Is this a good enough reason to split up?

[DinosaurWhizz]

I want to split with my partner of 9 years, we have a 3 and 4 year old together.
Reasons are as follows:
Constant negative attitude about everything, nothing is any fun, no future plans. Won't commit to buying a house. Constantly leaves shoes, clothes, empty food wrappers lying around yet gets annoyed if anyone else does.
Any infrequent family days out or holidays are always spoiled by his being silent and moody and telling the children off
Spends all his spare time doing his hobby (which I don't mind to an extent but he still moans he doesn't get enough time for it) like 2 whole days each week. I have had a total of 3 days to myself in 4 years.
Says there's nothing else he wants to do in life except said hobby
Doesn't like celebrating kids birthdays or want them to have their friends round
When at home he basically spends 95% of his time staring morosely at his phone. He does cook 6 days a week but often beige freezer food.
His attitude to the children is way off, he won't comfort them, can't cope with any crying, the relationship has to be on his terms. Won't speak to them if he's in a mood, children get upset. Begrudgingly he did put them to bed one day a week for a while but he does such a half arsed job . E.g. doesn't put clothes on the 2 year old, last time he had just a pyjama top around his neck, his arms weren't even in the sleeves.
He's rude to his own family (who are nice) and has no friends
Our relationship was good before kids but I'm increasingly realising he is selfish and arrogant.
He however doesn't want to split up.

Discussing this with a friend earlier who responded "you got his sperm, you've got your kids and now you don't need him anymore". I obviously hadn't told him all this list but is this really how it appears? Partner and I have had several conversations and he will slightly improve each time for a while but I have just had enough now. Feel like I am being sucked down into this joyless existence and am constantly surprised by friends doing things like going on holiday abroad or moving house, as these things now seem so difficult!

Should I stay and try again to make it work for the kids? Or is it ok to give up?

Thank you. I avoided talking to many people about the problems so far as I didn't want them to then hate him which they probably would just because of the way he is with the children. The ones I have spoken to just don't seem to think it's that bad.

At least we aren't married

My older child is picking up on dad's attitude being abnormal. We know several other families with loving, involved dads and the contrast is quite obvious

He sounds like my ex.
Our child was 4 at the time. I’d had enough. He did something minor which turned out to be the nail in the coffin for me. I ended things and it turned out to be the best decision I ever made.
I have been happier completely single than with him. I think back to all the years of misery and loneliness, all I can say is there’s absolutely nothing I regret. I enjoy my child more now.
As it happens, I’ve also met the love of my life since. I couldn’t have had this happiness now if I’d decided to stick with the ‘safe option’.

It's so hard isn't it. Sorry you are going through this. I went into a complete crisis and didn't have anyone to turn to when my marriage was crumbling and over. It was the hardest time ever. Nobody knows what goes on in a relationship but I do wish I spoke to family about it to give me some perspective. On many levels I regret this a lot. I did see a counsellor but I don't think that helped me.

Is there a way of taking a break from him and getting a bit of distance and perspective?

Oh and also, he’s a much better dad now. Me leaving him gave him the shock he needed to pull himself together. He’s made it clear that he regrets his behaviour before. I’m not saying it always goes that way, but this was a man who didn’t bother turning up to his son’s 4th birthday tea party (stayed in his ‘wfh office’ upstairs after work while the party was downstairs).

Don’t get me wrong, the first 6 months were hell. It was worth it in the end.

I think the title of your thread should be "Is this a good reason to stay?"
Points in his favour -
He'll throw chicken nuggets in the oven and call it dinner
He's the father of my children (biologically only because he does F All for them)
He used to be nice
He doesn't want to break up (because I run around after him like a slave)

I would say any of the individual points you mentioned are reasons to break up. You say you're staying for the kids' sake. You need to throw him out for the kids' sake. They do not deserve to be treated like that

I think you have plenty of reasons to leave- this is not a functioning relationship and I agree with the previous comment about it being a terrible atmosphere for you and the kids to live in.

I assume you've tried to have a heart to heart about the situation with him- what is his response?

This made me laugh!

Same with parties. He's only been to one of my kids parties - avoided all the others.

He won't go anywhere else to give us a break. He works locally and has no friends so no weekends away for him. (Actually before kids he did go on holiday alone and did have a few friends so that shows how things have changed...we moved house just before 1st child and covid although 30.mins away so not too far to still see friends) I do frequently take the kids away for a weekend or few days without him and it's always nice but that isn't real life of course. He is always even more miserable when we get back.

I got about half way through your post, OP. You must be miserable living with all that. Of course, you can leave him...

If your kids have noticed then you need to act.

Otherwise they grow up thinking this type of relationship is normal, and that's clearly not what you want or what you'd wish for them either.

Model that self respect and high standards and leave. He sounds like an anchor you're dragging through your life needlessly.

So what if he's diagnosed with something. Doesn't mean that people need to give up their entire lives of being happy just to put up with it. Your children deserve much more and so do you.

Justifies his actions "the children wound me up I can't cope with the noise" gets defensive or makes really bizarre excuses.

Will agree to something in terms of practical help but then generally doesn't do it.

About 2 years ago he was using physical punishment - in his words a gentle tap , but not acceptable to me. He doesn't do this any more after I repeatedly pulled him up on it. He then progressed to shouting, aggressively and loudly for minor things. He no longer does that either but will still use quite an aggressive tone for no reason. I get that he's improved his behaviour but his underlying attitude hasn't changed. Neither of the children want to sit next to him at the table.

If I had any backbone I would have left 2 years ago. I naively thought it was just parenting differences, or the effects of his own upbringing. He does have times when he's better - obviously I am only saying the bad stuff here

Following your update, I think you should leave. He's being verbally and physically aggressive. If that isn't enough, his attitude shows that he doesn't want to or intend to change. Your children sound terrified of him.

Please seek the support of friends and family and leave as soon as you can.

I couldn't get past the misogynistic comment made by your "friend".

You can split up with him for any bloody reason you want. Doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants, what do YOU want?

The ‘friend’ you discussed this with needs kicking to the kerb along with the partner.

You and your children deserve better than this and it sounds like they’re already picking up on his attitude and it will be creating a horrible home environment for them. You would all be happier without him there.

Nah. This is just creating yet another thing to become the OP’s problem which he will moan about. He clearly isn’t willing to compromise.

A previous poster summed it up. Life is too short to expect children to grow up in a hostile and fraught environment.

Fuck him off.

Your friend sounds like a cunt, for a start.

You can split for any reason, and living in a miserable home with someone who contributes the absolute bare minimum is as valid as anything else.