To cut them off

[Suitcasesthree]

This is all going to sound so petty and in parts unbelieveable but here goes.

I have just returned from a holiday with my DD, parents and brother. Brother has had some problems with drink and drugs and almost died in earlier in the year. He had an intensive detox but is drinking again. Very heavily, in fact. I didn't know just how heavily as I don't want my DD around any alcoholics.

My parents support his every whim and fancy, giving him money for beer and vapes. Yet he still took and broke my vapes. Taking them from my hand and my room while I slept. I said no and what followed was a sustained campaign of abuse. He called me fat, shouted in a restaurant that I looked pregnant, called me disgusting, shouted at my partner when he was on facetime, tried to push me off the balcony, called me ugly and many more things including lying about things I had supposedly done. He called he dogshit, told me to fuck off and kept doing so under his breath. I caught him telling two strangers that I was crazy and he told the hotel kids club that I didn't want my DD.

My parents did nothing to defend me all week. In fact they sided with him. It ended with me fighting back tears while the three of them trash talked me at dinner as if I wasn't there.

Before that I'd wanted to put my mums phone on vibrate as brother's constant ringing for more money was waking my DD. I reached out for it saying, can I just put this on vibrate and my dad snatched it up and held it close to him. I said, I'm not going to take it or break it and he said, well we don't know that. You might.

I am so disappointed that my parents didn't back me up and actively joined in with the abuse. AIBU to just cut the three of them off with no explanation? I am so sick of being treated poorly.

To be honest in light of her last post where she mentions threats of physical abuse and thoughts of a restraining order and escape routes, wild horses would not have been able to keep me there. Imagine the fear that child must have felt too. In any case, cutting contact off will be the right thing to do for me.

Good god, cut them off! Don't even think about it. How horrible.
A higher power should not be a living person, they explain that in rehab. Don't worry about your DD being his HP as such, it's not a religious thing - but he is not following/understanding AA properly if he says she's his HP.

You don't owe them any explanation, in fact it sounds like the opposite is true. But they'll know why anyway.

They sound awful and it's not a healthy family dynamic at all. I'm sorry that you are treated like that.
Your DD is the most important person in this. She is frightened of him and them. Never mind him saying she is his "higher power". That's seriously messed up.

You aren't going to make things better with them or right. Look after your DD, stay away from them and build your own little family group with love. I wish you well. I'm sure that you will find life so much better without all of this drama.

I am so sorry this happened to you and I want to give you a hug. 🤗 I'm so glad you have a solid partner who, it sounds like, is supportive of you in all this. Yes, a thousand times, cut them off!

You might be feeling sad about the time and money wasted on the holiday, but look on it as an investment - this is the price of finding out, without question, that they are unhealthy and possibly dangerous for you and your daughter to be around. Indisputable proof that you would be right to end contact with their toxic triangle.

It might be hard at first, but I bet you'll feel a great sense of relief that you don't have to deal with them again in future. And your daughter will grow up secure in the knowledge that her parents will always act to protect her. Even if she's too young to 'know' know, that feeling will be there.

Good luck and all strength to you!

@Suitcasesthree so sorry this happened. I’m not someone thinks NC is always the answer but I’m with you that this time it is the only answer and only way for you to preserve your own sanity.

It is them, not you. I know it will be hard but you described it right - parents are enabling it, you can’t do anything; parents need to see it for themselves.

I would go NC and they have no right to have the reason explained to them, if they behave like that they won't understand it anyway.

https://famanon.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5978&sid=b7f36f2da828fb5e14043672b6b42eff
No contact is the only way for you and your family. This will get worse.
You will find lots of people who are in similar situations above and tons of support for you in a non judgemental atmosphere.

Thanks everyone. There's a lot of wisdom here and also echoes a lot of what my partner and I have discussed.

I think you should write to your parents to tell them that you will not have any contact with them or DB in future, that your DD was thoroughly frightened by her uncles behaviour and consequently all contact in any way, shape or form ends NOW.

Tell them that this is totally supported by DD and your DH and any attempts to continue contact will be considered as Harrasment and Police will be consulted.

In fact it may be worth the £££ in getting a Solicitor to write the letter.

