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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed by dd not getting treatment for her bad skin

76 replies

Watermelon197 · 03/07/2024 22:11

Dd has always had bad skin. She’s tried a few things over the years which have worked for short periods then it went back to normal.

She's tried the pill a couple of times but always comes off it saying it made her feel “not herself” and didn’t completely work, albeit she never tries for very long.

Shes been under dermatology but they were useless and didn’t offer roaccutaine but just discharged her.

She is now 19 and not taking anything and is completely covered in spots.

She says she’s not bothered but she is and it affects her confidence and social interactions. I’m sure it will affect her job prospects too.

It looks red and inflamed, and she covers it with cheap makeup which just looks worse. She’s very sporty so obviously it gets flared up from that too, and it would be easier not to have to trowel on makeup.

What can I do? I have asked if she wants to try a different pill, or ask to be seen again in dermatology, but she can’t be bothered. I can’t arrange it for her.

im at a loss to know what to do, but I do know there must be something to try? She’s worried about taking meds because they reel off the side effects and it puts her off as she wants to be healthy. She has no idea what a massive affect it is having on her and gets annoyed if I mention it a lot so I have to bite my tongue a lot.

OP posts:
LawrieForShepherdsBoy · 04/07/2024 04:04

I agree with pp that she will be aware of the drug pathways available to her, but that for whatever reason she’s decided not to go down that route.

There’s a lot of people on TikTok with acne who either have drug resistant acne or just don’t want to take the drugs and are comfortable and confident with it.

LawrieForShepherdsBoy · 04/07/2024 04:10

Incidentally, my dd, now 16, has eczema which at times has been severe. At its worse, she had a bad staph infection and lots of intervention. She was 13 and we followed really tough protocol prescribed by hospital. Because it was so bad, I was on top of her all the time, clean fresh clothes changes, covered in greasy emmolients six times a day. Plus the antibiotics and prednisone. Her skin looked amazing, I remember it fondly as a time when she let me step in to support her. She remembers it as the time our relationship was at its worst.

LawrieForShepherdsBoy · 04/07/2024 04:13

She can get her skin sorted at any point she chooses, but it’ll be much harder to fix a relationship with her mum. Ultimately a good relationship with her mum is a better marker for long term happiness.

Bournetilly · 04/07/2024 04:20

Speaking from experience, leave her alone. You will only push her away. She’s an adult and can make her own decisions.

BifurBofurBombur · 04/07/2024 04:45

She’s only 19, if she wants to get treated she’ll do it in her own time.

The more you try to force encourage her, the more she will resist.

Buy her some nice hypoallergenic make up for her birthday maybe, if she likes receiving it as a gift.

BodyKeepingScore · 04/07/2024 12:16

She's an adult. You can't tell other adults what to do with their skin or body. Sounds like you have more of an issue with it than she does.

Lavender14 · 04/07/2024 12:19

My mum was very bothered by my acne and was persistent in trying to find interventions. It made me very self conscious and I ended up developing a skin picking disorder as a result.

Your dd has told you she doesn't want further treatment. She's entitled to have a say in the treatment of her own body. Roaccutane can be useful absolutely, but it's bit always a cure and some people do have very serious side effects from it.

Could you explain why you think acne would affect her job prospects??

Harrumphhhh · 04/07/2024 12:24

Back off. It’s her skin. Her choice.

IF she asks for your advice, I would highly recommend scaling her skincare regime way back: simple cleanser (Lush Ultrabland is good) and then La Roche Possay effacluer-H. Nothing else. The LRP has saved my skin several times. It’s magic stuff.

Drttc · 04/07/2024 12:28

It’s up to her of course - but I think tretinoin is meant to be found to help?

hermionegranger · 04/07/2024 12:35

Oh gosh, please don't tell her that her skin will affect her job prospects!!

I had really, really awful cystic acne well into my twenties because no topical or antibiotic treatment worked.
I thought about my skin and how ashamed I was of it every second of every day for well over a decade - though I had very few comments on it which I was so grateful for. The comments I did get pushed me further and further back inside my own head, confirming that I was all the things I feared due to my skin: ugly, lazy, unhygienic, unappealing, unworthy, unwanted.

Please don't add to your daughter's internal monologue in any negative way. She is an adult, she will deal with it if she wants to and in her own time. You can't interfere even if her skin does worry or offend you. She needs love and reassurance and kindness, not the dissection of her validity of her choices and appearance.

If she does want to seek treatment however, I eventually went to a private dermatologist for a consultation for laser treatment for some very bad scarring, and he instead wrote a strong letter to my GP advising referral for Roaccutane. I was put on the waiting list with high priority within a fortnight. It saved me. But it took me to the age of 28 to have the confidence to go to that Doctor. Give your daughter time to take care of herself in a way she's comfortable with and support her all the way.

HollaHolla · 04/07/2024 12:44

I had dreadful skin for about 18 years. At 30, I decided enough was enough, and took a 6 month course of roaccutane, after I'd tried everything else over the years. My skin is great now.
I was your daughter, with too much makeup on; feeling very self-conscious; hiding behind my hair, etc. My Mum supported me in trying the pill, etc. as a teenager, but it was my decision - and it has to be hers.

Hesma · 04/07/2024 13:00

Be nice to her… your attitude will be hurting her more than the spots. It’s no wonder her confidence is through the floor when she’s around you if you make her feel like you’re embarrassed for her.

