To not take back my lying ex boyfriend

[MyLemonBiscuit]

My boyfriend and I were together for 18 months. We are in our early 30s.

He has lied to me a few times. Some big, some inconsequential lies. He promised he would stop a few months back but didn't...

Last straw was he has been telling me that he was going to the office but was actually home. I asked him a couple of times if he's home because it was obvious but he refused. I wouldn't care either way or where he was but he chose to lie. Yesterday I drove to his at home lunch time and he was there despite telling me he's in the office and faking a phone call from his car saying he came to Tesco's to get lunch...

No idea why he'd do that. I'm not a controlling person, but even if I were it's no excuse to constantly lie.

He said that as he was supposed to go to the office and didn't feel motivated to do so, he felt like a failure and lied about it. I told him I'd never judge him for that and he said he knew, he just felt shameful.

I broke up with him yesterday after catching him quite literally red handed. I also hate the person I feel this relationship's turned me into. This morning he phoned me to say he arranged therapy for Monday. He was crying so hard saying he doesn't want to lose me and will do everything to change his lying habit.

I was quite adamant that we're through but earlier I had a chat with his mum where she almost begged me to give it another chance - made me think, AIBU to not consider giving this another try even if he's getting professional help?

I think you'd be daft to go back to him.
He will just carry on lying.
He's lying to you now, I'll bet my arse he is.
Lying and crying. Manipulative.

No- move on with your life.

He needs more support and help to heal to be a good partner.

I'd say his priority is sorting himself out first as he clearly has issues.

Once he's sorted himself out, THEN you can consider if it's worth picking up the relationship again.

Be there for him as a friend until he sorts himself out?

I think you posted about this before - it sounds like it got worse if so.

I wouldn't stay with him. Not because I don't think he'd change or whatever but because I know I would. I'd never be able to 100% believe him and I don't want to live a life where I'm checking up on him, or not believing him or rolling my eyes when he says something. That's not who I'd want to be and leaving means I can stop myself from becoming that. It sounds like you're considering taking him back because you think he might change but not what impact all of these lies have already done to you and your personality.

Good luck whatever you decide

The question is why is he lying about his whereabouts. Whats he said when you caught him lying?

It's up to you. To me commitment to change and action says a lot but it's your decision.

No idea. He said he felt like a lazy loser so didn't want to tell anyone that he wasn't going into the office. I mean, who cares? He can work from home and I wouldn't think any less of him. It's about how he feels about himself.

At the same time, I feel like there's no guarantee he wasn't covering something up or lying again when caught out because I simply cannot trust him at this point.

He broke your trust- repeatedly- it’s gone and so has the relationship and any future together

Well the therapy is a cop out. It wont change a thing and knowing him he probably wouldnt even go!!!

Yeah it's a huge step, I agree. I just don't know where I stand anymore.

Came on to say just this.

If you take him back he may not bother with therapy or lie about that too.

This!
plus saying he’s booked therapy could be a lie but even if it is true it’s barely a ‘commitment to change’ he’d actually need to go & put the effort in ‘do the work’ bleurgh

I know someone like this, I am good friends with their best friend, who could never understand why he would tell his DW stupid irrelevant lies*. Later on the DW discovered he had being having an affair for years which she had absolutely no inkling about (nor did anyone else). Guess if you lie about the little things it's easy to lie about the big things too.

*one time he went abroad on a business trip and told her he went to a different country - for no reason! Neither country had any significance to him or her. DW felt like a muppet when she was corrected by a partner of one of his work friends.

I'd bee suspicious of how quickly he managed to arrange getting a therapy session!!!!!

Once a liar, always a liar. I would steer clear.

NOBODY books a therapy session that quickly! Another fib!

That's a good point.
Waiting lists are huge!

You are not his therapist.

Tell him to seek professional help and when he is in a place to have an honest relationship (maybe in a couple of years) and if you're still single, you can talk then.

I went back and checked that your ages weren't actually 16!
He will never stop lying but the lies will just get bigger. Run away and don't look back, if you've split up you don't need to speak to his mother, remember she's raised this liar.

this woman says it in song so much better than I can write

Are you sure he’s actually got a job?

Yep. Get rid. Don't be manipulated into going back.

Didn’t even read it all. RUN GIRL RUN

Honestly? After 18 months this should still be really fun and exciting. It doesn’t sound as though it is.

Stay away from this man. Having him endlessly lie to you (even about stupid shit) will grind you down. Go out with your friends and have fun.