For those of you saying school refusal is a fad, and we should just 'make' them go to school,

[onemummatwokids]

Try reasoning with a 13 year old who is standing on a stepstool on a balcony on the 14th floor, leaning out and in mental anguish.

If I had so much as COME CLOSE to him, he would have jumped, 100% sure of that.

Was I supposed to use The Force to drag him to school?

It is so hard. My DS was almost suicidal last year at only 6 and to hear the things he was saying about himself was heartbreaking. He internalised so much from school and no amount of reassurance from us could counteract the message that he was bad and shouldn't be around other people.

It's taken 18 months of fighting to get him a specialist placement and I'm hoping it will help but I'm dreading the teenage years as he just won't cope.

School is not for everyone

I would never ever force my child to go to school if they were a suffering there - what would it achieve?

Id look into alternatives- there’s an online school for example

It is very silly when people use examples that are obviously extreme cases to try and downplay a reasonable question as to why some parents don't parent their children.

It's a well-known fact that some households have no respect for education and therefore will not encourage their children to attend school.

These children, in most cases, are not ill or going through mental trauma. They just don't want to go to school. Is it then wrong for someone to question why their parents won't force them - yes, force them to attend school?

When toddlers don't want to go to the park but you know it's good for them. You don't give in and and say, it's easier to stay home. Nope, you scoop them up and off to the park you all go. And surprise, surprise, once in the park, they have a brilliant time and now they don't want to return home afterwards. You don't sleep in the park because it's easier. No, you scoop them up and off you go back home. Because parents are the decision makers. Not children.

How do you scoop up a 12 year old?

In some cases, a robust no nonsense approach is appropriate and the child will go to school if they know it's not optional, and be OK once they're in the school building

In other cases, children really can't cope and trying to force them to attend would be totally counterproductive and perhaps impossible anyway, unless you're willing to risk being reported to police for assault

@Summerose oh yes i would have agreed with you until it happened to my youngest.

He started being sick on the way to school, then being sick during school. At one point aged 8 I had to chase him around the house or up the road to get hold of him as he wouldn't get in the car.
Then once in the car I had to put the child lock on the doors as once he opened the door while we were moving and tried to jump out.

With incredible support from school we got him through it. But he is now diagnosed with ASD which explains a lot.

And in case it's relevant, this is a wonderful little private prep school. He is now at a brilliant senior private school and the problem hasn't recurred.

But you should walk a day in another mother's shoes.

I used to scoop mine up aged 8. He's now 14 and 6ft, so if it does happen again he's staying here!!!

I think one thing people who claim parents aren't parenting their children are missing is this. When your child is school refusing you naturally look around for advice. Advice from places like Young Minds is 'do not force your child into school' with warnings about how it will make things worse and damage their mental health and your relationship with them.

Meanwhile many schools advise forcing them in.

You feel absolutely stuck between a rock and a hard place as a parent.

My daughter doesn't refuse school as such but this year, year 9, she has become absolutely distraught about school. Crying, begging, pleading not to go in. She doesn't eat or sleep, she barely speaks. She's like a different child in term time to how she is in the holidays. She's a good girl who hates getting into trouble so she won't outright refuse to go in but I can't ignore that level of distress.

We've had some help from the school but it's like pulling teeth. She is one of many struggling and I don't think they have the resources to help them all.

We're looking at moving schools and if that doesn't help, online schooling. But bloody hell, I wish it was something that could be easily fixed!

Posted this on the other thread, I hear you op.

I forced my daughter in. She ended up having a massive overdose at 14 and when admitted to high dependency it was discovered she was Anorexic and had been self harming to cope.

'When toddlers don't want to go to the park but you know it's good for them. You don't give in and and say, it's easier to stay home. Nope, you scoop them up and off to the park you all go. And surprise, surprise, once in the park, they have a brilliant time and now they don't want to return home afterwards. You don't sleep in the park because it's easier. No, you scoop them up and off you go back home. Because parents are the decision makers. Not children."

You can't stick a teenager under your arm and carry them off.

Let's take that toddler example then.

You force your toddler to the park and they sit and cry the entire time..they don't play with anything. They just cry..not tantrum, just upset and not playing. They don't go near the equipment or run around or engage with other kids.

You think it's an off day so you take them again and the same thing happens. And again. And again.

At some point you surely think, my kid is getting nothing from going to this park, it's just upsetting them. Maybe we try a different park or don't go to the park at all? Maybe we get exercise and fresh air a different way?

