Boyfriend says he doesn’t feel “as close to me”

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I’m convinced this means he doesn’t love me as much anymore but he’s insisting it’s not. He said that there’s certain things I’m doing that are trying to push him away.
He doesn’t feel “as close to me as he used to”. This upsets me so much. We’ve had quite a good week but he still thinks this.

I am undergoing mental health tests including ashe and he said the best way for him to feel close to me again is carrying on seeking help.

There’s certain things I do that he says push him away. For example I have a tendency to drag arguments out rather than let things go, because I find it hard to let things go and I always linger on things, ask more questions or dwell on things. This is hugely part of my personality. I also have trust issues which is a large part of this, I’m always asking him question about how he feels about me and need reassurance. Finally he says that when he wants to talk about his feelings, I turn it around on me and only talk about myself. I always just think I’m being empathetic or agreeing with him. Either that or I interrupt him, which I’m trying hard to stop doing.

I just feel a bit heartbroken. I feel he’s saying he’ll feel closer to me again if I change my personality.

Am I in the wrong here?

The drawing arguments out is draining for the other person and feels like you are pushing them to agree with you. Making someone else's stuff about you can also be wearing if it happens a lot

It's good you are getting help. You need to try and look at your relationship objectively, does your dp have a point? Can you try to manage how you communicate better?

If you don't feel you can then maybe you and your bf are not compatible.

Relationships develop over time, years. Initially everyone is putting forward the best version of themselves, and as each person settles into the relationship they start to show their real selves and personalities and can find they are not as compatible as they first thought. Sometimes it is deal breaker.

You can be defensive about your chosen relationship style or you can try and work on your relationship. It sounds very hard work for him tbh and he’s right to let you know how your behaviour is affecting him. You can’t claim to be blindsided if he breaks up with you.

Well we will, but to be honest even if he has, it in no way at all makes the OP’s behaviour ok or justified.
It would totally be an exit affair.

Yeah sorry op I can see how tedious it might be for him if your constantly dragging things out or asking him how he feels about you - the interrupting thing really fucks me off and I have no time for that - it’s just plain rude. My children used to do that but have learned not to anymore.

There's also another way to look at all this: you're not compatible. These problems don't come up if you have compatible communication styles, can understand each others' emotional responses to things, have similar conflict resolution styles, and similar preferred levels of depth and dialogue.

You also say you have trust issues: only you can know if you have valid trust issues with him or would with anyone...?

Either way, things shouldn't be this hard. I'd suggest ending the relationship, working positively on yourself, and being open to meeting someone new who you're more compatible with. I know that's way easier said than done and it takes ages to get to that point. But life's too short to be miserable and doubting yourself.

If you don't want to do that, use the therapy to get to a point where you're confident that your responses, emotions and conflict resolution styles are mature and appropriate. And if he still doesn't think so, then you have your answer about whether you're compatible.

OP, I am similar to you and have been diagnosed with ADHD... though it's not just an ADHD thing.

I have an anxious attachment style and so does my husband. In previous relationships, I tended to gravitate towards avoidant types, which led to no end of trouble.

Be wary of him framing you entirely as the problem. Relationships take two people.

The posters suggesting he’s had his head turned - nothing suggests this. Stop creating unnecessary worry.

OP - you said he’s brought it up before but you asked him about it yesterday, so you brought it up. We all like reassurance but if you’re constantly badgering him it is going to push him away, which is what he’s tried to tell you. Everyone on here always says men should speak up about their feelings, you need to let him do that. Of course you can say how you feel, but you admit to taking it too far with the reassurance seeking. Of course he won’t feel as close to you. It’s your responsibility not to badger him to insanity just because you’re insecure. I say this as someone with mental health issues.

Thank you, it just breaks my heart knowing he feels that way. I want him to feel close to me and I do honestly try my best and I don’t mean to be draining or anything.

He keeps telling me he’s still happy and to trust him on that, but I genuinely can’t see how he could be because I’m just an absolute nightmare. He says that if I keep saying he will break up with me, that’s what will eventually happen.

I am in therapy at the moment and tbh can’t see any benefits from it yet

How long have you been in therapy? If it’s been a while you may need to try a different therapist or different type of therapy?

