Mum favours other grand children

[Whistledown1005]

I have a DS8. Dsis has 2 children aged 3 and 4.
DM is always with them. We all live within 20 mins of each other so it's not travel that's a problem.
When DS was little we saw DM more but it does not compare to how much time and effort DM puts into Dsis children at this age.
It's all DM talks about, she will drop anything to see them or look after them.
She never did with us. She's said DS is harder not being of behaviour but because he wants to interact and talk to you. I mean wtf. Poor kid he just wants to speak to his nanny.

Today we have sports day and she's not coming. She's been every year so far. There's been a slight issue with a repair but DF is about to sort. If it was Dsis children I'd have no doubt she would be there.

Dm sees Dsis and children 6 out of 7 days usually. If she's not seeing them, Dsis is face timing or texting. Tbh their relationship is extremely unhealthy and Dsis is co dependant on her but I just feel like me and DS are the forgotten ones and she has another daughter and grandson too.

Feeling sad and alone tbh. I've always felt like that outsider of the family

Thanks for your nice post.....

Weird comment from Pp.

yanbu, this is hurtful. My inlaws are the same with ours but at least they have my parents. Have you brought it up with your mum? Pointed out how hurtful it is. Because DS will notice. My dgp on one side did the same with us and now as adults they have relationships with my cousins but literally nothing with my siblings and me, and they complain about it!

I don’t think you will be able to change this dynamic. So either accept it or distance yourself. Consider therapy for dealing with feeling like the outsider. YANBU

So what, though? You say yourself that your sister with two small children is unhealthily dependent on your mother, is continually in contact with her, sees her daily etc. You, with one 8 year old your mother has said she finds more challenging, presumably aren’t this dependent. Your mother prioritises the adult child who visibly isn’t coping over the one who is. And surely she can miss one sports day if she’s been literally every year till now, and her missing it has nothing to do with your sister and her children?

I mean, I get you’re sad your son is, as you see it, comparatively ‘overlooked’, but surely you don’t want to be so enmeshed with your mother you are continually on FaceTime and see her six days a week? I mean, this sounds more about the adults and the children.

But you say it’s unhealthy. Why do you want it then? I have the same with my kids - but im
not bothered by it - I keep the in laws at arms length. Keep them updated with what the kids are doing (videos etc) and only see them once a year - on our terms. They don’t make us a priority and they are not our priority. They don’t get a say in how I bring my children up either.

That is a shame.

She could make more effort

Can you speak to her about it

You can see that your sister has always been the favourite.
You can also see their dynamic is not healthy for your sister to be a fully developed and resilient adult.

Try to keep your focus on that and be pleased you and your kids have dodged this mess.

Imo be glad she isn't encroaching in your life as much - at your own admission it's unhealthy...

Do you think your mum feels your sister is struggling and needs more support? Perhaps she feels youre more capable and she can pull back a bit. Idk but its not nice

Because a post like that is not helpful when you are dealing with hurt and generational neglect. It is also emotional very difficult to extract yourself from.

Op needs some encouragement and comments about how others negotiates this. Not be told she is wrong. Her mother has done that Indirectly all her life.

For @Whistledown1005
It took me years to accept that my mother whom I as a child and teenager thought I was close to saw me as the scapegoat. What gave me the push was my then 4 year old daughter looking at me in the way only a child could asking to play with her. (I was making dinner we were visiting my birth country my mother had not seen my children for a year niece she saw regular)
I said I can't I'm making dinner. Why don't you ask mormor?
Dd said in that way only children can
"No, she would rather be with niece"..

I can recall thinking. "Ohh no not on my shift you dont"

We went low contact. Slowly but surely. I fostered the relationship with mil and result is now in their 20s my children speak of MIL with great love and adoration of a much loved dearly missed grandmother. My mum is rarely mentioned not missed by them they didn't know her. She didn't get to damage them. I did good by my children they grew up feeling loved and important.

