AIBU to ask for reimbursement for hotel after my mother cancelled trip and arrangements last minute?

[Cocolebombom]

Last year I was contacted to perform eight hours away at a family friendly festival this summer. Because of our family business my husband and I can't usually take trips at the same time it's difficult and too expensive to have holidays away together. My mother lives near this festival so I asked if she wanted to meet me and my daughter there for a holiday and I negotiated extra nights accomodation in a family room when she confirmed. I checked again last month if she was still available and was looking forward to it.

Yesterday she messaged saying she forgot she had agreed to go on a trip with one of her female friends and could no longer go. I feel really let down as we'd been telling our daughter about the trip and we were planning to stay at my mum's for a week before- a much needed break away for me too. I can't take my daughter now as there'll be noone to watch her so I find myself tied into playing a festival ages away alone (I wouldn't have agreed had we not planned it as a family trip together) and I am out of pocket as some of my fee was negotiated (deducted) for the larger room and extra nights. I also have used up annual leave to attend as I also have a day job.

My mother won't cancel the trip to another UK city with her friend because "she's already paid" AIBU to ask her to shoulder the difference in pay due to the accommodation booking that is no longer needed?

Some PPs being rather extreme, not least suggesting you go NC.
However she has let you down and should definitely be paying for the room.

I love this. At Christmas, I’d tell her I deducted what she cost me and cba to reimburse me from the cost of her gift

honestly , it’s the worst. My mil is the same. Something else always trumps family arrangement, even when you’ve asked months ago and have been confirming regularly… we now say ‘we are doing xyz, do you fancy coming? It will be ££.’ So she has to pay for her share. Then if she doesn’t turn up, the financial loss is not on you. Most recently she offered to look after our pet whilst we went away for a couple of days. I booked a person straight away anyway… mil cancelled 48 hours later, asking me if it was okay if she went away for a week 🤷‍♀️ she’ll never change. I would tell your mother that you expect to be reimbursed for the financial loss. So sorry 😔

What are you on about?

How much money are you out of pocket? Also, how long are you performing for that your DD can’t sit and watch you unless your DM is with her? You say it’s a family friendly festival, so I’m certain your DD would be ok sat at the back of the stage!
It’s a bit sad that you can take a week off work to visit your DM but can’t take time off as a family.

Your mother has behaved poorly...however you talked in your post about convenience and logistics and looking after your daughter, and then about the money.

I do wonder if your conversations with your mum were similar and maybe she felt that her going along was to be convenient childcare for you, and that she didn't get a sense that you were looking forward to the trip with her and wanted to spend time with her and your daughter all together?

As parents we want our adult kids to love us and want to spend time with us, and we can often instead just be regarded as a resource to utilise. If so your mother still behaved poorly, but maybe she felt unappreciated so chose the other trip.

Regarding the money, can you ask to have your room downgraded to a normal room and the original dates so you have a lesser deduction?

And cancel the extra annual leave you booked off?

If not then lay it out for your mum and say that the booking can't be amended, and it has left you x amount out of pocket plus you've used annual leave to go somewhere you wouldn't have gone if you didn't have it booked as a mini trip with her.

I think you need to be clear that she has let you down and it's not just about the money, but thekmey is x amount. And give her the chance to offer to make it up to you somehow.

Because there are other things in the background here -losing holiday time, not getting the mini break you need at your mum's the week before etc - but you are focussing on the money. I suspect the money is shorthand for something more emotional.

Sounds like something my mom would do and she’s a stone cold narcissist.

I’m fascinated OP, you can’t be in the UK talking about 10 hour drives, where are you? Also, are you famous?

Oh man yes this is like my mother. She says one thing and does another. She's also started saying she will come and visit for certain dates and then it always changes- turns up earlier or leaves earlier leaving us with things we've booked going to waste- it doesn't matter if I explain I work full time and have arranged leave for her visit. It's confusing because she's generous with her time historically. Maybe she's just got to the age where she feels she's put herself out there for her kids and she wants to live a little for herself. That's fine but the annoying part is they agree to stuff/commit and then let you down. The pet sitting sounds a nightmare!

I think so sadly! My husband thinks she's embarrassed about the mistake and potentially the memory/confusion and it would be more embarrassing to tell friends this than us. This is reading between the lines though as she's really downplaying it but it's an absolute no from her about changing her plans despite revisiting the subject with her. I find it really hard to read situations with her as she makes me feel like I'm the monster especially having brought up the loss in money and leave so the feedback here is really helpful thank you!

I'm not sure as I was talking about all the things her and her grandkids could enjoy and she seemed to think it would be a nice trip. I never got the impression she felt used she's very blunt.

I'm guessing you haven't personally driven end to end of the country? Hahah 😂 by UK do you mean just England?

I travel a lot, drove up to Edinburgh from the south east a couple of weeks ago, it took 6 hours. There are way more potential long journeys in other countries than here!
For example I just looked up Southampton to Inverness, 9 hours 52 minutes, pretty much one end to the other in 10 hours.

doesn’t matter though, I was only curious because I have family in Arizona who think nothing of driving 8 hours to go to bingo 🤣

It doesn't sound like much of a holiday for your mum tbh.

She's hosting you for a week, then driving for two hours, then sharing a room with you at a festival where her main role is babysitting so you can perform.

Obviously, she shouldn't have said yes in the first place but I wonder whether the full facts weren't immediately apparent, or she just gradually began to dread and worry about it.

Will you cancel and lose the cost of the room, or find someone else to look after dd?

As a starting point, Southampton to Inverness is no where near the longest UK mainland road trip.

Even if it was, to turn that google maps time into an actual journey time you need to add allowance for traffic & stops. In real terms that’s a 12 hr trip with adult friendly stops, longer with child.

Your mum is totally unreasonable. Equally this sort of thing happened in my family. Depending on how much you’re being paid, Could you hire a local babysitter to cover your work time? Sitters is a national agency and we’ve used them at a hotel for a wedding before. I would really recommend you investigate them. I have no stake in the company, just really recommend them.

You are being unreasonable @EH1768 resurrecting a thread which is nearly 2 years old! 🧟‍♀️

You've done it again, are you hard of reading or obsessed by mothers and hotels