Struggling with ND husband

[AquaQuail]

I’m wondering if anyone is in a similar situation and can offer advice? Been married for over 10 years. Overall we’re happy and accept each other for who we are. He’s a good person and I think I am too.

The problem is he doesn’t understand feelings and often can say inappropriate insensitive comments. I tell him he’s hurt my feelings and he apologises, but then he thinks that’s the end of it and just repeats the same behaviours a day or two later.

Normally this doesn’t cause arguments as I know (believe) he can’t help it, and I’m generally easy going, but he’s become worse lately and I’m getting really fed up with him.

He’s recently been diagnosed with a number of health conditions which I know he’s struggling with and I am being supportive. Although he tells me all the time how much he loves me and appreciates me his behaviour and comments contradict this.

I’ve explained this to him and he says in his mind the two things are completely unrelated, he says he is completely unaware of being insensitive and apologises immediately. I’ve said I don’t understand how you can say one thing and then behave in the opposite way, he says he can’t understand how I feel as he doesn’t get it and therefore doesn’t know how to solve the problem.

I don’t know how to move forward, I don’t want to throw away our marriage as it seems silly and we have two children who would be completely distraught (who are also on the autistic spectrum) if we separated. I’m just so tired of feeling unhappy!

But do you want to spend the rest of your life being unhappy so that 3 others are happy?

What sort of things does he say?

Do you think he CAN ‘help it’ and change and is just unwilling to?

does he often do this with other people too, eg work, family, friends? If not, it’s a choice to do it to

Can you share and example of what happens or what is said?

Just tell him not to say anything in xyz situation?
He must have plenty of examples from the previous times he's upset you, when you've told him that - so use them.
Just say that you'd rather he say nothing than say something hurtful. You will understand and appreciate he's at least thinking about it, rather than just blurting out something that upsets/hurts you, (and maybe offer to discuss what he was going to say at a later time so you can try to explain why it would have if you have the patience/energy/inclination to do so)

It’s things like if I say I’m struggling to keep on top of the housework (the house is reasonably clean and tidy) he’ll say something like well you’re not doing a great job and run his finger on top of the skirting board and show a bit of dirt then laugh.

or if I say I’m tired he’ll say not as tired as I am, or I say I’m not sure someone at work likes me he’ll say well no-one likes you as you’re a bit weird. Then he’ll laugh and say it’s only a joke, he thinks I’m a wonderful person. I tell him his jokes aren’t funny but he says it’s his personality. He’s always been quite sarcastic but I’m at a time in my life where I’m just not patient and expect him to be a little sympathetic at times.

He”s just difficult to live with. I try and support him but don’t feel it’s reciprocated.

I'm not an expert in neurodivergence but I don't think there is a condition that excuses purposely mean comments that the perpetrator laughs off and then calls "just a joke". Or trying to one up you in the "tiredness olympics"

He says he doesnt realise he's being insensitive, but he does... he's laughing about his own comments. He's amusing himself, and hes amused because they're mean towards you.

I would think he is saying the things you want to hear because he has learnt that but his behaviours are instinct. Were you not aware he was ND when you married him?

It seems you are being unfair op. It’s like marrying a vegetarian and then complaining he doesn’t eat meat.

My DH and DS are both ND and I spend a fair bit of my working life coaching people with various 'flavours' of ND - what you describe sounds to me like the behaviour of an arsehole, not someone with any specific social communication issue.

To stop that sounding too throwaway, reactions I might anticipate from kind ND individuals who were making a genuine effort if you said you're struggling to keep on top of the housework:

Practical solutions (up to and including a colour coded schedule to keep you on track) even if what you were looking for was emotional support

Defensiveness if they feel you're hinting they should be doing more (even if you weren't)

Learned or instinctive emotional support along the lines of 'no it's fine, look there's a whole patch of clean floor right there'

Avoiding the issue then doing something kind for you that they know usually works, like appearing with biscuits or suggesting you have a bath

Not a bitchy put down, followed by a laugh, followed by refusal to even attempt to improve. If it is 'just his personality' then his personality is shit.

He just sounds like a passive aggressive asshole hiding behind his nd.

It reads like you expect him to understand the subtext of what you are saying but what he's doing is confirming what you are saying but not understanding you

" I'm struggling with housework"
Subtext I need help
Him " yes you are struggling, this is dirty"

Change in communication
I need you to step up and do your share in the house, what tasks will you take on?

