To think that most people wouldn’t walk away from this marriage?

[flowergirl24]

DH is 15 years older than me. I just don’t feel the same any more. He still loves me and knows that I’m unhappy but dismisses it.

We’ve got 3DC. I hate our house, hate the area and want to move away.

He is a kind man, an OK father and doesn’t really deserve all of this. But I want more from life. I don’t want another relationship. I just want to walk away from this one.

Well then maybe he should make more of an effort to help me out then. He’s not an equal partner now so I don’t understand why he thinks he can call all the shots now.

From your first post I knew there'd be more to this story than you've just gone off him. It sounds as if he's been taking the piss in the relationship on the work/children/domestic front and acting like his work is law. I am sure you have talked to him about the fact that you are unhappy - let me guess, he doesn't care?

In your shoes, if I didn't still love someone and feel that they cared about me and my happiness, I'd get out before you're saddled with looking after him in old age. You think you're resentful now? Wait till he expects you to be wiping his arse.

I feel like this but have accepted that I should have figured this shit out before children. I won't disrupt their lives just because I made some big mistakes.

Have you asked him whether he is happy, or actually told him how unhappy you are?

Unfortunately, there is no just walking away. The latter romanticises the notion of ending a marriage.

He is a kind man, an OK father and doesn’t really deserve all of this.

Nothing you’ve posted suggests this is true. I think you need to get your situation straight so you’re dealing with the reality of your situation.

Most people are fickle and don't commit for life, in this sense yes they wouldn't stay but none of what you are complaining about justifies leaving. I think it's a "You" issue and unfair to break the family because of boredom and angst. Responsibility and commitment, family values.

What are your ages? Is he retired?

What would most people do? Not sure as you haven't explained things awfully well.

Living in renovations is stressful I agree. Can you see things looking up once it's all done? Will you love the house then?

Hi

I hated my life about seven years ago. My husband was a good person in some ways but was an alcoholic and controlling and in 2018 on new year's ever I promised myself I would give my marriage one last go and if it didn't work I would end the marriage.

After about six months of his drinking and still no improvement and him once again getting us into loads of debt I did end our marriage of 15 years

Do not think for one moment this is n easy or quick fix. Fast forward to now I have moved to a new area in my dream home. With my children.

BUT this took years of hardship in between the divorce and now, I did a degree, the ex husband made my life hell for years after the divorce stalking me and making threats. I couldn't afford to keep a roof over our heads at times. I am significantly worse off on paper.

I wouldn't change a thing. My life now was worth every single moment of suffering for the peace I have now.

But it's not as easy as just upping and leaving.

He leaves all the childcare to you, isn't a present father, even though you work 60 hours a week, doesn't appear to care that you are unhappy living where you do, and won't consider moving.

What I see in a lot of age-gap relationships is a man who likes being in charge and having his way so he chooses a younger woman. This works for a while, through the small children years because she's still young and trapped. Then she starts to enter middle age, with slightly older children, and she doesn't want to be told what to do any more. He still wants to be in charge of everything and so there's a conflict.

He doesn't get to decide everything. He needs to compromise or accept there will be a split.

There are three separate issues and you seem to be lumping them all together. I think you need to work through each one in turn.

For what it's worth, I would absolutely leave a marriage where I was unhappy, working full time and paying my way and being the primary caregiver. You might find that you'd have more time and be less stressed if you have one person less to look after, live where you want to, and can do things you want to do when he has the children.

I have yet to meet a woman who has regretted leaving her marriage, in fact there are several MN threads where women share how their lives are post divorce and although a lot of them are less well off financially they all cherish the peace and fulfillment that comes with leaving a marriage that is no longer working. It is fine to do so even though we have promised to stay till death do us part, in most cases the wedding vowes have already been broken by the husbands anyway when it comes to how they should treat their wife. We only get this one life, don't sacrifice it for a man who doesn't give a damn about you. Your children will be OK even if it's sad initially.

Commiserations, OP.
I'm 45, child free, married for 20 years and no problems in marriage.
However, if I could walk away tomorrow, I would.

You get one precious life. Live it your way. I left the world didn't implode as I thought it would. Was it difficult yes, but I am 8 years happy. I always deserved to be happy, as do you.

I know I am a hell of a lot better parent because I am living my life my way. My children have gained me, the authentic me. And on balance they are in a better family situation.

Would your children need to change schools?
And are you on the mortgage for your current home, and couod you afford to keep paying your share of that plus renting in the town?

If there are no problems in your marriage, why do you want to walk away?

And why can't you?

Practical reasons.
Just wanna live on my own, that's all.
Possibly back in my country of origin.

Hi OP, very stressful and exhausting looking after 3 young children. Very stressful for relationships too? This may be contributing to your sadness. Your husband is a kind man and an OK father, that is something that cannot be taken for granted. Will you feel better when the housing project is finished? Loads of relationships go through challenging times and come out the other end. You sound like you could be depressed. Do you have any friends/community contacts/playgroups that can make you feel abit less isolated.
What would your position be if you separated? I'm not sure that is the answer.
Please take one day at a time, things can get better

Thanks for your honesty, take care