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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cut them off

44 replies

Suitcasesthree · 02/07/2024 18:07

This is all going to sound so petty and in parts unbelieveable but here goes.

I have just returned from a holiday with my DD, parents and brother. Brother has had some problems with drink and drugs and almost died in earlier in the year. He had an intensive detox but is drinking again. Very heavily, in fact. I didn't know just how heavily as I don't want my DD around any alcoholics.

My parents support his every whim and fancy, giving him money for beer and vapes. Yet he still took and broke my vapes. Taking them from my hand and my room while I slept. I said no and what followed was a sustained campaign of abuse. He called me fat, shouted in a restaurant that I looked pregnant, called me disgusting, shouted at my partner when he was on facetime, tried to push me off the balcony, called me ugly and many more things including lying about things I had supposedly done. He called he dogshit, told me to fuck off and kept doing so under his breath. I caught him telling two strangers that I was crazy and he told the hotel kids club that I didn't want my DD.

My parents did nothing to defend me all week. In fact they sided with him. It ended with me fighting back tears while the three of them trash talked me at dinner as if I wasn't there.

Before that I'd wanted to put my mums phone on vibrate as brother's constant ringing for more money was waking my DD. I reached out for it saying, can I just put this on vibrate and my dad snatched it up and held it close to him. I said, I'm not going to take it or break it and he said, well we don't know that. You might.

I am so disappointed that my parents didn't back me up and actively joined in with the abuse. AIBU to just cut the three of them off with no explanation? I am so sick of being treated poorly.

OP posts:
soscarlet · 02/07/2024 18:33

They all sound as bad as each other! I’d definitely cut them off.

Redshoeblueshoe · 02/07/2024 18:35

Absolutely cut them all off

wp65 · 02/07/2024 18:36

This does not sound petty at all, it sounds horrifying! For the love of god, please protect yourself and your DD and go ahead with cutting them off. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this toxic shitshow.

takealettermsjones · 02/07/2024 18:38

I don't know why you didn't take your DD and go home after five minutes of this shit. Yes, cut them off!

Suitcasesthree · 02/07/2024 18:50

I've blocked their numbers and on the dds ipad as they were calling there. We have been home 3 hours. Utter madness. I didn't go home as abroad and flights would have wiped me out for a month. I wish I could have.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 02/07/2024 18:53

Is this the first time they have behaved like this or is there a history of this with your parents in particular?

Suitcasesthree · 02/07/2024 18:57

They have always favoured brother and have supported him all his adult life. Nothing I do is ever good enough. This is the first time I realised that they actually didn't care at all what he put me through.

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 02/07/2024 19:00

What explanation is necessary?

DollyBelle · 02/07/2024 19:56

Sadly your brother is an addict and for some reason your parents are enabling him. They probably think they are doing it out of love but all they are doing is enabling him to abuse substances which are killing him.
His treatment of you is appalling OP. I am sure so many people on here can relate. Even loved ones who have been kind when sober turn into vile creatures when high and/or drunk. He doesn’t care about you because he doesn’t care about himself. All he cares about his next drink or fix of whatever he is using.
If he has been to rehab and started up again then that’s on him.
I know Al-Anon are very good at supporting loved ones just like you. You are not powerless in this, in that it’s time to remove him from your life while he is not sober.
(And even if he pops up sober at some point, you don’t have to get involved!)
Your parents. They probably think you are the ‘sorted’ child so are giving all of their attention to the one they think needs it. It is absolutely horrific for you to be anywhere near this toxic triangle, so again remove yourself.
Are they drinking with your brother? If they are, then that’s a common dynamic.
You are so hurt right now, looking for answers and wanting to be treated with some kindness. For anyone reading who has been close to addiction, they will tell you for now it’s fruitless. Fairness and kindness don’t exist in this pattern.
But it exists for you, in your world, in the circle of your real loved ones and close friends. Keep them close and spend time doing things you enjoy. Go back to basics.
Leave your brother to his demons and your parents for enabling him. Addiction is a disease and your brother will only get well when he chooses, and commits to, sobriety.
Choose yourself OP

EveryOtherNameTaken · 02/07/2024 20:24

They are horrible. Keep them blocked.

Julyshouldbesunny · 02/07/2024 20:27

You are under no obligation to have any sort of relationship with them. They have no rights to your dc.. Remember that if they try to guilt you into allowing them contact... Ime you can't have decent dgps out of shite dps...

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/07/2024 20:29

YANBU. Cut them off. It all sounds horribly twisted and sad. They are nothing but negative.

Good luck in a life free of their madness.

Mouswife · 02/07/2024 20:30

They like him being an addict, it means they are always needed and he’ll never have a life to leave them for.

block them all and don’t look back. Please don’t expose your daughter to any more of this.

ThatsMeYoureTalkingAbout · 02/07/2024 20:32

Cut them out.

