Early retirement hubby and I hate it

Formbyshopping · 2024-07-05T18:04:27+00:00

My late fifty year old hubby has now taken early (too early) retirement this month, and I feel well.. awful I know that most people would consider me lucky , we have a large mortgage free house and a good income, I work part time , but for fun not money so all things are on the face of it great. My DH has now decided that he will be golfing ( a lot more ..) Im feeling so lonely and sad even though I have lovely friends ect I feel like my role is very different now and I well hate it, early days yetI know , but Im dreading the endless ‘pottering’ and awaiting Grandkids i just want for our old life to continue for a while longer

sesquipedalian · 05/07/2024 19:08

So what exactly is it of your “old life” before retirement that you miss? Surely if he is off golfing, it’s the same as if he was out at work. I don’t see why it’s making you feel “lonely and sad” - why can’t you live your life the same way that you did before he retired?

Runnerinthenight · 05/07/2024 19:09

I can't see what difference it makes.

Charlotte120221 · 05/07/2024 19:10

Why is him retiring and playing more golf making you feel lonely?

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/07/2024 19:11

I think you both need to communicate better and establish what you each want your “new life” to look like. If he doesn’t want to spend any of his free time with you, that needs some exploration and some honest talk from you both: you aren’t “lucky” if your husband now has the option to do more or less whatever he wants but would rather be anywhere else whenever he can than in your company.

Useruserdoubleuser · 05/07/2024 19:15

What’s annoying? Him being around on your days off? How old are you? Are you used to him being out and having a big job? Do you not like the image of yourselves as a comfortable middle aged couple with golfing etc?

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/07/2024 19:16

Charlotte120221 · 05/07/2024 19:10

Why is him retiring and playing more golf making you feel lonely?

I think many of us would feel lonely if we previously felt we had a good relationship, but our spouse who now had an extra 50-plus hours a week had automatically earmarked them for a hobby with his mates without discussion. DH and I plan to retire early, and whilst that means we’ll both have more time to devote to hobbies and friends, we’ve also both been very clear that we can’t wait to just hang out with each other more!

AFmammaG · 05/07/2024 19:20

My DH wants to take early retirement and I’m trying to talk him out of him. I don’t think it’s healthy to retire in your 50s. All that time of finding things to do. I think it narrows your world and affects your social skills and to some extent your physical health. I don’t think YABU OP.

Butchyrestingface · 05/07/2024 19:21

What material difference does it make to your life whether he goes out to work 9-5 in an office versus to play golf? Bit confused.

BeaRF75 · 05/07/2024 19:22

My husband retired in his late 50s, and we both love it.
He has loads of hobbies, so is often out or away - I'm so happy for him that he now has time to do this.
I work part-time, volunteer, and have my own interests and trips away.
We do some holidays & things together, but we have never relied on each other for company - time apart is just as valuable as time together.
Also, don't assume there will be grandchildren - that's not fair on your kids, and you can't live your life thru them or thru your husband, OP. You live your life for you.

Despair1 · 05/07/2024 19:23

Hi OP, like the other people who have responded, I am unsure what exactly you hate so much that's changed? Is it because you have less time on your own at home? Time that you have savoured? Your husband has every right to retire and enjoy time on the golf course. You are extremely fortunate to only have to work for fun and you have no financial worries. You need to build on that and reframe your thinking to accommodate the change in the dynamics of your relationship as a result of your husband retiring. I don't mean to sound harsh but retirement brings huge changes for relationships and significant readjustment.
Wishing you well

BotterMon · 05/07/2024 19:43

Well if you want to spend more time with him, give up your job and travel the world as you appear to have the income to be able to do so and don't need the money from your job. If you are working albeit part-time what do you expect him to do? If he's playing golf while you are working what's the issue? Your OP doesn't really make much sense.

Trytobekinder · 05/07/2024 19:50

My retired 62 year old husband plays golf three days a week. I am still working fulltime, It doesn't bother me because he never plays at the weekend.

Original poster

Formbyshopping · 05/07/2024 19:51

BotterMon · 05/07/2024 19:43

Well if you want to spend more time with him, give up your job and travel the world as you appear to have the income to be able to do so and don't need the money from your job. If you are working albeit part-time what do you expect him to do? If he's playing golf while you are working what's the issue? Your OP doesn't really make much sense.

I think perhaps my OP didnt explain how very happy we are / were as a couple, both having chats about work, looking forward to holidays and breaks, I now dont have those days, I have days talking about how many off par he was ect, I think working life means you both have something to chat about and feel like part of a functioning member of society
I just dont feel Im ready to retire as its very easy to just join in with the ‘ general pottering ‘ and fade away
working is much more than income for me

OP posts:

Clariana · 05/07/2024 19:55

Yep, I'm totally with you OP. My husband retired 10 years ago in his mid 50's. He is 7 years older than me and I am still working part time, just cannot imagine having no purpose!