PortiasBiscuit · 04/07/2024 13:02

I’d love my eldest to buy a decent bra and lose some weight. However she is an adult with total autonomy over her own body so I won’t be trying to make her do anything.

Sunnydiary · 04/07/2024 13:03

I think you mean “she has no idea how it’s affecting ME”

Except she does know because you keep on at her about it.

Back off.

Wexone · 04/07/2024 13:48

Oblomov24 · 03/07/2024 23:28

As she was under dermatology before, ask go for a re-referral. And be firm and politely insist on Roaccutane.

Seriously? They cant be forced to prescribe it aswell as that Roacutane for Women is a very serious drug. I was on it but had to have mandatory pregnancy test every month, i was only prescribed one month course each time. It really dries out your skin, my scalp and lips especially flaked so badly. But it also messes with your mood, i was very weepy some of the time. I only took it for the 4 months. It did really improve my skin however its a hard slog. I only asked as i had exhausted everything else

TeacherAnonymous123 · 04/07/2024 14:00

As other PPs have said, it sounds like you're more bothered by it than your daughter.

As for the experience with dermatology, I had a similar experience. I battled with over the counter meds and topical solutions from the age of 12 to 22. I was only then given Isotretinoin, and whilst my skin cleared up after 2 courses of intense treatment (with monthly hospital appointments, blood tests and pregnancy tests), my skin has been permanently changed and some of the side effects are now permanent. It's not for everyone.

JollyGreenSnake · 04/07/2024 14:36

YABU 100%.

At 19, it's her decision if she wants to pursue treatment or not.

And BTW, the antibiotic options also carry some serious potential side effects like bleeding of stomach/oesophagus, chemical photosensitivity, arthritis/joint damage and pancreatitis.

BodyKeepingScore · 04/07/2024 14:59

Oblomov24 · 03/07/2024 23:28

As she was under dermatology before, ask go for a re-referral. And be firm and politely insist on Roaccutane.

You simply cannot force an adult to make choices about their healthcare just because you want them to. This is terrible advice.

Marshmallowbrain · 04/07/2024 15:00

FFS her body, her choice! Leave her alone. As if you're pushing pills on her which she already said made her not feel herself.

housemaus · 04/07/2024 15:06

I didn't speak to my mum for a good while and a large part of the reason was that she kept going on about my skin at me. Like your daughter, I was an adult with the capacity to look up the options, seek a second opinion, etc, and I didn't need another adult reminding me I looked like shit. She didn't understand that however concerned or worried for me and my self image she was, reminding me constantly to the point of seeming annoyed about it was only making me dislike her and her inability to step back from things that fundamentally weren't her problem or her business.

Don't be that parent. Maybe you're not like this otherwise, but your lack of boundaries suggests to me you might be a bit like my mum, and that's not going to do your relationship any good. You might think you mean well but she's made clear to you she doesn't want to talk to you about it - honour the boundaries she's put in place.

Original poster
Watermelon197 · 04/07/2024 17:08

Thank you for your honest opinions and advice, I have read all of the comments and they have provided food for thought.

I am aware it comes across as uncaring, I did deliberately make the title attention grabbing, but my actions do come from a place of concern for her wellbeing.

Because I suffered with really bad skin (before starting on the pill), and I remember how it made me feel, including severe lack of confidence in my looks and poor self esteem, I presumed she felt the same, but possibly that isn’t the case.

I do however worry (I don’t vocalise this) that it is affecting her self esteem and that she would be more carefree and confident if she had better skin, as she was when she was initially put on a treatment which worked well for a short time.

OP posts:
YourMommaWasASnowblower · 04/07/2024 17:35

@Watermelon197 from your update it does seem you are self-aware enough to realise you are projecting your own insecurities onto your daughter.
Not everyone is hung up about the same things. Even if you think she seems like her confidence has decreased it could be about something completely different to her skin. But I would be inclined to think it’s you that is making her feel it’s a problem. Focus on her positives, not on the things that YOU have decided are her negatives.

foodtoorder · 04/07/2024 19:37

I would ask her if she wants to go to a therapist that offers medical grade skin treatments. As suggested, dermalogica covers a lot of skin problems effectively.
It does sound like she needs to anti microbials prescribed first though if she is really red raw. Maybe hearing from a beauty therapist might have more weight than her mum nagging.

Maria1979 · 04/07/2024 19:51

Watermelon197 · 04/07/2024 17:08

Thank you for your honest opinions and advice, I have read all of the comments and they have provided food for thought.

I am aware it comes across as uncaring, I did deliberately make the title attention grabbing, but my actions do come from a place of concern for her wellbeing.

Because I suffered with really bad skin (before starting on the pill), and I remember how it made me feel, including severe lack of confidence in my looks and poor self esteem, I presumed she felt the same, but possibly that isn’t the case.

I do however worry (I don’t vocalise this) that it is affecting her self esteem and that she would be more carefree and confident if she had better skin, as she was when she was initially put on a treatment which worked well for a short time.

So happy to read this. You do seem to care for your daughter and I think you have realised that she might not be as bothered as you were when you were young so please don't project. Boost her confidence, compliment her intelligence, maturity, empathy, hair whatever that you find great about her If she feels that her acne is a problem she will find a solution/ask you. Don't create a problem that does not exist (for her).

Mouswife · 04/07/2024 19:53

She might benefit from red light therapy or maybe low level sun bed tanning. That can help dry up oily skin.

my sister had acne and she always swore by pears soap