Good advice, and yes, I know it's expensive to get a solicitor involved but your brother sounds unhinged Suitcasesthree, I would consider it an investment against any further harassment especially considering his weird attachment to your DD. I'm so sorry this all happened

A quick update on this. I went NC and blocked them all on everything.

My parents have been calling XH asking him to tell me to contact them. They contacted him Friday to ask DDs location for the weekend. She was with him as DP and I were working an event so XH told them all the plans. He also said they were welcome to go to his house to see DD if they left brother at home. I did not know about this until I got back, but DD didn't want to see them as it happened so they didn't visit. I don't like them contacting XH. He claims he is 'on no one's side', but I feel he is thoroughly enjoying the drama by disclosing my whereabouts to them.

I didn't realise my brother had been added to a messenger group 18 months ago with my DP, his colleagues and I for the purpose of having brother doing some work for DP. Friday night brother decided to call the messenger group. No one answered because they were all busy preparing for the event, and I didn't see because he is blocked.

He went on to message several times asking me to get in touch, saying that I am using DD as a weapon and that the longer I stay NC, the worse it will be for me. No apology, just more threats. The group has been closed and colleagues have also blocked him.

I looked at my blocked call list, my mother has been calling up to 6 times each day since July.

I am concerned that they are going to launch some sort of legal complaint, try to damage our business or contact social services. What on earth do I do to make them leave me alone?

I thought about writing to them to explain why I'd like them to leave me alone but would it add more to the flames.

Sorry your still getting harassed/threatened by them, they are panicking that they no longer have so much control and power over you so are being as low down and dirty as they can. Rather then respecting your wishes for no contact they will likely try to contact you through other people but please don't go back, you've done well to keep them away and should be proud of yourself. I don't think writing to them will make any difference, they won't listen to reason or accept any blame or that they have done anything wrong, it will just prolong the to and fro between you and them. I would however keep any evidence of threats etc. So that if they do steep so low as to go to social services, you can prove why they are doing it (and possibly you could go to the police if they continue to harass you but I don't have experience of that so don't know how helpful they can be).

Wow, that sounds awful Op. before the holiday when you saw your parents, how would they be? How's your relationship when not around DB?

“I am concerned that they are going to launch some sort of legal complaint, try to damage our business or contact social services. What on earth do I do to make them leave me alone?”

As you are now, by any definition, being harassed and threatened (possibly with violence) it’s time to take it very very seriously, contact the police and a lawyer and start the process of restraining order/s.

I am genuinely worried for you and your daughter’s safety.

I would write to them and put in writing what you need them to know. Keep blocking, and if they send you anything back, mark it return to sender.

I would say that due to your brothers menacing and threatening behaviour and their lack of response or help for you and your DD, you will not be available to any of them for the foreseeable future. If in future they can hold your brother to normal acceptable standards of conduct, and treat you with love, support and care you may consider trying to rebuild a relationship with them but this will have to wait until you feel ready, and you cannot guarantee when this will be. However, right now their relationship with you and your DD has been so damaged by their actions that they are not to call, write to or use any other means to contact you. If there are any further threats or harassment you will take legal advice. They have no right to access to your DD and you will not allow for her to be exposed to situations like those on holiday which frightened and upset her.

@xyz111 They've always been controlling towards me. I don't fit their mould for me and this upsets them. I had it where I would ignore my mother's comments to me and was happy to facilitate a relationship with them for DD.
I was always treated as the scapegoat and anything that went wrong was my fault.

I have no relationship with any of my wider family due to my mother either keeping me away or telling lies about me. This included keeping me away from my grandmother's death bed.

I have had trouble making friends in the past because of my mother's interference, she likes to bring up that I have no friends and seems to like to think I am isolated. I do have friends and I love to socialise. This seems to be a problem for them. I think they are embarrassed of me sometimes.

Before I had DC they didn't really have much to do with me, and when I was in contact, calls would always start, "How is DD, where is DD." If she was at her dad's they would tell me how awful I was for sending her.

If you get a restraining order against your parents and brother then your ex dh won't be able to facilitate access.

You need to get your ex on side, is there anyway you and DP can go and show him what’s happening and that it’s serious and dangerous to you and dd?

I get that he doesn’t want to be on a side, but his job is to protect his dd.