Coffeerum · 05/07/2024 19:57

So you are happy to work part time and have a large amount of free “pottering about” time in the week, but you want your husband to continue to work in his FT job because it makes you feel old that he’s retired?

Sunnydiary · 05/07/2024 19:59

Coffeerum · 05/07/2024 19:57

So you are happy to work part time and have a large amount of free “pottering about” time in the week, but you want your husband to continue to work in his FT job because it makes you feel old that he’s retired?

Yeah I don’t get it either…

Coffeerum · 05/07/2024 20:00

I think perhaps my OP didnt explain how very happy we are / were as a couple, both having chats about work, looking forward to holidays and breaks, I now dont have those days, I have days talking about how many off par he was ect, I think working life means you both have something to chat about and feel like part of a functioning member of society

This is even worse.
Literally work is the only difference. He can still discuss interests, holiday plans, aspirations.
Imagine a DH said this about his wife who wanted to take time out to look after their children, how he doesn’t feel he can have any meaningful conversations with her anymore as she’s not a functioning member of society without continual paid employment.

LoveWine123 · 05/07/2024 20:00

Formbyshopping · 05/07/2024 19:51

I think perhaps my OP didnt explain how very happy we are / were as a couple, both having chats about work, looking forward to holidays and breaks, I now dont have those days, I have days talking about how many off par he was ect, I think working life means you both have something to chat about and feel like part of a functioning member of society
I just dont feel Im ready to retire as its very easy to just join in with the ‘ general pottering ‘ and fade away
working is much more than income for me

Show quote history

But nobody is stopping you from working and feeling like a functioning member of society. How is this impacted by your husband’s retirement? I’m really struggling to understand what you are unhappy about to be honest.

Coffeerum · 05/07/2024 20:02

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/07/2024 19:16

I think many of us would feel lonely if we previously felt we had a good relationship, but our spouse who now had an extra 50-plus hours a week had automatically earmarked them for a hobby with his mates without discussion. DH and I plan to retire early, and whilst that means we’ll both have more time to devote to hobbies and friends, we’ve also both been very clear that we can’t wait to just hang out with each other more!

Edited

Show quote history

But he wouldn’t have to wait more if OP wasn’t just working part time. He now has an extra 50 hours a week to do whatever he wants, but OP has had 25hr or whatever it is on her part time schedule to do what she wanted and the DH didn’t get this. So what’s the difference really?

MissingKitty · 05/07/2024 20:03

I don’t get it, you haven’t retired have you? Surely you can still talk about your job and how your days been. Do you just find him boring now he’s retired? Why can’t you still look forward to trips away?

thedevilinablackdress · 05/07/2024 20:04

You need to find different things to talk about. My DH took early retirement and, yes I do get more bike (not golf) chat than I used to from him, but he was never keen on either of us spending much time talking about work. So we always talked about other things. On the plus side, he does much more of the housework and cooking than I do now. Find the positives in the change.
It's been great for him, no getting bored not working, and apart from occasionally feeling a little envious, it's been great for me.

Hopealong · 05/07/2024 20:04

AFmammaG · 05/07/2024 19:20

My DH wants to take early retirement and I’m trying to talk him out of him. I don’t think it’s healthy to retire in your 50s. All that time of finding things to do. I think it narrows your world and affects your social skills and to some extent your physical health. I don’t think YABU OP.

There is more to life than work and retiring in your fifties often means you have the fitness and energy to do/try other things.
My husband and I left work when we were 56. We moved to Southern Europe, are renovating a property and have a holiday rental property that we manage.
My husband plays golf, I have taken up other hobbies. We are very busy with our new lifes and have endless things to discuss that are far more interesting than work.
Absolutely zero regrets, embrace the change.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2024 20:07

Clariana · 05/07/2024 19:55

Yep, I'm totally with you OP. My husband retired 10 years ago in his mid 50's. He is 7 years older than me and I am still working part time, just cannot imagine having no purpose!

Because someone doesn't work they have no purpose?

Anewuser · 05/07/2024 20:09

You sound like one of those couples that sit opposite each other in the restaurant, with nothing to talk about.

The bloke’s done well to work all his life and be financially secure now. You’d rather he worked himself into the ground so you can ‘potter’ about.

I’m sure you can think of other subjects to talk about: family, friends, politics, TV, books, music, holidays etc.

Enjoy your job and let him enjoy his golf.

Charlotte120221 · 05/07/2024 20:12

OP so you feel lonely because rather than talking to you about his work he can now only talk about golf?

if you’re happy working part time then surely you can still talk about your holidays? And possibly find some joint interests?

or do you honestly want him
yo go back to work as you felt more connected to him when he worked?!