To feel sad my daughter’s class mixing

[Orangeyyq]

DD is is an 3 form entry primary school. They decided for next year to mix the classes up for some reason (different reasons given everytime people ask). My DD is best friends with a girl whose lovely I think but I feel can dominate her at times. My DD is very quiet and easiky- led. School also noticed this last parents evening and hinted maybe best they in different class next year.

Kids had to pick 2 names that they would like to be with next year and 1 name is guaranteed to be in same class. When choosing I encouraged DD to put down another child instead of the friend but she didn’t want to she cried and said that she’s her ONLY friend. I emailed school and said I think she should be with her friend as I felt even though she’s dominating she is the only friend she actually has.

I feel I made a huge mistake. Why did I get involved. I feel I’ve kind of wrecked my DD’s chances at friendship. Just for context I’m ND and I don’t think DD is but she is being let down as I can’t establish healthy. Friendships to model to it’ll her what they look like.

please be kind, I feel I’ve made such a mess. School cannot change it now as names have gone out to parents etc.

Chill out. I’m sure she’ll be fine. You getting anxious & stressed will make your DD stressed though so just relax about it. Agree that describing girls as bossy is wrong. We shouldn’t be programming girls to be “sweet” and compliant.

See how things go and if this other girl is causing issues then perhaps ask if DD can move classes.

Chances are they will both make a new friend or 2, because the classes are being mixed.

Don’t worry about it. You did what you thought was best.

Yep agree, probably wrong choice of words. OP said the class her daughter was in last year had lovely girls in it, that was what I meant.

But she didn't make friends with the girls in her class, so actually maybe a change would be good.

OP please ignore my earlier comment, give it a go in the new class and see what happens

Try not to worry - easier said than done, I know.

In our school, we mix the years we feel need it. There isn’t a particular time and in fact last year, all years were mixed.

It can be down to a number of reasons but mostly due to behaviour management and needs of particular children.

Even when a child isn’t in the same class as their friend, they still get to play together at break and lunch time.

If your child has a good teacher, they will know the dynamics and ensure your daughter is not sat near her friend or put in the same groups,

In my experience lots of schools ask children to name 2 or 3 friends they'd like to stay with, and guarantee they'll be with one of them.

Try not to worry too much, OP. The school are aware of the issue and can keep an eye on it. They can think about it when doing groupings within the class and playtime is generally mixed anyway. If it's still an issue next year then you can think about it when they mix for the following year.

My reception child has also formed a rather intense friendship with one child. I've just talked to her about setting up some playdates with other children she likes so I can hopefully strengthen some other friendships. Could that be an option for you?

You never know, the friend might be all enamoured with the new girls in the class and your dd might establish friendships with some kids who aren't so familiar to her at the moment. Try not to stress.

My DD used to be really shy. Something I've done since she was little is that whenever she made a new acquaintance, whether on holiday or at school or whatever, I've said something along the line of "oh, you're so good at making new friends" and it seems to have worked in the "we are what people tell us" kind of way. Once she got to school and she started to have class change arounds, I'd just remind her "you're so good at making new friends" and to remind her that some people find this hard and she should look out for people on their own or being left out and include them.

I'm a shit mum in lots of ways, but I'm really proud of the effect this had on building her confidence going into new situations.
She's 14 now about to go into new classes for GCSE's next year and not at all fussed.

If your DD can approach this with a positive attitude in year 5 - going into year 6, it will give her confidence when she has to start senior school in year 7.

Please try not to worry. There will be other girls in her new class and you can encourage new friendships by encouraging her to invite different girls over for tea etc. Their friendships chop and change at this age so just go with the flow. You're a good mum who cares, don't beat yourself up wondering if you've done the right thing. Nothing is set in stone.

Would you generally mix a class of children where all well behaved with a class with many more behavioural challenging children? I hope not - my child is in a lovely class, we have been told they will mix next year and I'm really hoping her learning won't be disrupted by more challenging children from the other class

Is she gonna be with the friend she wanted to be with? If so I wouldn't worry.

