AIBU to ask for reimbursement for hotel after my mother cancelled trip and arrangements last minute?

[Cocolebombom]

Last year I was contacted to perform eight hours away at a family friendly festival this summer. Because of our family business my husband and I can't usually take trips at the same time it's difficult and too expensive to have holidays away together. My mother lives near this festival so I asked if she wanted to meet me and my daughter there for a holiday and I negotiated extra nights accomodation in a family room when she confirmed. I checked again last month if she was still available and was looking forward to it.

Yesterday she messaged saying she forgot she had agreed to go on a trip with one of her female friends and could no longer go. I feel really let down as we'd been telling our daughter about the trip and we were planning to stay at my mum's for a week before- a much needed break away for me too. I can't take my daughter now as there'll be noone to watch her so I find myself tied into playing a festival ages away alone (I wouldn't have agreed had we not planned it as a family trip together) and I am out of pocket as some of my fee was negotiated (deducted) for the larger room and extra nights. I also have used up annual leave to attend as I also have a day job.

My mother won't cancel the trip to another UK city with her friend because "she's already paid" AIBU to ask her to shoulder the difference in pay due to the accommodation booking that is no longer needed?

Yep, your mum is a selfish cow and as others have said, she's clearly ditched you for a better offer and doesn't care if that leaves you out of pocket and in a dificult position. She should stump up for the hotel costs, but she probably won't and there's not much you can do about that. Sorry, OP. I do fully understand what it's like when you've got a mum who just doesn't really care much about you or prioritise you in any way. Mine is the same. You just have to focus on your own immediate family, who do care.

Yep, I have family that do stuff like this - drives me bananas! Basically your mum has got a better offer last minute and thinks she can let you and your DD down. Obviously have to figure things out this time - try and get her to cover some of the cost. Don't rely on her again!

YANBU. Is she always so flaky and selfish?

Yanbu at all. How rude to cost someone a load of money and then tell them that 'it's always about the money with you' when you ask for it. That's so hurtful

My daughter is four and has separation anxiety ATM so only people she'll go to are my husband and my mum. Thanks for all the responses I will need to travel to gig alone and then I won't be making any plans involving childcare again with her/trips involving alone time with me as she clearly isn't up for it. I need to rule out it's not something health related with my mum's memory but even if it was that in the first instance now she's given the opportunity to rectify it she is still choosing her friend/London trip so we all know where her priorities lie. I'll just take the financial hit this time and learn from my mistake.

Hhhmmmm I see only one pointless post and it isn't from the OP.

Get the point?

I'm sorry OP. Your mum has royally screwed you. And all the suggestions I had won't work for a 4 year old.

It’s not a mistake op. I would be taking a step back from your mum. How rude of her to tell you it’s all about money with you.

So your Mum's happy for you to be out of pocket, but not her friend? Blimey. Tells you all you need to know doesn't it? :/

Has she done this on purpose OP...? Is she jealous of your performance?
It sounds like she's sabotaging you tbh.

What a nightmare. Buy her a calendar for Xmas.

Your mum is very uncaring and selfish. I wouldn't make more plans with her.

Yes. Relatives have no more right than anyone else to pull out of arrangements which were freely entered into, leaving other people out of pocket. And why would she rather let down her daughter than her friend-assuming her story is even true?

Did your mum know from the start that she was supposed to be babysitting? “My mother lives near this festival so I asked if she wanted to meet me and my daughter there for a holiday” sounds as though she originally thought she was joining you for a holiday and has only just realised that you’re going to be working and she’s looking after your daughter, which is a different sort of trip. Cancelling last minute is still shit, but perhaps she’s being defensive about it because she feels you aren’t sad not to be seeing her but because you’ve lost the babysitting.

Rather ironic when she won’t cancel her trip because of the money she would lose

If there is ever a time when your mother wants to do anything or see her gd you can tell her you can’t afford it. You don’t want to plan and spend money and turn down work and then find out she has had a better offer at the last minute and drops you and her gd like a hot potato.

Actions have consequences

Could you still stay at your mums the week before as planned?
Couldn’t your husband take a day off to meet you there and spend time at the festival? I know you said you take holiday separately because of a business but surly any business can be closed for a few days.

@Cocolebombom Bloody hell that's awful. Does she have form for this?

I'm so sorry.

It went more like: hey mum I have a potential booking but I won't drive all that way unless you fancy coming through and watching the kid whilst I perform so she can attend. I can also potentially arrange additional accommodation if you can make it and stay a little longer if you want to make a trip of it cos the festival itself looks good family friendly fun and I know how much you like festivals and we don't get much time to see each other these days. I'll also come down earlier and stay at yours so you can have more time with your granddaughter and we can catch up too. It was plan we spoke about regularly and she confirmed at multiple points only for her to suddenly say she's double booked herself by accident.

When I say it's close my mum is 10 hours away from me and this festival is 8 hours away so it's still a drive for her and I wouldn't have booked it had she not confirmed. She could have said no from the outset and then I wouldn't have been tied in to something that is a lot of effort and time away from family that isn't something I'd do by choice. I genuinely don't know what's going on in her head.

Ours is an agricultural business we've got animals coming out of our ears so if we take leave together the animal care is more expensive than the trip itself makes it not worth the hassle. And something always gets sick when we take trips away for some reason!! Sod's law.

"oh, how disppointing! Well don't forget to transfer the cost of your room to my bank account as it's all been arranged and can't be cancelled. Do let me know if you change your mind and can come."

Not sure what you want people to say - every solution you're shooting down in flames 🤷🏻‍♀️

Either take another family member or friend with you, or your husband will have to take a couple of days off.

If you'd read the AIBU part you'd see I'm not asking for a solution: I don't see how there is one to make the trip work. However am I justified in feeling let down and to ask for the refund for expenses lost?

Your Mum has been very unkind.

Sounds like she might have dementia/memory problems and also needs reminding that you have wasted money and annual leave. Point it all out explicitly and then leave it a couple days,
she’ll probably change her mind.

That’s awful for you.
She sounds a bit selfish, was she always the sort of person who thought of herself first? Some people just suit themselves without considering the wider picture. Kind of surprised she didn’t want to spend time with her grandchild.