And a half hour in a fun park with mum is a world away to all day in a school
a teen is struggling to cope in.

Sensory overload in undiagnosed autistic children is a big factor in many cases. Schools are often hot, noisy, airless, crowded, with uncomfortable bright strip lighting.
I read a very interesting book by an autistic man who later became a teacher in which he talked about how much he struggled as a child in a modern open plan school building where there was constant background noise from other classes. Then his parents moved and luckily he ended up in a school in a Victorian building with high ceilings and no noise leakage from other classes and suddenly he was able to cope much better.

I did this initially, but my daughter came down with a bunch of anxiety related illnesses. Now she’s a teen and we’re trying to recover without resorting to anti anxiety medication. So much avoidable damage. I would recommend any parent to remove their kids rather than risk long term mental health issues.

@Gelasring
My daughter doesn't refuse school as such but this year, year 9, she has become absolutely distraught about school. Crying, begging, pleading not to go in. She doesn't eat or sleep, she barely speaks. She's like a different child in term time to how she is in the holidays. She's a good girl who hates getting into trouble so she won't outright refuse to go in but I can't ignore that level of distress.

Please take her out and let her do online schooling. It has been lovely watching my daughter blossom and start enjoying life again

I think the word “refusal” or “refuser” doesn’t help. It makes it sound as if the child or young person is simply being obstinate or difficult. It’s usually a case of can’t rather than won’t. It’s anxiety, fear and even terror based avoidance of a situation and environment that is damaging for many. There are tens of thousands of wonderful parents struggling with this in the UK right now, it’s a complex, widespread issue.

I agree with this. My dd with ASD could cope in her tiny preparatory school, which had rather old-fashioned architecture and rigid routines but even there, she found the playground and dining halls very stressful and noisy.

She couldn’t cope at all when she got to secondary school. She could endure structured lessons but she went to pieces during breaks. She had no friends. She found the chaos and noise overwhelming. Thankfully she could take sandwiches and could eat them outside on her own, without having to enter the dining hall which made her nauseous to the point of vomiting, but she was highly stressed all of the time by the lighting, noise, constant activity. She became virtually mute in class and sat at the back. She had no friends. She was bullied for being a nerd.

Every day she came home quiet as a mouse in the car but then had enormous melt downs which were frightening. She could mask at school but couldn’t keep up the pretence once she was back in the safety of her home. We all suffered but most of all her.

She was constantly exhausted and took more time off than she should. She struggled through to the end of school but it took a huge toll emotionally on her and on us. How I wish I had got her the ASD assessment earlier but I didn’t know anything about it before.

She was diagnosed with ASD in her first year of university. She still has huge difficulties but she can cope much better now.

Well done you!!!

It pains me to say that I used to be this delusional…. Boy did I find out the hard way.

Just heartbreaking to read some of these comments. The combination of social media and covid has really done a number on a lot of kids, and by kids I include those in their early 20s, as I don't think we're fully adult until our mid-20s.

My daughter wasn't doing great before covid, but covid really took away what little peer support she had, and it's taken a lot to get her back on track again emotionally, socially, and educationally.

@Summerose we did pick up our toddler and take her to nursery when she didn't want to go. We tried all the tricks to make the mornings better. It kept getting worse.

Then she struggled with her clothes, she could dress herself fine but it was like her clothes were on fire. We tried all the tricks to get her dressed. It kept getting worse.

We spoke to nursery, they said she was fine, no issues there, surprised that we were on our knees with her. But they did ask to do a referral to SaLT because she barely spoke there, I said no because at home she never stopped talking (inbetween the screaming meltdowns).

Eventually she reached the point that she couldn't wear clothes at all anymore. When I left the house for my own MHs sake she was DESPERATE to come with me and she tried to put clothes on but she couldn't. At one point didn't leave the flat at all for 2 weeks.

We went into nursery and we saw her there, she was shut down and just trying to hold herself together. When he dad went to say hi to her, she wouldn't come to us, she burst into tears. I regret not taking her home that day. We saw her in nursery one more time on leavers party day, when it was time for parents to go her key person who she clearly has zero bond with, tried to pry her off me. We took her home. We took our poor burnt out 3.5 year old home almost exactly 2 years ago and she hadn't been dropped off an any sort of activity/setting since. God I wish we could drop her off but most settings are not a safe environment for her.

She's since been diagnosed as autistic. That assessment caused 6 weeks of burnout, 2 hours was all it took.

We don't force her to be constantly anxious and uncomfortable and she can wear clothes and live.