I’ve been in therapy for 4 months and he’s lovely but I don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of it long term?

So, he's teling you that if you keep going on and on about how much of a nightmare you are, he will break up with you?

Honestly, good for him. We see women on here all the time who have men like this who use their terrible behaviour as a way to make themselves the victim, "oh, I'm a terrible person and I can't help it and no one can ever love me" and a way to manipulate and control their partners. And I'm afraid to say that you are fitting this very well.

It's quite narcissistic (I'm not saying you're a narcissist but that the behaviours are) - dragging out arguments, not taking responsibility (your comments like, "I do try but I can't help it are CLASSIC examples of this - a healthy person would say, "You're right, I didn't think about what you needed there. I will do better"), the need for constant reassurance.... All of this quickly leads to controlling ridiculous behaviour. Do you get jealous and worried when he's out with friends or late from work? Do you feel rejected if he's not super perky and happy to see you every day? Do you get resentful because you're not cuddling on the sofa all loved up every night.

You say you are in therapy. Therapy only works if you engage with it and take responsibility for your actions and reactions. I'm not sure that's happening as yet.

Have you posted about this before op? Reads very familiar.

The interrupting, making conversation with what you believe to be shared experiences but actually just taking away from what he’s trying to say, the emotional over attachment - these are all very key traits of neurodiversity. But it’s also very difficult to live with (the second one with my undx ASD ex used to drive me utterly spare as much as I knew he couldn’t help it). He’s right that you need to work on compromising and comprehending back and forth communication, and that needing constant reassurance is suffocating. However a lot of therapy isn’t suitable to meeting ND needs, which is not the same as a MH issue.

I haven’t no, I have seen posts similar to mine and I thought I’d post about my situation too.

You say therapy wouldn’t help ND needs @LostTheMarble - what do you think would help instead?

Taking accountability and making concrete plans for what you think you can do to improve. Finding tools to actually accept that you are behaving poorly and making his life difficult.

Can I ask you - do you truly understand why he finds this frustrating? Do you feel bad that you keep doing things that make him unhappy? When he tells you that your insecurities are a problem, do you feel you can't stop because HE hasn't reassured you enough?

I’m not saying therapy (a huge umbrella) won’t help but you need something more attuned to your needs. What are you currently doing? Is your therapist a specialist in ND needs?

My therapist specialises in ptsd which to be honest, I thought was the issue due to my upbringing but then I spoke to a mental health advisor who said I am showing classic signs of ADHD in women so now I’m a bit stuck regarding next steps.
Therapist is lovely but I feel like I’m doing most of the talking sometimes

Narcissistic personality behaviours are very common in people with childhood trauma.

Given what you have said about yourself, I don't blame him. How have written this post without any self awareness. He's only 28 and I would leave if I were him, because you clearly can't see his point at all. Your entire post is about you.

There’s certain things I do that he says push him away. For example I have a tendency to drag arguments out rather than let things go, because I find it hard to let things go and I always linger on things, ask more questions or dwell on things. This is hugely part of my personality. I also have trust issues which is a large part of this, I’m always asking him question about how he feels about me and need reassurance. Finally he says that when he wants to talk about his feelings, I turn it around on me and only talk about myself. I always just think I’m being empathetic or agreeing with him. Either that or I interrupt him, which I’m trying hard to stop doing

can you see why you need to stop doing all the above?

can you see how difficult it must get for your boyfriend to be with someone who does the above? (I notice you tell us about YOU being heartbroken.....and yet this is about how your BOYFRIEND feels)

have you asked your therapist HOW to stop doing the above?

Sudo narc traits are also very common with neurodiversity. It’s a lack of insight whilst also having underdeveloped social and communication skills. Reading the op (trying not to armchair diagnose), it certainly reads like they have ADHD and quite possibly ASD. The difference is, those who are truly narcissistic will be doing it for power and control, whilst if it symptomatic of being ND there isn’t malicious intent. It requires different approaches in how the person recognises these behaviours.

I think he may right you do need to continue to seek help. its not his responsibility to have constantly reassure you.

From what you have said OP I think he’s right and I would feel the same, continue with therapy