OP I get it, my DD2 is second best in my mother's eyes to my DN3.
My mum has my nephew 2 days including overnight every week for my sister for free and usually one weekend day and/or night, whereas when it came to childcare for my DD she wanted £500 a month so I just put her in nursery instead. My mum has watched my DD for me a handful of times, but only for things like medical appointments. To put I to perspective, I had pneumonia when she was 8 months old and my mother didn't bother to check in on me, let alone help me with my daughter.

For those saying it's unhealthy so why do you care, in my sisters case it has become unhealthy becauseof the amount my mum does, it isn't that they once had an unhealthy dependent relationship. Their is no room for a relationship for my daughter because of this.

It makes me sad as I feel let down by my mum and I feel for my daughter who doesn't have a grandparent relationship like her cousin does but have now accepted it and have gone low contact to avoid my daughter from being hurt from this in the future.

Some odd replies on here. It's understandable and completely justified you feel the way you do. It's extremely sad for the child who isn't enjoying the same relationship with their grandparents as their cousins are. I can speak as one of those children whose grandparents bothered more with my cousin's than with me. It hurts.

Edited as I got the in-laws mixed up so comments irrelevant

Missing 1 sports day if she's attended the others isn't all bad. But if DSis is the golden child and enmeshed with your DM, you could try a calm chat with DM about how it makes you feel. Do you want a similar enmeshment in your relationship with her (sounds unhealthy tbf) or do you think your DSis feels in competition with you over DMs affections, or is it her needing more support than you because she has 2 DC? How does DM respond if you call her out on it? DMs only really got a few years before your DC becomes a teenager and will just want to be with his mates, not older relatives, so she's missing the opportunity to bond with him.
How does your DF fit in with this? Does your DF spend time with your son - maybe a joint interest?

This kind of situation was developing with my in-laws, we couldn't visit them without SiL and her children turning up, every single time. I was getting pissed off that our DC never saw their GP without their cousins being there.
Eventually, I told my PiL that sometimes we would like to visit, just us, so that they could spend time with our DC to build a relationship with them.
They hadn't really thought about this, but once they had they were quite happy to change things.
Perhaps as your DC gets older, your DM might enjoy chatting to your DC.
Try talking to her about how you feel.

My son hardly sees anything of his grandparents (they’re not interested) so it sounds like you have more involvement and support than some. Is your sister a bit too dependent on your Mum perhaps because 6 out of 7 days is a wild amount of involvement in their family life?

I have this with my dad. Sister was his favourite child (he'd deny this) so naturally her daughter is also his favourite.
My two and niece are all teenagers now (other grandchildren are in their 20s) and of course they've all noticed and aren't terribly happy about it.
Having said that, is your mum just better with younger children? Only ask as I had DS 4 years ago and my dad seems loads more involved with him so perhaps he's just better with younger children (or perhaps it's because DS is non verbal so doesn't answer back).
Of course it hurts and children do notice. Try to distance a bit and if one day your son says he doesn't want to see his grandmother then back him up. Why should he bother if she doesn't? Unfortunately this has happened with both my nephews who barely see my dad now but then who can blame them?

My mother kept comparing my children to my sister's children unfavourably to me . My mother did this to us as children. She now plays the helpless old lady and now has her grown up grandson, my son running round after her despite favouring the other grandchildren when they were small .

I Also think she has been putting things in my kids heads about me as they sometimes come out with critical things about me using her phraseology. I think that the penny is slowly dropping and they are starting to see my mother in her true light . My son's wife has I think . I've said nothing . I've let them figure her out for themselves.

From birth my ils had their dd's dc overnight. Holidays. School events.. My dc never had more than a biscuit during the weekly hour visits we were allowed.... Back away op. Your dc don't need to realise they are second class...

You need to distance yourself. You know she always favoured your sister. You know how that makes you feel. Don't put your son in a position where he feels the same way you did. Protect him.

Is your sister on her own? Do you have a DP?

Not that it's an excuse but could be a reason.

How the fuck does writing something like that benefit you? Did you get a kick out of being such a bitch?