Feel like my friend is tone deaf but it’s not really her fault

[Whyomy]

My lovely friend has an extremely privileged set up. Stays at home with one preschool aged DC, has a cleaner twice a week, dog walker, someone to do the washing. She on holiday 3x a year and weekends away pretty much every month. She has a lifestyle most would envy, of course I privately wish I too could stay at home with my DC and not have the stress of work.

I find it really hard to find things we relate to each other about, and she probably does too to be fair to her. I mentioned I had an afternoon off to wait for someone to come and service the boiler and briefly mentioned about how expensive it was. She immediately replied, why not just buy a new boiler? I paused for a minute and she quickly realised it’s not easy for everyone to just do that and then jumped in with, you could sell a car!

I just said, mm maybe and changed the subject quickly. It bothered me and stuck with me. I know she was trying to help but it was unsolicited advice and I’m finding this is happening more and more - she will make a suggestion on how she thinks I could improve my life in some way (trying to be helpful) but it is always something entirely unrealistic and nothing she would ever consider for herself.

I don’t want to be seen like the poor relation and I get a sense she does perceive me in that way. I’m very aware that could just be my own insecurities but it’s hard not to feel that way.

Is there a way we can both get along or is it difficult to maintain friendship when you both have very different lifestyles and ideas?

I also don't get the boiler thing tbh.... does she really think anyone (no matter how wealthy) would just buy a new boiler every year rather than servicing their current one? Boilers are long-term pieces of equipment - it would be horrendously wasteful to replace them every time they need a service!

She sounds not very bright, from what you've said.

I also think you need to reframe your thinking on that interaction. You didn't service your boiler because you're an inadequate "poor relation", you serviced your boiler because that's the normal thing to do to maintain a long-term piece of equipment. Same as getting your car serviced.

No, it's not a normal suggestion.

Only someone as thick as mince would think that selling a car to fund a boiler that you don't actually need (because your current one is serviceable) is a sensible idea.

This

and a boiler service doesn’t mean needing a new boiler? Baffled by that.

She might be privileged financially but she is devoid of self awareness and empathy
Once you could overlook but no more
Obviously no one buys a new boiler over a service for £100 or so
I've just spent 2k on a new one
She would buy second hand for " environmental reasons, not lack of money
I can't see any common ground but it's not your fault... and I must say she would grate on me, however close we had been in the past

I have a friend like this! I really like her but we live in different worlds.

I said today I was thinking of booking a holiday and trying to decide where. She sent me a link to a £700 a night hotel in Greece and said it was fab.

She may have overestimated my budget slightly 😆😆

We are friends but I feel we will never be BEST friends as our worlds are too different. My two best mates are much more on my level!

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist

Only someone as thick as mince would think that selling a car to fund a boiler that you don't actually need (because your current one is serviceable) is a sensible idea.

I actually misread the OP and didn't realise it wasn't only a service needed

The only question here for me is why you are friends with someone so irredeemably stupid. You seem to be tying yourself into knots to explain her dopiness as down to privilege or lack of imagination or 'tone deafness', but she just sounds thick.

of course I privately wish I too could stay at home with my DC and not have the stress of work

Do you really? Yet you say yourself she's not happy being a SAHM.

If you don't find much in common/relatable full stop, it doesn't really sound like you have a friendship.

I'm your friend in this situation, and I've also told someone they should sell a car before when they complained to me about money. Because they had 2, one worked from home every day, the other lived a 5 minute walk from their work. They lived on the main road into the city, about a 10 minute walk, and definitely didn't need to be a two car household and have all the costs of running two. Neither car got used except for picking the other one up from town when they couldn't be bothered to walk (able bodied in their 20s). Cutting down on one parking permit alone would have saved them £1000 a year before you even get to insurance, MOTs, value of the car etc.

They didn't even need the money for something specific like a boiler, they just wanted more money.

I asked another friend if she was considering getting a lodger. She was complaining about her rent going up from £500 to £650 a month, living alone in a three storey house in her 30s. Also did not go down well, she seemed oblivious to the fact that no one lives like that (i.e. renting alone in a big house) and her rent was still extremely cheap (and the house is nice, the landlord is on top of repairs etc.).

If people complain to me about something I suggest a potential solution. I don't sympathise, people know not to come to me unless they're looking for a solution because anything else is a waste of time. Either try a potential solution or don't waste your time complaining about it, there's no point. Be bitter or be better.

I think the best course of action is to remind her of her privilege every time you see her so that it is front and centre for the course of your time together. If you can get her to apologise and consider spreading some of her significant privileges to people from disadvantaged communities I think that would also be a big help.

As a friend you need to be holding each other to account for every micro aggression and it’s a big weight on your shoulders, but ultimately it’s for the best. Either she accepts your guidance or she doesn’t in which case she isn’t truly a friend anyway.

@greenpolarbear it's a boiler service, not a new boiler needed, just the standard annual service.

@CinnamonCuirass I think your view is extremely common - as in, a lot of people would agree - but do people have to apologise every time they buy something new or go on holiday?

I have a friend like this, SAHM, amazing cars, holidays etc but very frugal to a ridiculous level on a day to day basis. I think it's because the money isn't hers, DH does all the earning, so she feels she has to show she's not going crazy with his money.
Grass is always greener as you say, I envy her not having to work but I think she feels awkward that she's not financially independent.

To be fair, you're being just as blinkered about her life, and doing exactly what she has done, by suggesting it would be easier for her to sell her car

In your previous post, you mention she's not particularly happy staying at home, therefore I imagine her car represents a lot of freedom and significantly improved her life. Just because she doesn't work, it doesn't mean it's not important.

Perhaps you both need to work a bit harder to see things from each others pov and be less sensitive about comments like this. It's really not a big deal, especially as you say you can afford the repairs anyway. (Or is the issue actually that you are slightly offended that she thought you might not be able to afford it?)

That's not even so much tone deaf as bizarrely lacking in home maintainance awareness. Everyone needs to get their boilers serviced annually.

Out of interest, how much does yours cost? Our excellent local guy charges £60 for the full service.

Exactly, she really does sound ignorant.

I might say to a friend "Oh, I've got to wait in to get the boiler serviced on Thursday - can you believe it costs £x these days?" but I'd be a bit if they then suggested I sell my car to buy a new boiler. Because it's bonkers!

The boiler comment is loopy. Not tone deaf, just plain crackers

why would she have to pretend?

Friend can't afford something, sympathise and agrees it sucks.

You can afford things, just.. be quiet about it. I can afford to go to Tiffany's to buy myself a lovely necklace, do you really need to be told? Who needs to brag about what they can afford?

I imagine the OP complains a lot in general about not having enough money though from the sounds of it.

I think it's very difficult to be friends with someone whose financial situation is very different to your own - it requires a really strong bond and a great deal of tact and sensitivity.

I find with my very well off friend, that things go better if I just tune out certain things and remind myself that we are not in competition - we both made our choices in life. But it helps that we go way back!

Your friend sounds like one of those people whose brain doesn't always engage before the words slip out. If you can find ways to socialise that don't highlight a huge financial disparity and she is generally lovely, I'd try to just let some of her cluelessness wash over you.
When you have a lot of money I think you can forget very easily what it was like not to and can take things for granted.

Yeah she sounds crap. My best friend from secondary school is very wealthy. I am a solo mum and I’m not. It’s never mattered because she’s awesome. She’d never make tactless comments about how I could make my money go further and she has, on occasion, been very generous to me. More than that though she’s just so much fun. I love her and feel very grateful that she taught me self confidence and self belief. Money doesn’t come into it. Being a decent person does.