"I'm tired"
Subtext Im tired and overwhelmed, I need you to do more
Change

I'm overwhelmed with tasks , what are you going to take on
Or
I'm going to bed, to rest ( statement)

Stop calling yourself wierd, you have no idea if your colleagues think you are wierd or not
It's a form of self bullying

Disclaimer
My DH is ND and does not get that there is a subtext, so I have to be VERY direct

I think it's op's husband who called her weird. And said that no one likes her.

He’s always been sarcastic and inappropriate but it has become worse recently due to additional health concerns. I am very direct (vast majority of the time) as I realise this is necessary for him to understand but he just says things like ‘no’ or I don’t do that I do xyz.

He’s extremely practical however, sometimes it’s just exhausting and I wish he could just give a more empathetic response. Eg I’m tired his response is to go to bed earlier like I hadn’t thought of that. Or I I need you to load the dishwasher, response is no, I cut the lawn and fix things. If I say I’m fed up with work he just says well don’t go, or think about something else.

He just doesn’t understand context or the fact the sometimes a little flexibility is needed. I guess he can’t change it’s just I’m going through a time in my life where I just need someone who can understand depth and he can’t.

I’m not weird at all, he just thought this was funny.

No, I wasn’t, just thought he was quirky

I understand all of this and have approached communication differently as in the above examples. I’m met with ‘no I don’t do that, I do xyz instead’.

Or I I need you to load the dishwasher, response is no, I cut the lawn and fix things.

Please tell me this isn't all he does in the house?

My husband is ND and his empathy is just not there. We have had some absolute clangers over the years but it is something that he worked on although when he is tired and overwhelmed then we slip back to square one. Once he isn't overwhelmed we talk it through and he understands why I might not have appreciated that response

It does suck when it feels like the relationship is one sided but I think it is part and parcel of living with an ND partner.

It’s not unreasonable to expect more of him around the house, ND or not.

Personality wise it could be that this is genuinely who he is, and it can be very difficult to compromise and adapt to other's needs.

Ultimately I think you need to have a very clear talk about what you expect from the relationship (him taking into account how you feel at his insensitive jokes, him not doing his fair share of things).

If you’re unhappy and he’s showing no signs of making an effort to improve this then you need to prioritise yourself. Either leave him or find a way that works for you to accept it and feel happier.

He does everything he can but he’s diagnosed with long Covid and fibromyalgia and struggles just to do his job let alone anything else.

I totally understand this, problem is he’s always tired, overwhelmed and not very cognitive (long Covid and fibromyalgia) which is why he’s regressed somewhat. I also think I’m menopausal and am struggling with my mental and physical health and he just can’t be supportive as he doesn’t understand. It’s really difficult 😥

Some of this sounds like my ex. We're both ND, but very different people.

If ever I said I was tired or ill, it was NEVER as tired or ill as him. He always had to engage in one-man-ship. Still does, whenever I see him.

Would say something unkind or sarcastic and seem to not care that what he'd said had upset me, as it was always a 'joke'.

Countless other things. I don't know if it's to do with his Neurodivergence, as he genuinely seems to enjoy winding people up and doesn't appear to care what anyone else feels (as he has never made an effort to change/compromise). I think it's more the sign that he is a twunt (my ex, not your husband).

Ha ha yes I think my husband is a twunt too but he seems to think that’s endearing!

Something else is he dismisses my feelings all the time. If I say you’re you’re behaving like a twat he acts like it’s endearing, if I say you’re making me unhappy he says no I’m not, if I say I find you deeply unattractive at the moment he gestures his body and says but you have the whole package here. (He’s average looking and slightly overweight- not that I care he just the way he doesn’t seem to grasp what I’m saying).

His response to you is interesting then isn't it? Instead of saying 'I'm sorry, I'm tired and struggling' he just says 'no, I do enough'.
I understand why you are fed up as it seems to be he is trying to upset you when he answers instead of answering truthfully.
Look, if you are doing everything house and child related as well as working (or even if not) then you must find a way to look after yourself. It's all very well excusing his behaviours but why he does it makes no difference to how it makes you feel. Or the reasons for his lack of input in the house makes no difference to how run down you become.
Start thinking about how to protect your own health, mental and physical, no one else will. You are the doer in your house, you need to stay well.

He sounds as though he is not doing well at processing his new health issues and the anger/overwhelm/whatever is now spilling out towards you which I don't think is fair to you. Is he ever able to have a genuine conversation at the moment or is it all defensive?