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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this a good enough reason to split up?

43 replies

DinosaurWhizz · 05/07/2024 22:42

I want to split with my partner of 9 years, we have a 3 and 4 year old together.
Reasons are as follows:
Constant negative attitude about everything, nothing is any fun, no future plans. Won't commit to buying a house. Constantly leaves shoes, clothes, empty food wrappers lying around yet gets annoyed if anyone else does.
Any infrequent family days out or holidays are always spoiled by his being silent and moody and telling the children off
Spends all his spare time doing his hobby (which I don't mind to an extent but he still moans he doesn't get enough time for it) like 2 whole days each week. I have had a total of 3 days to myself in 4 years.
Says there's nothing else he wants to do in life except said hobby
Doesn't like celebrating kids birthdays or want them to have their friends round
When at home he basically spends 95% of his time staring morosely at his phone. He does cook 6 days a week but often beige freezer food.
His attitude to the children is way off, he won't comfort them, can't cope with any crying, the relationship has to be on his terms. Won't speak to them if he's in a mood, children get upset. Begrudgingly he did put them to bed one day a week for a while but he does such a half arsed job . E.g. doesn't put clothes on the 2 year old, last time he had just a pyjama top around his neck, his arms weren't even in the sleeves.
He's rude to his own family (who are nice) and has no friends
Our relationship was good before kids but I'm increasingly realising he is selfish and arrogant.
He however doesn't want to split up.

Discussing this with a friend earlier who responded "you got his sperm, you've got your kids and now you don't need him anymore". I obviously hadn't told him all this list but is this really how it appears? Partner and I have had several conversations and he will slightly improve each time for a while but I have just had enough now. Feel like I am being sucked down into this joyless existence and am constantly surprised by friends doing things like going on holiday abroad or moving house, as these things now seem so difficult!

Should I stay and try again to make it work for the kids? Or is it ok to give up?

OP posts:
Pussycat22 · 05/07/2024 22:44

Send him back to his mummy!!!!

LiterallyOnFire · 05/07/2024 22:46

Not wanting to raise your DC in a perpetually miserable atmosphere sounds like responsible parenting.

NuffSaidSam · 05/07/2024 22:46

Is he depressed? If he was willing to try antidepressants and seek some therapy, I'd maybe give him a chance.

If not, I'd get rid.

CableCar · 05/07/2024 22:47

Why dont you go to relationship counselling? It sounds like things were good before. It is a really tricky time in life when you have young kids.
Is DP neurodiverse and struggling in this season of life?... Intense narrow interest, struggling with overwhelm on days out, difficulties communicating with family and those around him, difficulty organising himself, struggles to consider other people's feelings? He might be having a really hard time and need some help to process life ATM now he has a lot more demands placed on him. 2 kids under 2 is tricky and it's a tough phase of life. Big hugs .

Julyshouldbesunny · 05/07/2024 22:47

Ah the man who is too depressed to parent but not for his hobby.. I had one of those.. Got rid. Best day ever...

GabriellaMontez · 05/07/2024 22:49

Life's too short to spend it with this.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2024 22:49

Christ. Any few of those very very many reasons are a good enough reason.

And. Sigh. Once again. The kids don't want miserable parents to stay in miserable relationships.

Itiswhysofew · 05/07/2024 22:50

Blimey, what the heck is he doing with his life? He sounds utterly useless/negligent.

You don't even need to ask where or not to stay. You and your children will be just fine without him.

What is he thinking?

I wish you well.

Original poster
DinosaurWhizz · 05/07/2024 22:51

LiterallyOnFire · 05/07/2024 22:46

Not wanting to raise your DC in a perpetually miserable atmosphere sounds like responsible parenting.

This is how I feel really. Thank you

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 05/07/2024 22:51

It's npt giving up. It's recognising that a situation is no longer working for you, taking control, and changing YOUR life and those of your kids for the better.

It sounds absolutely miserable.

EverybodyLTB · 05/07/2024 22:52

I divorced one of these. Best decision I ever made, my poor children that I’d been ‘staying for’ were relieved when he left.

Mumofteenandtween · 05/07/2024 22:54

DinosaurWhizz · 05/07/2024 22:51

This is how I feel really. Thank you

Show quote history

In every thread there is one post that sums it up permanently. This is that post.

StormingNorman · 05/07/2024 22:56

You sound like you’d have more fun and a more peaceful home without him. He needs a rocket up his arse to realise what he’s got in you and DC.

