How can I end this work friendship with the least amount of fallout?

[mintbug]

I’m looking for advice and maybe to hear from people who’ve experienced something similar. Posting here because I’ve lurked here a long time and know I’ll get a range of points of view. I’ve never posted on MN before and am a bit scared people are going to tear me to bits but here goes.

Last year, a woman joined the company I work for. We got chatting at a social and realised we had interests in common. She seemed quite keen to be friends and we started getting to know each other and eventually arranged to hang out outside of work. Over the next few months, we went out 4-5 more times (drinks, dinner, theatre etc). We exchanged small birthday gifts. I’d have described us as casual friends.

Gradually, I started feeling like she was trying to push for a closer friendship than I felt was natural for how long we’d known each other and the amount of time we’d spent together. Outside of work, she’d message me constantly. Even if she didn’t really have anything to say, it felt like she’d use any excuse to get in touch. She wanted to see me all the time, and it felt like she was trying to force closeness by inventing and overusing private jokes and nicknames, that sort of thing. In short, I started feeling smothered.

She’d also ask me constantly if I was okay. Virtually every time I saw her at work, she’d ask if I was alright, saying I didn’t seem myself or that I seemed down. It started making me paranoid, to the point where I asked another work friend if I seemed grumpy (they said no). She’d also message me asking where I was if I decided to work from home, or where I’d been if I had to leave for an appointment. I found out she was also asking other people where I was, and if I was okay.

On top of this, I started to realise that we didn’t have as much in common and weren’t as compatible as friends as I initially thought. We arranged a night out together earlier this year, and she was quite hard work about it, making everything more complicated than it needed to be, and generally being high maintenance. My close friends are all quite easygoing and I find that level of intensity quite tiring.

All things considered, I decided I’d go ahead with the plans we’d arranged and not agree to see her outside of work again.

I started taking a little longer to reply to her messages – still being friendly but trying to avoid inviting further conversation and setting boundaries with my availability. I politely declined invitations. I tried my best to take a step back without hurting her feelings and hoped she’d get the hint and match my energy. Perhaps I could’ve dealt with it better, but a slow fade felt best considering I’d still have to see her at work.

It’s been months now, and the woman is relentless. If I don’t reply to her texts, she messages me on social media, and then on Teams. She compliments me excessively and comments on my appearance a lot and it makes me uncomfortable. She asks to make plans and I always make an excuse.

Because she doesn’t seem to get the hint, I’ve tried adopting a tougher approach and simply not replying (which makes me feel guilty), but that seems to make her more desperate for my attention and she gets even more intense. If I cave and send a polite response to try to placate her, she goes into overdrive and starts messaging even more. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I don’t want any awkwardness, but truthfully if I didn’t have to see her at work I’d have lost my patience and ghosted her by now. I'm at the point where I get stressed and anxious every time I see or hear from her. What can I do?

Keep it simple. No explanations.

"I simply don't have the headspace for constant messaging - I need space"

Repeat once or twice if necessary, then ignore, ignore, ignore.

Keep a paper trail of all communications with her, past and future....... just in case she turns awkward at work.

“I’m busy outside of work with my family and friends at the moment and really don’t have the time to be replying to messages. I also don’t have any spare time during working hours to be socialising.” Keep repeating. Report to HR if needed.

I’d say something like “You may have realised I’ve been a bit distant lately. Truthfully, I’ve got a lot on my plate and realise I need to separate my work and home life to give me some breathing space. So don’t take it personally that I need to take a step back from work friendships to get the balance back in my life outside of work, I hope you understand”.

I would say something by text so you have the “paper trail”. No idea what though!

I would be sure to not insult her in any way. Something like

“I have to be honest, the amount of communication you’re sending me is feeling overwhelming. I’m used to friends messaging me every couple of weeks and we pretty much leave each other to get on with our lives between that.

Same with work colleagues, we give each other space as we’re in each other’s pockets all day 😅”

I like that. You could always add something about trying to cut down on screen time too, so cutting right back on messaging, to be more available for your family

The latter worked for me with a persistent messager.

God very intense awkward when you see them at work too. Yes keep a distance.. how are lunch times does she meet you for lunch.

Just coming in to say good luck. Had a very similar situation in a sports team I was part of. Tried slow fading, I’ve a lot on etc. eventually had to leave the team and block on everything . Continued to get Birthday and Christmas cards though and they even showed up at my house on a “Big Birthday” after 3 years of no contact. Fortunately I was not home.

her messages are not about you, she does not care about you. She just wants your attention. So the slow fade does not work, it makes her annoyed so she does the “How Are you “ “Is everything all right “ show. It looks like she is caring but she is not. If she did care she would respect boundaries.
Don’t have sympathy for her she will have moved onto her next victim soon enough.
But a discussion with your manager/hr might be worthwhile.

