When/how did you 'find yourself' after having a baby?

[user666555]

Hello,

I'm currently 7 months PP and I feel as though I've lost every part of myself. Don't get me wrong - being a mother is something I've always wanted for myself. I adore my DD and she's at that age now where she's got her own little personality that seems to be developing every day. However, I had a rough pregnancy, had her early and then she ended up having CMPA which meant that the whole experience was a rather difficult.

I feel like I've lost myself so much during this time. I find myself constantly thinking about how my life used to be - I wouldn't change her for the world but I just feel like I wasn't prepared for the emotions/PPD/CMPA etc. I feel like my body has changed a much and I keep weighing myself everyday the last few days worrying that I'll never lose the baby's fat.

I feel guilty for feeling this way, what I'd like to know is when/how did you 'find yourself' again after having a baby?

I love my baby girl but I also want to find myself again whilst loving her.

Thanks

Once I returned to work, I enjoyed the routine we made and going back to a job that was challenging and used my brain.

Might sound cringey, but I found myself after having a baby. It’s the stage of life I’ve found most fulfilling and I didn’t go back to full-time work. I have gone and done courses and do struggle with what to do next for me… but in my late 40s I think that would be happening to me anyway

Mainly when I went back to work.

I started running on a Saturday morning once I was recovered from the c section. It was just half an hour but made a real difference- time for myself, out of the house. It made me feel better physically and mentally and because it was a short time I could fit it in between feeds. Gradually I also started going one night in the week as well whilst DP was doing bedtime and aimed for a park run. Was never a runner before but it really got me into it

I didn't go back to work, in my case what helped was
Getting more sleep helped by child getting older and making DH get up on his days off

Clothes: I stopped holding off buying nice clothes until I lost the baby weight and I bought clothes I actually liked rather than what would fit in with middleclass mums in playgroups

Cull negative influence: I cut out or minimised contact with people who I didn't feel good in their company for one reason or another, I stopped reading parenting books like Gina Ford.

Breastfeeding reduced as child got older so I felt more my own.

Exercise: It honestly works wonder for the mind.

Gratitude: instead of thinking I'm fat, my house is a mess I would think my body is amazing for having this child and breastfeeding, I would think it's fine the mess can be cleared up quickly and it doesn't have to be show home, at least I have a home and I'm warm and dry... that kind of talk back challenging negative inner critic talk really helped me.

As for the time scale it wasn't one specific thing it was getting pieces of me back and realising some of the old pieces of my identity then I actually don't want back or are better off in their new form now. I'm still very much a mum, with my identity around my DC and they are teenagers!

So I would lean into being a mum and accepting it, some parts are miles better than pre DC. What I was missing wasn't all that when I really broke it down

Agree with some others that going back to work was the first step. Once youre out and about, you can see friends for a drink/dinner after work, start making plans with friends at weekends, go to gym classes, do all the things that you used to before kids. Its hard to squeeze it in around nursery drops off, wanting to be back in time to see your DC before bed but if you and your partner can work out a good balance youll be flying high in no time.

This stage youre in is hard, it was the same time I started to struggle a bit, lose confidence etc.

Also try intermittent fasting for weight loss if you are feeling low on that front.

I went back to work. We weren’t designed to be FT parents.

For me, when I went back to work.

I found maternity leave #1 lovely and whilst I love being a mum (and have discovered myself in that sense) I found the whole period of maternity leave very all-consuming. I found it hard to see a life beyond the end of it. I felt smothered by it and almost scared of life outside the baby bubble.

When I went back to work, I realised how a huge part of me had been missing for the last year. I suddenly felt more like myself, was happy and capable beyond motherhood. I felt like I hadn't felt in ages and I realised how much I missed it and that I am a better mum when I am this person too.

I am on leave again but this time taking less time for this reason (and my mental health).

I miss myself again (!) but am trying to feel like me again through small things - ie having my nails and eyelashes done, losing weight to get back into my pre-birth clothes. Baby steps.

I hope that helps you - you are not alone!

My second DC just turned 18 months and I feel like the fog is lifting and I am slowly turning back into myself. I remember this from last time too - even more when he started school.

The first year is survival - you won’t always feel this way. Try to carve out some time in the day that’s just for you if you can, even if it’s just 30 mins during nap time.

