Struggling with ND husband

[AquaQuail]

I’m wondering if anyone is in a similar situation and can offer advice? Been married for over 10 years. Overall we’re happy and accept each other for who we are. He’s a good person and I think I am too.

The problem is he doesn’t understand feelings and often can say inappropriate insensitive comments. I tell him he’s hurt my feelings and he apologises, but then he thinks that’s the end of it and just repeats the same behaviours a day or two later.

Normally this doesn’t cause arguments as I know (believe) he can’t help it, and I’m generally easy going, but he’s become worse lately and I’m getting really fed up with him.

He’s recently been diagnosed with a number of health conditions which I know he’s struggling with and I am being supportive. Although he tells me all the time how much he loves me and appreciates me his behaviour and comments contradict this.

I’ve explained this to him and he says in his mind the two things are completely unrelated, he says he is completely unaware of being insensitive and apologises immediately. I’ve said I don’t understand how you can say one thing and then behave in the opposite way, he says he can’t understand how I feel as he doesn’t get it and therefore doesn’t know how to solve the problem.

I don’t know how to move forward, I don’t want to throw away our marriage as it seems silly and we have two children who would be completely distraught (who are also on the autistic spectrum) if we separated. I’m just so tired of feeling unhappy!

I agree with the poster above.

If you want to stay
In the marriage which is fine either way then
Look after yourself. Find joy in other things. Can you afford to outsource some jobs so you can have you Time?
Switch To shopping delivery
Get a cleaner
Gardener
Hire a decorator when required

Make sure you put yourself
First

Get a monthly
Massage
Do a
weekly
Club

And so on

Obvs a lot of this is
Money
Depending

Also
Learn about autism
In men. There are
Some amazing podcasts and books out there
I appreciate you have ND kids but an adult
Is Different

Have you considered you maybe ND. Have you thought about RSD

Very
Common in adhd women and ND offer attract each other

I hope
You
Can work it out.

I think that's a most men thing isn't it. You want empathy and they think you want a solution. (II'm a little bit like that too TBH).

I think you're being a bit oversensitive.

Men like to fix not be empathetic (generally)

His Humour is Probably his mask. He has probably been using it to Cope his whole life

Did it originally attract you to him? Be honest

I think if he's unwell and isn't able to do his share of chores then you absolutely must outsource them before you burn out.

He does sound difficult but why go to him for empathy when what you need is practical help to release some of your burden.
If he said he was sorry you are tired and overwhelmed does it change the amount of tasks?
No
That's seeking validation when what will help the most?
Practical redistribution of tasks which he is unable to help with
Feels a bit futile and stuck in a loop

Go round the back and approach it in a different way.

He does sound like he has a script he sticks to which has developed as a defense mechanism ask me how I know

First release some of your burden
Online shop
Cleaner/ Ironing

Take what you need,stop asking for it

There’s a thread on relationships for people in relationships with ND people. I suggest you post there.

My experience: it won’t change. You need to decide if you can accept that.

Also my experience, being in a bad relationship slowly corrodes you, like water over a stone.

Yes it will sand you down.

Yes I'm ND and it causes me to be cruel and behave like a twat;that old chestnut.

You can be ND and still be an emotionally abusive arsehole.

This doesn’t sound like it’s anything to do with being ND. Does he make these “jokes” to anyone else? His boss or colleagues? He just sounds disrespectful and like he enjoys winding you up.

Stop expecting him to be empathic towards you. Stop supporting him too, he is literally laughing at you.