When/how did you 'find yourself' after having a baby?

[user666555]

Hello,

I'm currently 7 months PP and I feel as though I've lost every part of myself. Don't get me wrong - being a mother is something I've always wanted for myself. I adore my DD and she's at that age now where she's got her own little personality that seems to be developing every day. However, I had a rough pregnancy, had her early and then she ended up having CMPA which meant that the whole experience was a rather difficult.

I feel like I've lost myself so much during this time. I find myself constantly thinking about how my life used to be - I wouldn't change her for the world but I just feel like I wasn't prepared for the emotions/PPD/CMPA etc. I feel like my body has changed a much and I keep weighing myself everyday the last few days worrying that I'll never lose the baby's fat.

I feel guilty for feeling this way, what I'd like to know is when/how did you 'find yourself' again after having a baby?

I love my baby girl but I also want to find myself again whilst loving her.

Thanks

After I returned to work. I was in bits leaving the baby (even though my husband did the last few months of shared paternity leave) but actually once I settled back in I realised I'd missed that part of myself and felt like 'me' again, surrounded by people who value me for me rather than because I'm someone's mum

It took me about 18 months until I felt normal.

As in - mentally, sleeping better, body feeling more back to normal etc.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick that's interesting. I return to work in September (DD will be 9 months) I feel so anxious about it but a part of me is going back to regain some part of 'me' back away from the house. I feel so guilty for feeling this way and I'm constantly wondering if it's selfish of me to do so ☹️. Glad to hear it's been a positive experience for you.

@MidnightPatrol that seems like it's so far away at the moment.

Is there anything you did in particular at 18 months that helped in any way?

Going back to work was great as I could have my own time. Getting dressed normally. Discussing non-baby things. Doing non-baby things.

The biggest thing was sleep though. Just not being permanently sleep deprived.

Started Pilates 1-1. Started back at work. Moved away from mum friends being my only source of companionship and made lots of effort to see old friends.

Do not feel guilty about wanting time away from the house, time to yourself. It doesn't mean you love your DD any less.

I think a few milestones help with feeling yourself again:

• going back to work/getting some regular childcare
• child starting to understand language
• child sleeping better
• stopping breast/bottle feeding

I'm not saying these things can or should be rushed, just that it's helpful to remember that things will be different when they've happened!

I get it OP - I'm in the thick of it. 4 month old baby with reflux (we don't suspect CMPA yet). It's been tough. And I wonder if I'll ever get even part of myself back. I don't have any answers for you but here to

I've always felt "myself" even with kids. Always kept my interests even if it's just listening to podcasts or looking up stuff on my phone. I did gain weight but that was due to being greedy.

I had 'lost myself' a bit in the later stages of pregnancy.

Everything was about the baby - diet, exercise, planning etc. Then after ds was born, ex tried to isolate and belittle me. He started bullying me and treating me with contempt even before we were home from hospital. It was a miserable time, I was tired from a difficult 44hr labour and doing 24 hr care for months. I'd made the mistake of moving into his home.

It all came to a head when ds was about five months old. I'd been to the GP who'd prescribed me ADs. I brought them home, sat and looked at them on the kitchen table and thought 'Fuck that. I'm NOT starting down that path. I'm not depressed. I'm lonely and unhappy, and there's a difference.'

While ex was at work, I updated my cv and started applying for jobs. sorted out interview clothes. Put the word out that I was looking. It took a while but I got a job back in my home town in my old industry, and DS and I walked away.

Moving into a temporary flat with ds, shutting the door, being rid of all the nastiness, that general optimism came flooding back. All the possibilities. 😊It was as if I was remembering how to be me again. Taking back control. That's almost 16 years ago.

Now we live in a lovely rural area, lots of friends, decent job. Ds is waiting for gcse results. I run, practice martial arts, grow fruit. Life is good.

OP, don't feel guilty about going back to work. Your dd needs a optimistic, fulfilled positive mum. She needs you to be happy. Find childcare that you trust and she will have a great time playing with other children. Honestly, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

I was a mess after a very unexpected and horrendeous birth with my child where there was a question mark over her health for over a year (she is fine) so had severe PPA on antidepressants (I wasn’t depressed it was crippling anxiety.

I knew I felt terrible but I then had two more children and realised some of the PPA was par for the course and after #2 and #3 that it really does take a solid year to feel normal again. The hormones, the lack of sleep adjusting to how a new baby impacts the whole family. After returning to work the last two times it took about 4/5 months and I felt like me again.

I need to work, less financial stress and having a bit of space to feel respected and valued and not just constant “Mummy”

OP-go easy on yourself and give yourself grace and time. This will get better and every day is a little closer to feeling good again.

Frankly, having a child changes everything permanently. You’ll see! Good luck with parenthood.

