out of that horrible environment.

Startingagainandagain · 06/07/2024 09:34

You need to stop just standing by and urgently do something about this.

Your partner pushing your kids and losing his temper all the time is not a healthy environment for them to grow up in and this could escalate even further.

The fact that he also gets angry at you and refuses to admit there is a problem is a massive red flag too.

It would be enough for me to end this relationship. Protecting your kids should be your priority.

BookArt · 06/07/2024 19:45

My ex was the same, wouldn't discuss it except from saying I was in the wrong for comforting and reassuring them. He obviously had done nothing wrong.

When we moved out I realised after a month that my 5 year old was no longer having big meltdowns that included shouting, hitting. Our environment was so much calmer that we were all far more at ease. From a kid who had big feelings sometimes a few times a day that lasted 30mins to only having had one of those meltdowns in 7 months and that was after returning from time with his dad.

I would also say that what he is doing now with regards to being physical with your children will only escalate. Especially as the children become more vocal/argumentative. And it could happen when you're not around.

Consider how this is affecting your kids. How do they act with conflict or not feeling in control?? Because it will be affecting them, probably far more than you're aware. Their dad is not willing to work on himself or your relationship so you really only have one option left... Get out now.

tillyandmilly · 06/07/2024 19:50

I could never be in a relationship with a person that thinks it is okay to shout at kids and thinks this is okay - he needs to get his anger issues sorted - personally I would split - for my kids sake - there is no excuse for this aggression

Sunnydiary · 06/07/2024 19:55

I think you need to separate.

OhHelloMiss · 06/07/2024 19:56

This was my ex

My kids are grown up now and still remember a few occasions where they were scared...I left him

Sadly there's no changing a man like this

Longdueachange · 06/07/2024 19:59

Just remember that fathers teach their sons how to behave in a relationship, and their daughters what to accept. It's up to you to break the cycle. Do you have options if you leave?

sprigatito · 06/07/2024 20:02

You say he's so conflict averse that he takes it out on the kids rather than argue with you directly.

Another way of putting this is that he's a gutless bully who prefers to terrify his children rather than pick on someone his own size.

Your children need to feel safe. It's absolutely basic. They can't learn, thrive and grow if they don't feel safe. The constant flooding of stress hormones from being scared will permanently change their brain chemistry.

Moreover, I couldn't love or respect a man whose response to being challenged by a woman was to cringe away from conflict, then go and make himself feel like Billy Big Bollocks by intimidating the children. Revolting.

Noseybookworm · 06/07/2024 20:27

We've all shouted at our children on the odd occasion but it shouldn't be routine. Does your husband have any idea how scary it is to a small child to have a big man standing over them shouting? He really needs to get some help with his anger and you need to insist on it. Ask him does he want his little children to fear him? He needs an ultimatum - stop being aggressive and angry with your children & get help - or leave!

Flittingaboutagain · 01/12/2024 13:52

How are things now OP?

Tattyteddy2 · 29/12/2024 16:30

Hi OP, how are things now? My DP is similar so currently deciding on next steps x

Original poster
Malara · 29/12/2024 20:16

Hi all,

Thanks so much for the replies. It hasn't gotten any better..

The thing i worry about with separation is that right now I can protect the kids from him because I'm with them most of the time. If we separate, he'll be spending a lot of time with them without me there and I worry about how much they'll suffer.

OP posts:
OrangesCinammonIvy · 29/12/2024 20:21

Isn't this sad that op feels she has to stay to protect the dc.

Op I don't know how you would get though to him but you have to try.

Have you tried speak to him and shoving him like he does to dc

Tattyteddy2 · 29/12/2024 21:33

Malara · 29/12/2024 20:16

Hi all,

Thanks so much for the replies. It hasn't gotten any better..

The thing i worry about with separation is that right now I can protect the kids from him because I'm with them most of the time. If we separate, he'll be spending a lot of time with them without me there and I worry about how much they'll suffer.

i feel exactly the same about separating, right now I can be there to protect them and hold them but if we walked away, it’s out of our hands in some ways

Original poster
Malara · 30/12/2024 15:26

OrangesCinammonIvy · 29/12/2024 20:21

Isn't this sad that op feels she has to stay to protect the dc.

Op I don't know how you would get though to him but you have to try.

Have you tried speak to him and shoving him like he does to dc

Yes I'm trying. Now I have found a family therapist. My partner thinks it's for my son but the therapist knows about my partner's behaviour and it is really a therapy for the whole family.

Thanks again for your kind words and support. I don't feel so alone in this situation 💚

OP posts:
SilverTree18 · 21/05/2025 22:37

Hey I hope it got better. This is my husband with our 3 nearly 4 year old. Just out of the blue he will shout at her and put her in her room and I feel sick to my stomach. He won’t let me go to her when she cries and says he is “dealing with it”. He doesn’t hit her but will be rough and pick her up. His face looks so scary and angry even I am afraid. Thankfully he has a busy job and is away a lot but then it makes it worse as he says he wants to spend more time with the kids, he is jealous they come to me more when upset and gets annoyed as he feels I am “chaperoning” him with the kids. He thinks he is always right. What doesn’t help is that I speak to our daughter in my mother tongue which she speak fluently and he can’t understand and gets annoyed. I can’t leave him now as I wouldn’t want to leave our kids with him alone. He would turn so nasty and try all the tricks in the book. We have a 3 year old and a 16 month old though and although I’d have loved a big family I’m not having anymore as I want to divorce as soon as the kids are 18.