To think that most people wouldn’t walk away from this marriage?

[flowergirl24]

DH is 15 years older than me. I just don’t feel the same any more. He still loves me and knows that I’m unhappy but dismisses it.

We’ve got 3DC. I hate our house, hate the area and want to move away.

He is a kind man, an OK father and doesn’t really deserve all of this. But I want more from life. I don’t want another relationship. I just want to walk away from this one.

Ahh OP I feel for you, sounds like a few women I know who married older partners, fine when the men are in their 40s and still young and virile, but once they are 60 and you are still in your prime in your 40s you find yourself married to a boring upper middle aged man. And I know there are some men who stay vibrant no matter their age, but what I have seen in my social circles is that there is a lot of situations as the one you find yourself in.

However, as you have young children, in your position I would grit my teeth and put them first and if it is not a terrible marriage with no abuse I would do everything to keep the family unit together (even if that means you have a discreet affair or two) https://thespectator.com/topic/how-divorce-never-ends/

The divorce wasn't the issue there as much as the fact that afterwards the parents put their kids through a shitshow caused by one moving so far away that travel between the homes was completely ridiculous and neither of them providing stability - one didn't even provide food!

Had the mother moved only a short distance away and both of them got their sorry arses in gear so the kids had two secure, safe and stable homes and civility between them, the children would have fared far better.

(even if that means you have a discreet affair or two)

Oh good Lord...

If I had 3 young children, the husband wasn’t abusive and a significant source of my unhappiness was his failure to listen to and acknowledge my concerns, I’d try marriage counselling, properly, before leaving.

what's your work situation? What's your income, can you even afford to move out?

Yes, it does sound like he deserves better than being with someone who doesn't love him and hate their life.

If you move and take the kids, which you can't do because he's just as much a parent but for the sake of the argument, what do you do?

nothing stops you from sitting down and having a frank discussion, explaining that you are not happy so you want to move, have found a place, kids would go to x school and you need to discuss the parenting split and go from there.
Not having a moan, but practical solutions showing that you mean it.

So he doesn't help with the house or kids and doesn't care that you hated living in a building site or jn a small village and won't make any compromises but just insists on having his own way on everything?

What does "kind man and ok dad" mean?

If he actually was kind he would care about your happiness and you wouldn't be in this position.

You are gaslighting yourself into thinking it's your fault and it sounds like it's his.

I actually think it's the opposite and ops decided to tell us how shit he is because posters didn't immediately tell her to leave.

Of course you can leave if you want to op, but they're your joint children. He will get a say and if you can't agree the court will decide.

You absolutely can't just " take the kids with you ".
You're married. There is absolutely no reason why he couldn't have them. The courts and divorce solicitors will start at 5050

YOU don't get to decide that.
Besides, you've had enough of him, fair enough, maybe they would still like to see their dad !

@Ottervision he’s not shit at all. Sorry I am just trying to make sense of everything and sometimes mumsnet really helps with that.

He’s a good father, but not perfect. He is not an equal parent, though and that does cause resentment.

We are in desperate need of support as a couple/ family, but I don’t know where to start with that.

You need to be more precised.

You want to move away from the village, he doesn't. Why not? He might have very valid reasons, he might not.

If you are unhappy in your marriage and he is not prepared to effect the changes that will help this (ie such as moving) either seek counselling or leave and live the life you want to. Nobody has to live an unhappy existence and life is too short.

I can understand that! Could you do some therapy together or speak with a counsellor? It might be that you can resolve it. Or, it might make it clear what the real issues are and whether they can be solved or not.

I do appreciate that. But normally in a marriage there’s a primary carer. That’s currently me even though I work full time (average over 60 hours per week). I pay most of the bills, I sort childcare and do all the laundry. I assumed that I would have them most of the time.

Even if he wants them 50/50, someone still has to do all of those things. If he wants that, he’ll have to pay for half. He will not want to pay for half. I just know.

Putting kids first, very often, and seemingly in this case, would mean splitting up. Happier mum is priceless.

From what you've said op, I'm not sure why you think he's kind. What do you actually mean by that? He dismisses your opinion, leaves all the grunt work to you, and doesn't care if you're unhappy. What is kind about that?