I had terrible pnd. I just couldn’t see that I needed medication (I had been on it previously but came off before I started ttc) and I kept refusing it. When I eventually started taking it again, I gradually started to feel a lot better. I remember wondering in the first year if I would ever feel like “myself” again. Truthfully, I never went back to feeling the way I did before I got pregnant. I look different now too and dress different and in a lot of ways I feel like a totally different person, but it’s not a bad thing. I’m just in a different stage of my life. It seems to make a big difference to a lot of women when they have a job to return to though. I wasn’t working even before I had my dd, now I’m a sahm and I’m basically unemployable even if I was well enough to work so that makes it harder in ways. We went through some other big life changes like buying a house after I had my dd which contributed to feeling like I’d lost my identity, so I think it depends so much on circumstances.
The advice I would give is to try not to get too bogged down thinking about it because sometimes these thoughts can just come from being at a low ebb/ lack of sleep etc. You have to take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to adjust. It is a big, big change. If the feeling doesn’t go away, gets worse or you feel generally low in your mood, go to your gp x

I'm a sahm and I didn't have child free time until my toddler was 2 and went to preschool. She went for 15 hours initially and that gave me the chance to go to the gym, visit galleries, do an art class and do sports.

I didn't mind being focused on my dc for the first couple of years. I believe she needed that attention and I feel lucky to have been able to spend that time with her, and I really enjoyed all the activities we did.

Going back to work. I know a lot of people don’t approve of this perspective but I don’t feel like right if I am not working. After nine months of mat leave I was desperate to go back.

Going back to work made me a much better parent

I really agree with this. Little by little, bit by bit.

My youngest is now six and I've been in a very good place since he was 4/5. But it's a 'new' me, not a return to the old me.

Hang in there. Where you are now is probably the toughest stage.

When the youngest went to school, around a term after he started in reception started to feel normal again. I did work before that, but struggled with leaving them which was crippling mentally. At 4 years old the mum guilt eased off a bit so that was nice.

8 years old has been bit of a turning point too - feel like I'm ds's scaffolding and cheerleader now, rather than the centre of his universe which is quite liberating.

I imagine it's a similar step-change when they become teenagers too.

Agree. I would have been a terrible SAHM.

I'm 3 months PP and thankfully I don't feel like I've lost myself and I'm enjoying everything despite being on my own as my husband works overseas. I actually shamefully don't want to go back to work and I was senior leadership before I went off on mat leave.

Things that have helped me:

Good Diet: As soon as I stopped bleeding I focused on losing my baby weight through my diet and have lost a fair bit so far but I still have a few lbs to go. Quick healthy meals that can be flung together easily when baby is sleeping really helped. I would eat salads with pre cooked chicken, tray bake style meals with random veg and either chicken thighs or sausage meat etc that was quick and filling.
I didn't allow myself to go down the path of eating take aways, crisps, chocolate etc (partly because I don't want to spend my maternity pay on it and also because it takes the same amount of time to eat a take away curry as it would a baked chicken breast with some veg and a bag of microwave rice) I think the nutritious food has helped me keep my energy levels up despite the lack of sleep.

Feeding: I chose not to breast feed for multiple reasons. This has allowed my husband (when home from work) and grand parents to chip in which means I'm not attached to my baby 24/7 and I can get other stuff done. If it's option for you to FF I would recommend considering it.

Time to myself: When my husband isn't working I go to the gym, get my nails done, get my hair done etc and I don't allow myself to feel guilty about it. My baby is fine, she's safe and she'll be delighted to see me when I get back

Keeping up with friends: I've made sure to book things with friends like pram walks, people popping over or going to baby classes to make new friends that stops me being stuck in the house. We can talk about baby stuff but a lot of the time the conversation naturally progresses to finding out about other interests/careers/hobbies etc. Can you get out a bit more to some mum and baby groups?

Hello,

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and your tips.

As many of you have mentioned I'm trying to change my mentality to accepting what is rather than wishing away time whilst being hopeful that the milestones many of you benefitted from (going back to work/when baby goes to nursery) will hopefully allow me to feel a bit more 'normal' again although I'm not going to expect to every fully feel normal!

Sorry, I forgot to come back on this post!