I’m looking for advice and maybe to hear from people who’ve experienced something similar. Posting here because I’ve lurked here a long time and know I’ll get a range of points of view. I’ve never posted on MN before and am a bit scared people are going to tear me to bits but here goes.
Last year, a woman joined the company I work for. We got chatting at a social and realised we had interests in common. She seemed quite keen to be friends and we started getting to know each other and eventually arranged to hang out outside of work. Over the next few months, we went out 4-5 more times (drinks, dinner, theatre etc). We exchanged small birthday gifts. I’d have described us as casual friends.
Gradually, I started feeling like she was trying to push for a closer friendship than I felt was natural for how long we’d known each other and the amount of time we’d spent together. Outside of work, she’d message me constantly. Even if she didn’t really have anything to say, it felt like she’d use any excuse to get in touch. She wanted to see me all the time, and it felt like she was trying to force closeness by inventing and overusing private jokes and nicknames, that sort of thing. In short, I started feeling smothered.
She’d also ask me constantly if I was okay. Virtually every time I saw her at work, she’d ask if I was alright, saying I didn’t seem myself or that I seemed down. It started making me paranoid, to the point where I asked another work friend if I seemed grumpy (they said no). She’d also message me asking where I was if I decided to work from home, or where I’d been if I had to leave for an appointment. I found out she was also asking other people where I was, and if I was okay.
On top of this, I started to realise that we didn’t have as much in common and weren’t as compatible as friends as I initially thought. We arranged a night out together earlier this year, and she was quite hard work about it, making everything more complicated than it needed to be, and generally being high maintenance. My close friends are all quite easygoing and I find that level of intensity quite tiring.
All things considered, I decided I’d go ahead with the plans we’d arranged and not agree to see her outside of work again.
I started taking a little longer to reply to her messages – still being friendly but trying to avoid inviting further conversation and setting boundaries with my availability. I politely declined invitations. I tried my best to take a step back without hurting her feelings and hoped she’d get the hint and match my energy. Perhaps I could’ve dealt with it better, but a slow fade felt best considering I’d still have to see her at work.
It’s been months now, and the woman is relentless. If I don’t reply to her texts, she messages me on social media, and then on Teams. She compliments me excessively and comments on my appearance a lot and it makes me uncomfortable. She asks to make plans and I always make an excuse.
Because she doesn’t seem to get the hint, I’ve tried adopting a tougher approach and simply not replying (which makes me feel guilty), but that seems to make her more desperate for my attention and she gets even more intense. If I cave and send a polite response to try to placate her, she goes into overdrive and starts messaging even more. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I don’t want any awkwardness, but truthfully if I didn’t have to see her at work I’d have lost my patience and ghosted her by now. I'm at the point where I get stressed and anxious every time I see or hear from her. What can I do?