Does he work? If he’s retired then it doesn’t matter how much you do outside of your job, legally he’d be the primary carer for your youngest child any way. You need legal advice.

I understand that you are in a situation where leaving feels like the right option. It sounds like a lot of the things you hate are situational. I think before leaving I would absolutely be trying to work on that first.
My partner was miserable in his old job and hated where we used to live. It made him hard to live with. Our house at the time was mid renovation and there was a point where I thought, "I'm not sure I can keep doing this and we can't sell the house like this"
Then he got a new job, we had our daughter and then were able to move to a new area and I have the person I love back.
You need to tell your husband exactly how you feel. That your current life make you want to separate. If that doesn't give him a kick that where you live has to work for both parties and he doesn't take your concerns on board properly maybe separating is the right decision.

Different circumstances as my sister was in a DV marriage but my nieces life has been better every single day since her parents split up. When together her dad was too focused on controlling my sisters life to be a dad and he barely saw my niece as my sister wasn't allowed in the family house at weekends. Her leaving allowed him to begin being a dad.. It isn't always the case that children do better in a marriage but I believe all avenues needed to be explored first to make sure that the marriage is the problem and leaving the solution

If you want to leave, leave. The decision is yours. Be prepared that you may end up sharing the kids, but if you can and want to - you should

Given your latest post, you pay most of the bills and are the primary carer, which is fairly important information to not include initially - what does he bring to the table?

And, in answer to your title, knowing how my life and my children's life has turned out 4 years post divorce (we are all happy and thriving), then absolutely, yes, I would walk away.

So you work FT, carry the mental load around the home & 3 children, are the primary carer for the 3 children & the primary earner.
You live in a reno project house in a small village.
Your H does what?

Yes I'd look at leaving too

I don't know what you should do, only you know that because you're the one in the situation with all the relevant information but I do know that there is no such thing as walking away and taking the kids. You've got some soul searching to do.

No matter how unhappy you are, divorce is not a silver bullet that will immediately catapult you into happiness freedom. It can make things much better and make happiness possible but it will take a hell of a lot of work. You will still be in a parenting relationship with your husband, for many years to come, your children are still quite young.

I would say, that if you feel that this marriage and set up is not doable for you for whatever reason for the long haul, don't spin it out until you finally snap when they're teenagers. The younger the better in my opinion, there's usually a sweet spot where it's possible finanancially because they're all in school but haven't hit the age where it will do the most damage.

@OolongTeaDrinker that article is horseshit, sorry, one of the first lines is my mother left my father and moved us to Minnesota with our insane step father.... that was never a tale that was going to end well, it's nothing to do with divorce, just ill thought out selfish parent choices and a couple of discreet affairs certainly falls into that category.

So you work 60 hours a week, pay most of the bills, do all the housework and most the parenting? What exactly does he think he’s bringing to the table other than laying down the rules on where and how you live? 15 years is also a pretty huge age gap. It doesn’t sound like he’d even want to kids 50/50, so I wouldn’t worry about that aspect.
Your happiness does matter, and I don’t believe it’s womens job to always put their own happiness last, but do think very carefully first as this would be a big upheaval for everyone. As a child of divorce, I also don’t think divorce has to damage kids, I found having my parents unhappily together far more upsetting and actually remember the relief I felt when they told me they were separating.

If you both could move with the kids to another house in a different area, would that change your feelings about staying in the marriage? Or are you not in love with him anymore?

I think it’s really important you understand your legal position both in terms of the children and financially before making any decisions. Very broadly (with the caveat that these things all depend on personal circumstances and aren’t entirely predictable):

1. If your husband wants 50/50 with the children he will likely get it. In this case it’s unlikely either of you would need to pay maintenance.
2. If your husband wants to prevent the children moving schools or moving a long way away there’s a significant risk he could do so. This doesn’t necessarily stop you moving but may mean keeping the children at the school they’re in or you doing most of the travel back and forwards.
3. Your assets would probably be split 50/50 or not far off that including all pensions, savings etc.

Of course your husband may not want the children that much or you may be able to reach a different agreement.

How old are you and he?