Original poster
DinosaurWhizz · 05/07/2024 22:58

CableCar · 05/07/2024 22:47

Why dont you go to relationship counselling? It sounds like things were good before. It is a really tricky time in life when you have young kids.
Is DP neurodiverse and struggling in this season of life?... Intense narrow interest, struggling with overwhelm on days out, difficulties communicating with family and those around him, difficulty organising himself, struggles to consider other people's feelings? He might be having a really hard time and need some help to process life ATM now he has a lot more demands placed on him. 2 kids under 2 is tricky and it's a tough phase of life. Big hugs .

He's not diagnosed with anything... He doesn't really have major demands placed on him anyway. Works about 5 or 6 hours a day, short commute. Home by 3. Cooks a meal and that is literally all he does. I earn more than him and deal with everything. He could be depressed. He won't seek help though.

I had a counselling session myself and the counsellor told me to communicate better and things did improve a bit but now I have run out of patience.

Counselling together would be awkward with both of us working, no childcare outside those times and also it's expensive

OP posts:
Beginningless · 05/07/2024 23:02

Any reason anyone wants to split up with anyone is a good enough reason. Who you live your life with is entirely up to you and no one else’s opinion on your wishes, is important.

LiterallyOnFire · 05/07/2024 23:04

Is DP neurodiverse and struggling in this season of life?.

ND is not an explanation for being miserable.

Bemyclementine · 05/07/2024 23:06

No, get rid. You'll be so much happier. You're doing the lions share of the parenting anyway, if you split you'll have one less manchild to deal with. And, he can have the kids and you get a break.

Mayorq · 05/07/2024 23:07

Absolutely acceptable and understanding reasons to leave someone.

As a side note, your friend sounds like a terrible person. But a stopped clock and all that.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/07/2024 23:08

The answer to the question in your headline : yes

Noseybookworm · 05/07/2024 23:10

Do you feel the relationship is salvageable? What was good about your relationship pre-children? If you no longer feel any love for him, it may be that you have reached the end of the road. To be honest, his attitude towards his children would probably be a deal breaker for me. Even when my DH and myself have had difficult periods in our relationship, he has always been a loving and involved dad. Sometimes that's been his saving grace! Don't feel that you have to justify to anyone why you want to end the relationship - only you know how you feel.

Rockschooldropout · 05/07/2024 23:16

He sounds like a dead loss - you’ve spoken to him in the past .. he makes a half hearted effort then reverts to type
you’re a long time dead - life is too short to spend like this

cadburyegg · 05/07/2024 23:18

He sounds like a misery to be with. YANBU

Merryoldgoat · 05/07/2024 23:18

Why would you carry on like this? He sounds awful and your children are basically being neglected by him.

Just leave. Imagine how you’ll feel when you’re free.

Original poster
DinosaurWhizz · 05/07/2024 23:19

Noseybookworm · 05/07/2024 23:10

Do you feel the relationship is salvageable? What was good about your relationship pre-children? If you no longer feel any love for him, it may be that you have reached the end of the road. To be honest, his attitude towards his children would probably be a deal breaker for me. Even when my DH and myself have had difficult periods in our relationship, he has always been a loving and involved dad. Sometimes that's been his saving grace! Don't feel that you have to justify to anyone why you want to end the relationship - only you know how you feel.

We got on well before and he wasn't so negative. I guess he has always found it hard to adapt to things going wrong but that didn't really happen as much pre kids. He always seemed caring and considerate. Now he mostly only cares about himself. We still get on well on a superficial level but like you say I can't square that with his attitude towards the kids, it's like constant cognitive dissonance. But then sometimes he'll be really great with them for a day or 2 and I think maybe things will be better and then it goes worse again. I do think if he only saw them once a week they might see more of his best side as he would probably make the effort

OP posts:
Dreamlifeyears · 05/07/2024 23:25

Sounds like my marriage. My ex who I thought was lovely and kind but a bit lazy over the years became mostly lazy in every single aspect of life. I can't even describe it. It was always all my fault though as someone who does nothing (about anything) can always come back to say what have I done wrong.

I drove myself nuts mostly trying to do everything, including being the higher earner and then having to pick up all the slack at home, then getting mentally and physically sick trying to get through to him. I carried a lot of anger, frustration and had no time or effort for anyone or anything. I neglected my friends, family and my own wellbeing trying to engineer every single thing in our lives and build a family with someone who wasn't that interested.

We separated when DD was a toddler. I haven't looked back but still stuck in limbo as he has never talked about divorce and I have given up getting through to him. He acts like we were never married.

It's very very bad for kids to grow up in a toxic home. I really suggest you try and talk to family and friends. I never did and I regret this. Take your time and there's no need to rush yourself into any sort of decisions.

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