Early retirement hubby and I hate it

[Formbyshopping]

My late fifty year old hubby has now taken early (too early) retirement this month, and I feel well.. awful
I know that most people would consider me lucky , we have a large mortgage free house and a good income, I work part time , but for fun not money so all things are on the face of it great.
My DH has now decided that he will be golfing ( a lot more ..) Im feeling so lonely and sad even though I have lovely friends ect I feel like my role is very different now and I well hate it, early days yetI know , but Im dreading the endless ‘pottering’ and awaiting Grandkids
i just want for our old life to continue for a while longer

Many people would disagree. Especially about physical health. I do much more walking and exercise when I'm not at work. I have a long list if things I would like to get involved with when I retire. Hopefully in my late 50's!

That still doesn’t make much sense. There are so many things to talk about and do besides work. I think good for him retiring early, so he can enjoy his hobbies & hopefully get fitter and healthier. Why should he carry on working because you feel lonely?

You need to develop your own hobbies & interests. The couples I know who have retired early are off travelling, enjoying life & looking great on it!

When I worked full time for 30 plus years I always thought that I'd love retirement.

However, when Covid struck and I lost my job and was out of work for 2 years, I came to the realisation that at 57 I am not ready to retire, love being around people and going out.

I do temp contracts now (office based work) and I also do casual work in the evenings in events as a hostess in an Arts environment and I love it! It you like meeting and making small talk with people then it's perfect!

I'll probably do some sort of volunteering when I finally do retire.

What a weird perspective to only value/admire when people contribute to society in a visible way.
The guy is not a drain on society, his leisure activities keep others in employment. His stress levels are probably way down since his retirement which is good for his health so he doesn't need to trouble his GP. Etc etc

If you and hubby have a day off together go and visit family or have a lunch out in somewhere different.

I do kind of get it OP. You DH is in the Retired lane and his days are filled with self indulgence now, whereas you used to buzz off both having a common experience of contributing, a bit of pressure maybe, a sense of work hard play hard. My DP is mid 60s and semi retired - he does some sessions at work, but two existing voluntary roles in organisations have massively expanded as well as a hobby (allotment) and there's always a story to tell. I still work full time in a demanding role. I don't like myself for thinking this, but I would not respect him if his life was given over entirely to pleasure. But your DH deserves this, if this is his reward for years in a big job, and I'd try and enjoy it vicariously, I think you'll adapt to a different pace but it will take time.

Do you feel that you previously had a certain status due to your husband's job OP? Because you don't sound like you're particularly career oriented yourself. Surely you must have talked about things other than his work during your marriage. Can't you continue to talk about those other things?

It sounds as though you find the retired version of your husband less attractive? Perhaps you enjoyed the buzz of talking about work, the motivation to achieve goals, whereas now he doesn’t seem to have much input conversation wise that interests you. I know a lot of women who just expect their husbands to carry on keeping them in the manner they have come to expect- whilst they themselves just potter

It depends on whether a person sees purpose in doing other things, then just working. Having time to do what one wants, and being able to indulge in a hobby/ hobbies, does not sound like having no purpose to me! Just as well we are not all the same.

I agree. There are plenty of things that can give purpose to life other than work. It’s very narrow minded to think otherwise. I have retired friends who volunteer with animal rescues, work on their fitness daily, play in orchestra’s/bands, follow their sports team around the country. All of these things give them purpose.

Do you mean he now has nothing interesting to talk about, apart from golf?

If thats the case, ask him to buck his discussion ideas up

It depends on the individual & what activities they do.

at least you can choice who you socialise with rather than work where you have to be with people you might not choose to be spending time.

There are many things in the world that are more purposeful than a lot of jobs.

I’m 59 and according to our financial advisor not due to retire till 2032. I work in IT which involves a lot of lifting of kit which wipes me out. Can cope with the software stuff. Would retire tomorrow if someone said I could I have a lot of fabric and wool that needs attending to.

