Boyfriend says he doesn’t feel “as close to me”

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I’m convinced this means he doesn’t love me as much anymore but he’s insisting it’s not. He said that there’s certain things I’m doing that are trying to push him away.
He doesn’t feel “as close to me as he used to”. This upsets me so much. We’ve had quite a good week but he still thinks this.

I am undergoing mental health tests including ashe and he said the best way for him to feel close to me again is carrying on seeking help.

There’s certain things I do that he says push him away. For example I have a tendency to drag arguments out rather than let things go, because I find it hard to let things go and I always linger on things, ask more questions or dwell on things. This is hugely part of my personality. I also have trust issues which is a large part of this, I’m always asking him question about how he feels about me and need reassurance. Finally he says that when he wants to talk about his feelings, I turn it around on me and only talk about myself. I always just think I’m being empathetic or agreeing with him. Either that or I interrupt him, which I’m trying hard to stop doing.

I just feel a bit heartbroken. I feel he’s saying he’ll feel closer to me again if I change my personality.

Am I in the wrong here?

What a ridiculous comment! Of course it has to be twisted so that the male is at fault cos god forbid OP accepts her behaviour is causing this

Trust is a huge thing for me. We’ve been married 30 years and there’s never been any doubt about trust. I truly believe it’s the backbone of any relationship. Constantly seeking validation or reassurance would also be a deal breaker. That must be exhausting for him. You’re pushing him away and only you can do something about that.

“Therapist is lovely but I feel like I’m doing most of the talking sometimes“

Isn’t that the point? You don’t want the therapist to sit talking about her day or life, therapy is your chance to sit and talk about your life or what’s on your mind and a chance for you to try process all of this. The fact you feel like your doing all the talking obviously means you have something to say or discuss

Listen to this op

Unfortunately, I think this believe that people who are narcissists or have other personality disorders are ALSo intrinsically malicious is a huge problem and allows many of them to fly under the radar.

I am not sure if personality disorders are classified as ND but I would consider them to be such because the person's brain does not work the way the bulk of the population's brains work. And in the case of narcissism, this means they genuinely do not understand why someone would be upset when, for example, the "just asked for reassurance that he loves me" or whatever. Spend time with a narcissist listening to them talk after a relationship break up and believe me, it's eye opening. They are confused and upset because literally nothing makes sense to them.

I realied After I typed this that I sound like I'm diagnosing OP. Apologies, I'm not dodoing that. It's just a pet bug bear of mine that narcissists are seen as these big bad evil people and as a result a lot of them land up hurting a lot of people because they aren't recognised and get to play the vicrim card.

OP is already ahead of the curve by seeking help.

When he talks about his feelings, do NOT speak! Just nod and smile as appropriate. Make eye contact, without staring. Let the poor man get a word in.

And please, stop nagging and "testing the waters". Having ADHD doesn't render you insecure. That's another issue that you should explore. With a therapist, ideally. Not with him.

I agree that 'dragging out arguments', constantly asking for reassurance and interrupting aren't aspects of your personality, they're habits you've formed which are not negatively impacting on your relationship.

What are you doing in your therapy sessions? Are you working hard in them?

Maybe he's your problem and your mental health would be better off without him around. He doesnt sound very supportive in terms of your health either. Anyway just because you're together it doesnt mean you're compatible. & you're too young for all this, find out who and what makes you happy, and go there

My ex husband was exactly as you describe yourself op and I did leave him because of his behaviour. He also had ocd traits and would repeat himself when he was seeking reassurance, if I interrupted him he would have to start again.
It’s exhausting being the other person in this type of relationship. It made me ill and destroyed my own mental health. It’s insidious and we eat away at any love.
please think about what it is doing to him.

if I tried to express my feelings and it didn’t matter what it was about he would make it about himself. I could actually see his mind wonder to himself before he started talking. It makes you feel like you’re not important, your feelings don’t matter as long as they are getting their needs met.

its good your accessing therapy op but you do need to learn how to manage your behaviour if you want to save your relationship.

From what you are saying about your new awareness that you may have ADHD, and feeling that your trauma focused therapy isn't benefitting you, it does make sense that you move to work with a psychologist more familiar with ADHD They should be qualified to help you recognise and modify behaviours that aren't conducive to healthy and happy relationships.

There are also ADHD online groups and you could use them to gain a better understanding of ADHD and how others have worked through similar issues.

Sorry but I think you sound a PITA. Carry on and you may well lose him.