You'll find your life a whole lot more peaceful

GoneFishingToday · 02/07/2024 20:37

I'm so sorry that you had your holiday spoiled by your shit brother and your parents OP. However, you are definitely not being unreasonable to shut them out of the lives of you and your child. There's a saying 'You can chose your friends but you can't chose your family', however there's nothing in the rule book that says you have to put up with bad treatment from ANYONE, so well done for blocking them. Keep them blocked, and move on with your life without being dragged into the drama that they're happy to live in.

JoBoJoBo · 02/07/2024 20:47

Curious what did your partner say when your family were being awful to you ?I would write a LL etter to your Mum telling her how you fell and what your brother said to you.

confessionsfromadreamer · 02/07/2024 21:00

My guess is they feel terribly guilty and worried about your brother and just want to brush it under the carpet and play happy families to avoid reality. Hence why they find his lifestyle and try to keep the peace when he is playing up, at your expense.

I think there might be an element of them projecting their guilt and anguish onto you, maybe they aren't the problem, maybe their DS isn't the problem... what if you're the problem. That might be a narrative they prefer to accountability of their own.

confessionsfromadreamer · 02/07/2024 21:05

*Fund his lifestyle

Also YANBU, if you don't rely on parents for childcare or anything like that just cut them all off. I would imagine they will come crawling back once they realise they have caused double the problems for themselves.

As for your DS, alcoholism and addiction is toxic. I grew up with one as my mother and I had to cut her off after decades of yearning, hoping, longing for her to change. You're worth more than being around his drama.

confessionsfromadreamer · 02/07/2024 21:06

*DB not DS

BMW6 · 02/07/2024 21:07

You'd be unreasonable NOT to cut them all out of your lives completely.

If your parents and/or brother continue to harrass, call at your house or in any way contact you then consider a restraining order or Police if he is threatening.

Apart from your own wellbeing you need to protect your DH and child from them. They are beyond AWFUL.

Flowers
SantasRubiksCube · 02/07/2024 21:15

So sorry that they treated you so awfully, your poor DD must of been witness to at least some of this and was probably very upsetting for both of you. Do not feel under any obligation to stay in contact with any of them, they made their choices by the way they have disrespected you, it sounds as though all they have to offer you is stress and misery, please don't let them put that onto your child as well. It's a sad situation to be in but one day you'll look back and feel proud that you protected your DD from their damaging and destructive ways if you cut them off.

Suitcasesthree · 03/07/2024 08:49

A pp asked about what my partner thinks. He is appalled and broken hearted. We knew there was a big problem with him, but never dreamed that brother would target me this way. Brother claims to love my DD and uses her as his 'higher power', something that I am not entirely comfortable with.
As the abuse escalated to unbareable on day 4 of 7 we debated DP coming out to us or us going home. DP is self employed and was planning on working like crazy for the week but that didn't happen as every time he called, something else kicked off. We'd be chatting and laughing and then brother would appear and start up again. I was mortified.

Considering brother was still being awful all the way to the carpark, and then called DD yesterday evening before I blocked him, I think looking into a restraining order is something to consider in future. We got in our car and locked the doors, while dickhead tried opening her door and neither of us looked back.

My parents are Christians and therefore believe they need to help him. Sadly, help is now enablement and I think they are so enmeshed with him that they can't see which way is up anymore. I do know that instead of protecting a violent bully who was kicking off, they should have been protecting their little granddaughter who was in bed having her story. She ended up terrified and wanting to call the police with me considering possible escape routes. I held out thinking that any minute my dad would come and get us. He never came.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 03/07/2024 08:58

Suitcasesthree · 03/07/2024 08:49

A pp asked about what my partner thinks. He is appalled and broken hearted. We knew there was a big problem with him, but never dreamed that brother would target me this way. Brother claims to love my DD and uses her as his 'higher power', something that I am not entirely comfortable with.
As the abuse escalated to unbareable on day 4 of 7 we debated DP coming out to us or us going home. DP is self employed and was planning on working like crazy for the week but that didn't happen as every time he called, something else kicked off. We'd be chatting and laughing and then brother would appear and start up again. I was mortified.

Considering brother was still being awful all the way to the carpark, and then called DD yesterday evening before I blocked him, I think looking into a restraining order is something to consider in future. We got in our car and locked the doors, while dickhead tried opening her door and neither of us looked back.

My parents are Christians and therefore believe they need to help him. Sadly, help is now enablement and I think they are so enmeshed with him that they can't see which way is up anymore. I do know that instead of protecting a violent bully who was kicking off, they should have been protecting their little granddaughter who was in bed having her story. She ended up terrified and wanting to call the police with me considering possible escape routes. I held out thinking that any minute my dad would come and get us. He never came.

Why didn’t you leave?

Goodadvice1980 · 03/07/2024 09:02

LoveWine123 · 03/07/2024 08:58

Why didn’t you leave?

The OP has already explained that further up in a post.

Theoldbird · 03/07/2024 09:08

this is appalling. yes cut the lot of them off. and stay strong when they try to suck you back in