AIBU to ask my ghoster why he ghosted me...

[Tellmeifimwrong]

...because that's what I've done. Last heard from him 3 weeks ago, and before that he had invited me somewhere that I couldn't go, and before that we'd had a lovely few weeks where he was in contact all the time. I don't want to see him again, I've now got the measure of him, but I really do just want to know. So I've just messaged to ask why he disappeared. Unread so far...

He’ll either

A. not answer
B. lie
C. Give you a string along “I’ve been busy” excuse

whichever it is, it won’t make you feel any better… don’t message (or recall if you can)

Oh dear…

Yes. A ghost aint gonna reply!

I've already messaged. I'm very impulsive when it comes to these things! I think he won't answer. I really really want to know why though!

Has he read the message?

Don’t waste your energy on even thinking about him, forget you’ve messaged him, block him and move on.

I’m actually all for calling them out. I have to not care what BS they’ll spin, but why should you slink off silently and make them think they’ve gotten away with this shitty behaviour?

Not sure why woman usually say to ignore. They’ll just keep doing it. Call out, then block and delete no matter what.

What is the context here, OP? I mean, is it a new romantic relationship, or a new or established friendship, or what?

The last time I actually asked someone (newish friend) who'd become quite close over the course of a year eighteen months etc, and then backed off abruptly, what was going on, had I done something to offend him, he looked absolutely panic-stricken and blurted 'I've been SICK!' and 'I've been BUSY!'

Both of which were presumably true, as they were true of me, but he just didn't have the emotional vocabulary to actually reply. Turned out to just have been a situational friendship that I would have liked to maintain when the situation that had initially brought us together ended, but he clearly didn't.

This.

Or he'll breadcrumb you by coming back now and again.

Or return to haunt you now and again.

Why bother @Tellmeifimwrong you just show him you care.

Still unread. Context was new romantic relationship. Felt like we were really into each other (he said he was excited) but both single parents so limited on time and childcare. One day he cancelled, then went slightly quiet, then invited me to the thing which I declined, then he ghosted.
As I've said, I never want to see him again, so once I hear back, I'll block. But I do want to know what changed!!

I mean, haven't you ghosted each other? He asked you out again, you said you were busy, neither of you have messaged each other for three weeks. Unless you're missing out the bit where you messaged last and he's ignored you.

Yes I messaged last and he ignored me.

I wouldn't have given him the satisfaction.

Yes, I mean, is it possible he read you declining the invitation from him as a rejection? Or did you make it clear you were simply unable to make this specific event or whatever, rather than not wanting to see him again -- had you contacted him again after that?

Sorry, x-post with your last.

No he has shown you the sort of person he is, it’s a horrible way to treat people

do not waste one more minute of your time on him you are with more

I honestly don't mind about giving him the satisfaction, I really don't care if he thinks "oh she's thinking about me", I just really really really REALLY want to know!!!!

You're unlikely to get at the truth, though (even assuming he knows it himself, and has the emotional intelligence to figure out why he acts how he acts'.

I still occasionally see my former friend by accident with other people, and he gives the impression (and I don't think he's faking, I think it's entirely genuine) that everything is exactly as it was before. He assumes my interest in his life, and never asks a single question about mine. I bet if someone asked him 'What's up with you and X?', he would look slightly puzzled at the question and just say 'Oh, X, haven't seen her in a while...'

even assuming he knows it himself, and has the emotional intelligence to figure out why he acts how he acts
This is a very good point.

If he’s the type to ghost you without explanation, then I doubt he’ll give you one now.

YANBU for asking though.

He’s likely met someone else or got back with an ex.

What do you think he might say though? Almost certainly he just lost interest, possibly also he met someone else. Do you want to know why he lost interest? That's an impossible thing to pinpoint. Or if it is possible to pinpoint, it's not going to be something it will do you any good to hear.

I think really you want to have the final say/make a point. Which is fair enough. But I'm inclined to say if there's a next time, either leave it, or find a way to say it without asking an impossible/pointless question.

Sympathies, it's very unpleasant.

It's not a big deal that you asked - why shouldn't you? I never understand why people think it's so important to preserve "self respect" in front of somebody you never intend to see again anyway. So what it he concludes "ooh, she really likes me"? Who cares what he thinks?

It does sound to me, as others have suggested, like it might have been more or a mutual ghost-off, though. If you simply sent one message declining an invitation, which he ignored. He may well have thought that, having turned something down, it behoved you to suggest an alternative meet, if you had wanted to. And concluded, when you said nothing more, that YOU were the ghost.....

Who knows? Has he replied yet?

Still unread.
My last message was after declining his invitation, and said something like get in touch when you have more time. Didn't hear from him again. He definitely doesn't think I ghosted him.

He met someone he likes better
Something you did gave him the ick
He just wasn't that into you
He got bored
He's actually married

Does it matter? The chances of him replying are slim, and even if he does do you think he'll tell the truth?

"Oh yeah sorry about that, I met this girl down the pub who's an absolutely cracking shag so I decided to ditch you and stick with her"

Do you really want to hear that?

He won’t tell the truth even if you do hear. Basically he’s met someone else and isn’t that into you. Let it go op.