To think I should start getting angry more?

[hello1111]

I’m outwardly a very polite, quiet and reserved woman in my late 30’s. I believe I’m a people pleaser and often put up with crappy behaviour with a big smile on my face. Even rude service I smile back and think they must be having a bad day and try to put myself in their shoes (A phrase my mum and teachers often said to me growing up).

I know many on mumsnet will try to twist this but I need to be clear I am not a “chatty” person I was just trying to make polite small talk till the event started then I would have stopped talking :

At a school event today for the entire school (primary) i attended and ended up sitting next to a lady I didn’t know. I politely said hello with a smile and she said hello and she made chit chat with people behind about how her son is performing something. I asked her (after her conversation was ended in case someone said I butted in) what year her child is in and she got really weird! I stopped talking to her and focused on getting my phone ready to take pics for the event. Coming home I feel really angry as I was just making small talk and she was acting like I’m planning a kidnap operation of her child! I wish I had said something to her. How would you have responded? I want to get rid of this nicely nicely persona I have. I hate myself for sitting there whilst she was being arsey to me for no reason.

How do you respond to arsey behaviour and attitude?

How did she get “really weird”?

Maybe instead of angry you could aim for sarcastic and sneery....it's probably less of a leap for a people pleaser than to go straight to anger !

It’s her issue. It’s was a ridiculous way to respond to an innocent question from another parent. I wouldn’t have wasted my breath on saying anything.

She kind of scowled at me! And said “why?” I said my daughter is is year 3 I thought they might be in same year (2 form entry so I only know one class). Event started then. I was a little shocked actually as it was really aggressive I felt.

That is not something to get angry about… maybe pick your battles better?

I wonder if you've met before and she assumed that you remember her? Then is turned out that you hadn't?

Maybe you could have said

"I don't actually care, I'm just making chit chat" big smile, turn your back

Well, you randomly asked a follow on question of a complete stranger after listening to her conversation - perhaps she doesn't want to talk to strangers. Perhaps she found you too intense. Perhaps she's got selective mutism. Perhaps she found it a weird intrusion.

In any case, not a situation to get shirty in.

No I’ve never met her before. I have an excellent memory for faces and if that was true she could have mentioned it. So you (non-people pleasers) would have just ignored? That’s interesting I always thought people would respond back and it was just me being a coward not responding.

I think anger is an overreaction here

By being “angry” that’s exactly what I meant! I wish I could have said that.

sorry I think I didn’t write my op clearly - I don’t mean angry as in start throwing chairs at her lol! I meant be more assertive but with a tone like “ I actually don’t give a crap who your kid is I was just making small talk” without the crap obviously

I think it’s worth saying something (not necessarily getting angry as that’s quite a strong response) if people are trying to take advantage of you for example. But if someone is just being an asshole, I don’t always find it’s worth stooping to their level.

And I agree she was rude..but I'd say at the school gate, exercise caution. You may have to see these women many more times and they might know someone who knows someone who gossips that you were rude and before you know it, they're all against you.

Are you okay? I would have asked the question to anyone I was sat next to and I successfully did to the person on my left and she didn’t react like that. Is that how you react to polite conversation?

No, but it's how she reacted specifically to you and your actual question.

Good advice!

I think the appropriate thing was to ignore, as you did. Who knows what her issue was.

Watch out for overcorrection OP!

Maybe she thought you were really rude because it seemed you were listening to her conversation and then joining in.

Maybe she just wasn't in the mood for boring small talk with some random, was polite enough with people she knew but didn't want to have to carry on with a stranger.

Agree with others, the best reaction was ignore her, which you did.

Often ignoring people and silence is the best option. Why waste your energy getting angry and annoyed about this nonsense when you can just let it go?!

I've found that a good tip though for being more assertive in difficult situations is to take out all emotion just stick to the facts.
'I asked for this, not that'
'I've not received what I ordered'
'This isn't what I ordered'

If someone makes a smart arse dig or put down, ask them to repeat it. That's my favourite one.

You don't need to be an arsehole to be assertive.

@Brandonsflowers really good advice! Thank you. So make it factual. Would you use any emotion or just state it?

have you always been confident or is it a skill you’ve developed? If so how?

Very interesting responses. I'm a people pleaser just like you OP and this is absolutely a situation I'd have said ignored it like a deer in headlights but would assume most people would have "said something" to call her out on her rudeness. Not anything crazy but just sort of defending themselves in an assertive way.

Evidently that's not the case!

I do think she was being very rude though. Your question was totally innocent and normal.

If she wasn't in the mood for chat she could have just said "year 3" politely and turned back away without asking you any questions in return. I am guessing it would very quickly have become apparent she wasn't interested in a chat but without the aggressive "why?" as if you're some sort of kidnapper.

@RinsedIfOwned exactly! I wouldn’t have carried on talking to her! I would have sensed she’s not up for talking and left it. I am also suprised as I would have expected most people to start a fight with her.

I think the issue is that this scenario doesn't fit the question. Nothing to be angry about. Nothing to respond in a snarky way about either.

The thing is, you don't have the right to that information whereas she has every right to choose what information she discloses about her child and to whom. It's not rude. Maybe not polite, but not rude.

I think a lot of people that see it that way are people pleasers too so would never do anything like that because it's not nice or kind or polite.

Maybe instead of getting angry, start with reaffirming that you don't owe anyone your time, or answers or anything like that, especially complete strangers. Baby steps.

You have a very skewed view of what not being a people pleaser is.