Feel like my friend is tone deaf but it’s not really her fault

[Whyomy]

My lovely friend has an extremely privileged set up. Stays at home with one preschool aged DC, has a cleaner twice a week, dog walker, someone to do the washing. She on holiday 3x a year and weekends away pretty much every month. She has a lifestyle most would envy, of course I privately wish I too could stay at home with my DC and not have the stress of work.

I find it really hard to find things we relate to each other about, and she probably does too to be fair to her. I mentioned I had an afternoon off to wait for someone to come and service the boiler and briefly mentioned about how expensive it was. She immediately replied, why not just buy a new boiler? I paused for a minute and she quickly realised it’s not easy for everyone to just do that and then jumped in with, you could sell a car!

I just said, mm maybe and changed the subject quickly. It bothered me and stuck with me. I know she was trying to help but it was unsolicited advice and I’m finding this is happening more and more - she will make a suggestion on how she thinks I could improve my life in some way (trying to be helpful) but it is always something entirely unrealistic and nothing she would ever consider for herself.

I don’t want to be seen like the poor relation and I get a sense she does perceive me in that way. I’m very aware that could just be my own insecurities but it’s hard not to feel that way.

Is there a way we can both get along or is it difficult to maintain friendship when you both have very different lifestyles and ideas?

She is privileged, she could take the time to learn about other people's lifestyles & background, just as you have hers.
If she was a teenager who had never left home or moved around from their parents social circle it would be a little more understandable, but as grown adult it's rather embarrassing for her.

We go a long way back and she used to be very very different, has changed since getting married and staying at home. I get the impression reading between the lines that she isn’t overly fond of staying at home and has her own things to complain about. Grass greener on the other side for both of us I think, but I bet it’s a lot easier to find things to cheer up about when money is never a worry.

She sounds either insufferable or devoid of any self-awareness, only you can tell.

Is she the sort of friend you can have a genuine heart to heart with? Look friend, you may lead a charmed life but surely you must realise not everyone is in a position to just buy a new boiler on a whim, and I'd appreciate you keeping your unsolicited advice to yourself as it makes me feel increasingly uncomfortable.

Failing that, I'd distance myself. Someone who makes you feel like a poor relation is no friend of yours.

I don't think suggesting you sell a car (which indicates you have more then one) means she is tone deaf, I think she knows everyone can't just afford a new boiler so was saying that maybe you could make a cut back elsewhere.

Perfectly normal suggestion tbh.

It’s hard to tell. She tries to understand but I can’t tell if that’s false or genuine anymore. Only buys DC second hand clothing. We went to the shops together and there was a large Marks and Spencer’s, I popped in as I wanted to buy some fresh bread for the weekend and she balked at the price (£2) and said she would much sooner make her own for cheaper. She is frugal in some ways but not in the ways a lot of people would be

I think the difference is, I wasn’t saying we couldn’t afford it. Just more ‘isn’t it annoying how much these things cost, sucks being an adult’ in a lighthearted way and that came out of nowhere. Whilst their very expensive two cars are sitting on the drive. We can’t sell a car, DH and I both heavily rely upon them for work. The irony is my friend could sell a car but would never dream of doing it.

She sounds a bit insecure about her own change of circumstance. I think the friendship can survive if you want it to. You can laugh or roll your eyes a bit if she makes a silly remark and tell her to keep it real.

If, however you get any sense of her looking down on you or others for being less affluent then my thought would be different.

I wouldn’t say she looks down necessarily but is just very aloof and ignorant, in a sense of it doesn’t affect them so why should we she care. Insular maybe is the word. Will ask to take the service charge off at restaurants and will be dubious of charity donations as you ‘don’t know who they’re going to’

This is a new thing, she never used to be that way but is now

then jumped in with, you could sell a car!

sorry but she's an idiot. Even if you don't have much experience with lower income situation, it's pretty obvious that if you have to get rid of a car to pay for something, something is not right.

She is not tone deaf, she's stupid.

Why can’t you just say that selling a car would be impossible because you need it and that buying a new boiler is a major expense especially when it’s fixable. Surely she won’t know if you don’t tell her?

sorry what?

Surely she won’t know if you don’t tell her? Please tell me you are being sarcastic

What the fuck. How is selling the family transportation to servive the boiler a perfectly normal suggestion?

Have you ever done this?

I hope so too. I think OP's friend's tone deafness must be catching on this thread.

Don’t be ridiculous! Selling a car to pay for the boiler, as if! That’s not a normal suggestion! Great we’ve got hot water, but we can’t get to work or take the kids to school.

what's next? Sell a kidney, you only need one?

@BifurBofurBombur

What the fuck. How is selling the family transportation to servive the boiler a perfectly normal suggestion?

Not the family car. A car.

Have you ever done this?

Yes, more then once we have had to sell our second car to get bybecause other things have become a priority.

Obviously this doesn't work and isn't an option for every situation but it's not an unreasonable suggestion either.

I cringed reading that. I don’t think there’s an excuse as an adult to not be aware of cost of living issues happening at the moment, just because they’re not happening to me. If I had someone rant to me about this issue I’d never think it’s my place to suggest selling their car?

@Moveoverdarlin

Don’t be ridiculous! Selling a car to pay for the boiler, as if! That’s not a normal suggestion! Great we’ve got hot water, but we can’t get to work or take the kids to school.

It's only ridiculous if the result of selling the car is that you can't get the children to school, or yourself to work. In many scenarios it can be a reasonable idea.

I can sympathise OP, my sister used to be like this when I was very much the poor relation, little ‘helpful’ comments which were clearly her judging my choices, each one builds up aswell so anything she said in the end offended me.

Tables have changed dramatically in the years since, and I never do the same to her despite her making some dubious financial choices and then asking to lend money….

Must be equally annoying for her to have to pretend she can't afford things when she can.

You are not being unreasonable. I had something very similar and have never forgotten it. We were on the bones of our arse, soup every night poor, and I mentioned to someone I needed new tyres or something, I can't rememebr exactly what, she was like just get them all done at once. Tyres here are at least 100 per tyre. Where she was talking about I should go, they would have been 800 to have replaced.

She sounds like that woman on Mumsnet who, in response to a poster who was in tears because she couldn’t afford a food shop and had also just realised she didn’t have enough petrol to get her to work the next day, breezily suggested she simply buy an electric bike.

She may be financially privileged but certainly not privileged when it comes to brainpower. Nobody, not even the super rich, replaces a boiler every time it needs servicing. I serviced mine once a year when I had one, was I then supposed to just throw it away each year?

I just don’t understand why she does it

Seems very childish.