That’s the thing. She is currently in a lovely class and one reason given by someone whose friends with one of the teachers was that the mixing is due to behaviour problems in the other 2 classes. It seems like our current class was really good and they’ve had to mix it up due to high number of behaviour incidences. I’m also worried about that.

I know there are some lovely people on here(am I allowed to use the word “lovely” 😂) that are telling me not to dwell but I can’t help it, I’m sat here I feel having a mini-breakdown about how stupid I am to request this. There are some really chatty and friendly mums in the other 2 classes I never got to know but seen around and this could have been a good way to get friendly with them. Due to my ND I find it hard just to strike up conversation but being in the sane class would have made it easier. It would also have benefited DD as she should have had more playdates.

I wouldn't worry too much about it, your dd will have friends in the new class and she will still have break and lunch to see this friend.

Friendships change so much at this age, my ds was velcroed to a lad at the age, now in Y5, they're still in the same and barely speak as they've naturally grown apart.

I don't know why people get so precious about stuff like this. The adult world is far harder. Your child will be fine. If anything it'll be good for them.

@Tagyoureit sorry I wasn’t clear - the schools suggested she should not be in sane class as her friend as she only plays with her and has no other friends. But I insisted they should be in same class to keep my DD happy. I wasn’t thinking. Of course it would have been better for her to be in another class to force her to make friends.

Something similar happened to me last week, although this was high school. I was pretty upset on behalf of dd. In the end I managed to get her moved again.

Honestly in a couple of years time you'll realize that it honestly doesn't matter (though it feels like the end of the world at the time)

@Orangeyyq

I'm autistic and things like this takeover my life.

Mine are y7 and y9 now. 3 classes in each year too. I think I'd see how it goes then ask to move her. They may be lots of moves once they see how the kids do (and don't) get on x

Unfortunately yes, that is the very reason why the classes are mixed.

I know parents get upset when their well behaved children’s class is mixed with a challenging class but it’s to spread the load. It’s not really fair that one teacher has 30 children that want to learn, whereas the other class has 20 children that want to learn but can’t due to 10 challenging children who disrupt the class. All children deserve an education so mixing is the fairest way.

@CatMumSlave thank you for understanding. I know I sound frantic but I feel so incredibly overwhelmed and so many emotions that I can’t express I also feel numb and fed up if that makes sense? I’ve been snippy at my kids which I know I shouldn’t be my biggest conbdetn is I messed up svhool would have out her in one of the other 2 classes but I insisted her friend must be in her class. I spoke to teacher today and they said she would have been in one of the other 2 classes but due to my email Saying she wants to be in class with other child I feel I messed up.

I would, certainly. Unfair on the teacher who has the more challenging class, unfair on the other children in that class. Children with behaviour issues often set each other off so some children could benefit from being split up. Children who find it easier to follow rules help set an example to others.

It's the dichotomy that's the issue. 'Sweet and quiet' appears to be valued for girls over 'bossy'. This is problematic. If they were boys they would probably be talked about differently...

One of mine was repeatedly provoked by another child in one year, when the teacher wasn't looking and nothing you could prove, until the child got a reaction out of mine. It was seen as both children having behavioural issues when mine would never start anything. Would those thinking classes with behavioural issues should not be mixed with well behaved classes have condemned my child to stay in a class with this child year after year?

Stop guilt tripping yourself. You cannot make everything alright for your child and they need challenges to become more resilient. Your nerves will be jangling around her at the moment. She’ll pick up on this even if you don’t mean to pass on anxiety.

This situation is going to pass, there may be some bumps along the road but it will be okay. Don’t make this bigger than it is. For all you know she might be about to meet a lifelong friend as a result of all the swapping about.

you have not messed up - you just want the best for your child. But the best for them is to have a mum who can support them through the ups and downs and show them that you have faith they will be fine because you will be there with love and support at the beginning and end of every day. Allow yourself to not carry the weight of this.