This makes me sad ,my dh works long hours in his job and there's no way he can retire late 50s and I'd absolutely love him to be able to as such long rotating shifts aren't good for a person's health. You should be happy he's retired and can enjoy his time away from work .

Good God! You don’t cease to have a purpose because you don’t work.

Have you no imagination?

Since we retired ten years ago in our early 50s DH and I have volunteered for Shelter, environmental charities and the National Trust. We've traveled, camping all over Britain, renovated three houses, learned a foreign language, studied, started a successful little side hustle business that is related to one of our hobbies. We've just learned how to do dry stone walling to work on our latest property. We walk at least weekly in the hills, swim daily in the sea, ride our bikes everywhere and tend our garden.

We never stop talking and are fitter, more social and have more interesting days as retired 60 year olds than we ever did whilst we worked (in jobs we both enjoyed).

The idea that work is the be all and end all and that retirement is bad for you is something put about to keep people with their nose to the grindstone.

OP - it sounds like you are very status driven. Not materialistically status driven but social status. That work isn’t about money or the things it can buy you, the purpose for work for you is the social positioning, the importance of your work.

you are perhaps the sort of person who faced with a better job title with the same money or a pay rise with a lower prestige title would take the better job title. The person who’d go for the promotion that doesn’t have more money in order to say you have reached x level or had y role.

it’s not a terrible thing as such, and generally better than people who are all about the money, you find lots of these people in the public sector.

but it could be a lot of your attraction to your dh was wrapped up in his career status. He was important and you value being useful and important. So it’s hardly surprising you don’t like this new “low status” version of your dh.

you need to get to know your dh, not the [insert his old job title] person you were with. What about you? What would your personality look like if your job was removed from it? Who are you besides whatever job you have?

A few of my mates dads are still going strong in their 80’s and they retired at 50.

I totally agree.... although I've not worked for 6 years since having my youngest 2 DC, and also after having a head injury and post concussion syndrome a decade ago too.

However, in some ways, by only being a SAHM (and I should probably say "only"), I've felt the lack of work has made me feel less useful. Obviously, I have been looking after my children and contributed valuable resources to the family in this respect, but I did have a good career before ill health, which I guess defined me in some ways. I'd very much associated my job with my sense of self, but I'd not judge anyone as being useless if they didn't have a job because of ill health or retirement etc.

I retired at 55 last Christmas, I've learnt to swim. Cycle to explore the local countryside. Have time to do the jobs we've talked about for years like building a concrete base and moving the hen house. I'm building a garden wall in a couple of weeks.
We are going to buy a motor home in the next few months and explore the uk...places we've talked about going for years.
It's the best thing I've ever done. My wife still works so I have me cleaning Rota today bathrooms, an extra wash and planted the plants she bought yesterday.
I've a little part time job on a very casual basis which gives me pocket money and pays for treats like the plants, meals out etc.
I'm exercising more, I work out daily, walk and so hopefully live a little longer

So, you want your husband to continue to work, even though he doesn't need to, just so there is no change to your life

I think you are being a tad selfish.

I retired a year ago at 64. I have far more purpose in my life now that I did over almost 50 years of working. Don't talk such nonsense. Cannot imagine how a person can think that going to work is the only purpose in life!

So many people do see their job as their life purpose and make what they do for a job a big part of their identity, and it can be hard for them to retire.

but not everyone does see their job as the majority of who they are.

For those who do see their job as their identity, you are making the same mistake as people (usually women) who make their whole identity as being a parent and then don’t cope well with their children growing up and moving away. Try to build your idea of self worth and identity as something other than just your job.

My parents retired early and spent the 1st few years doing hobbies and traveling. As they settled into life this has expanded to grandkids, volunteering and different hobbies. They still chat a lot it's just different so more what so and so said at X group or where to go on holiday next.

I would give it time and see how the golf goes maybe drop some hints about taking up a hobby together if it becomes too much for you.