Took me 7 months once I was back at work to feel OK again

My baby is 8 months and I felt exactly the same way you did. I took up reading again, got a kindle unlimited membership, sounds like such a small thing but after she is in bed I take an hour to myself and read a book. It really helps me unwind

I could have written this post.

My LG was premature and a tiny 4lbs, she also had some weakness in her lungs so we spent the first year in and out of hospital every time she had a cold, coupled with breath holding reflux....I lost myself to anxiety, PPD, learning everything I could about her and her health, and just early motherhood.

She's 17 months now and I feel more like myself, but also excited to discover myself again - rather than daunted.

I read a lot about matrescence and found that really resonated and made me accept this part of the journey rather than feeling like a failure for letting motherhood consume me.
Would highly recommend that - to understand the physiological, psychological and emotional reasons why this happens.
Those materials usually have tips on finding yourself.

For me, I decided to accept that pre-baby me, was unlikely to be post-baby me.
I travelled a lot before, and whilst I know you can with a baby I also know I don't fancy it!
I was a hardcore career girl, who'd be at the gym 4am everyday to get the workout in before an 11 hour day of work.
Now I wanted to see my daughter grow up.

That person didn't exist anymore, and was probably a bit lost in her own way, so I decided to find a new one.

I've essentially been trying anything I fancy.
Whether it's food (I'd forgotten what I like to eat!) or a new hobby.
I've done a beekeeping course because I was curious about bees, joined a ladies weight lifting club, had my colours done and completed a paint by numbers in the last month alone.
It's definitely helped as I feel like I'm embracing me by chasing my curiosity.

Of course, my little is quickly becoming a little chatterbox two year old who is far less all consuming so that helps!

I also try to spend more time with original friends than the new mum friends, and stopped checking the NCT group chat.

It was a gradual thing that probably peaked at 18 months for me.
Personally it needed the child to be done breastfeeding, sleeping through the night, I was back to work which brought some autonomy to my day, I had a reason to get dressed up, socialised outside of my child again etc.

Sure you don’t go back to the same person but usually it takes a while to regain some sense of self after having a baby. The early months are such an intense time of someone else’s needs always trumping yours and it takes time for the balance to come back.

Sorry you feel lost OP

I honestly never felt I lost myself so I never needed to find myself.

Although my kids were very much planned and wanted "being a mother" was not something I ever thought about. I had no fixed ideas of what that meant and nothing I was trying to be so no pressure.

I was also overnight before and was after ....there was no baby weight and I wasn't fixated on losing it. Although to be honest being at home more, shopping and cooking rather than working meant I did lose weight.

I went back to work at 10 months for mostly financial reasons but also because I never felt the need to be sole carer to my kids. This gave me independence and time away. I probably was getting bored at home tbh and this was probably key to getting back to myself before I lost touch with that.

Going back to work

Having your first is absolutely life changing, nothing can prepare you.
I remember one day breast feeding from the top, and having a period from the bottom, and wondered where ‘I’ had gone. I felt like a dairy cow. As if I was nothing other than a reproducing machine. I cried and felt lost, so I went back to work. That was the change I needed, people saying thank you to me, DH having to step up and do some of the drudge work.

After they left home at 18 and 19!

Started to feel better when DD was 5 months and my DH was on summer holidays (he's a teacher) so I could get decent stretches of sleep and time to myself. Improved further after going back to work for a couple of days a week when DD was 6 months. Good luck OP - if you're feeling really down, don't discount medication and talking therapy. My PP hormones did a real number on me!

Mine is 4 yo and I still miss bits of the old life. But there's no going back. I went back to work but it's not the same. And, well, you have to make choices. Pre-baby I did a hobby 6x a week. If I did that now I'd never see her (and dh would probably divorce me). So something that was a massive part of my life for 20 years is pretty much gone. I still go once a week but I'll never be anywhere near as good as I was. Also, I developed Hashimoto's somewhere between pregnancy and pp and it's a constant faff on trying to feel well now. I am trying very hard to a) accept that change as I age etc is unavoidable b) carve out the me time and appreciate the bits I get - theatre, time with friends, listening to adult music, reading, gardening c) enjoy as much of my time with dc as possible, as it's looking ever more likely I'll only have 1.

For me going back to work helped massively. I think having a baby teaches you a lot about yourself and I realised I thrive on routine and getting out of the house. Being with my work mates and having other things to talk about than babies was good for my mental health too.

This naturally coincided with weaning and better sleep as the babies got older and I started to feel like a human being again instead of just a nappy and milk provider!

For me it was in stages - back to work, then more when he finally finally slept through, then even more when he went off to school and now he’s a teen even more because they basically don’t want to hang out with you that much so far more time for own hobbies and interests. But it’s not so much finding old me but a new me who is both a mum and her own person. I could have written your post back then - including difficult pregnancy, birth and CMPA! Always felt a bit cheated out of a honeymoon period - it was just really quite difficult early on.