If I don’t reply to her texts, she messages me on social media, and then on Teams

I think maybe this is the thing that gives you the ideal opportunity to tell her to back off. So, if you don't reply to her text, and she then messages you on social media and you don't reply to that either, and she then messages you on Teams, you could perhaps reply to the Teams message with "Hi - I've already seen your text and your Facebook message, and if someone messages I like to reply in my own time. I feel a bit smothered when I get lots of messages to be honest and I've often got other things I'm trying to focus on - could you give me some space?"

She compliments me excessively and comments on my appearance a lot and it makes me uncomfortable

When you say it makes you uncomfortable... do you mean in the sense that you think she might be overstepping into 'inappropriate' territory? Is it at the point where she's giving you the impression that she might actually fancy you, or at least have a crush on you? Are her compliments the kind of compliments that go beyond the sort of typical compliment you'd normally exchange with a female friend?

Woah what a nightmare situation OP. Next time she messages asking if your OK etc etc id reply ' I appreciate your concern baby reindeer but I need a bit of space and time for myself so please just hold off contacting me for a bit. See you at work'

If she doesn't listen you need to go to HR. In fact it's probably worth giving them a heads up anyway wih evidence of all the weird behaviour just incase she turns on you once you've told her in the nicest possible way to stop being so stalkerish and leave you alone

her messages are not about you, she does not care about you. She just wants your attention. So the slow fade does not work, it makes her annoyed so she does the “How Are you “ “Is everything all right “ show. It looks like she is caring but she is not. If she did care she would respect boundaries.

This is it, in a nutshell. What a nightmare that she is in your work place. I had a woman like this in my life, and I tried versions of the slow fade for close to ten years, and she still persisted. I had to get a new phone number. On the rare occasions our paths cross, she exhudes displeasure and rage...

I would run it by someone suitable at work. They may have ideas that help.

I wouldn’t say anything that she can use as a justification for doing more of this so don’t do the “too much going on” thing. These sorts of people are always looking for a loophole and she will convince herself she is not the problem.

Frankly she sounds mentally unstable and I think you need to be blunt with her that her behaviour is burdensome and frightening and say you are cutting contact until she can learn to respect normal boundaries.

I would also talk to a manager or your HR department about this. In case she turns nasty and tries to sabotage you.

@BleachedJumper great advice

A lot of responses are painting her as stalker like. However, whenever we get posts about introverts, new mums, mums with shed loads on/dodgy partner the advice is always to keep in touch and show you're still in their life if they need you etc even if they are slow to or never respond.

From her perspective you're not behaving as normal, slow to respond and cool. She'll be thinking, has she offended you, did you get a terminal diagnosis, are you about to be sacked etc. Which is a reasonable initial first thought.

The line between being a caring friend and overstepping is all context dependent. She clearly thinks you're friends and is trying to show willing. Have you asked about her or her life, has she been through some stuff recently?

Not saying that you should stay in friendship with someone you clearly dislike, but would expect you to use your words. It's not fair expecting her to read your mind now you've gone off her and if she's trying to work out what she's done wrong or how to be a better friend in the absence of any information there's a tinge of control when you could bring clarity.

I'd just say you are not as social as she is, value your long-term friends and hobbies etc and want to give 100% to those, rather than flit around like a social butterfly. I'm 46 and often say no to things/people I don't want to see or do and if questioned or pushed just laugh and say 'at my age I am old enough to know my own mind, thank you very much'. Tends to close things down.

I would definitely raise this as a potential issue at work tho, just incase she is a drama llama. Especially if she is already discussing you with other colleagues. You would absolutely raise it (I hope!) if it was a man pursuing you with this level of intensity and just because it is two women, it doesn't. Are it anymore acceptable.

I'd go to your manager/HR as your first port of call. They'll have come across similar before and will be able to recommend a suitable approach.

Lots of convoluted messages have been suggested: don't get drawn into too many long-winded explanations about your home life, other friends etc, as she's bound to come up with 'solutions'. Something simple and straight to the point as a PP suggested, "I simply don't have the headspace for constant messaging - I need space"

I think the idea of lying about family problems or whatever is a terrible idea.

She's basically stalking you at this point. I think you need to be clear - maybe over text so there's a record of this - and say, I'm finding the amount of communication from you to be too much. Please stop texting and messaging.

I agree, tell HR and/or a manager. Screenshot messages so you have evidence. Then block her on everything that you can.

Treat her like what she is: a stalker.

A lot of responses are painting her as stalker like. However, whenever we get posts about introverts, new mums, mums with shed loads on/dodgy partner the advice is always to keep in touch and show you're still in their life if they need you etc even if they are slow to or never respond.

Come off it… there’s a huge middle ground between “keeping in touch” and this which is basically harassment. Sending a message in theee separate mediums because you don’t immediately receive a reply is way over the top.

Even in a work environment this would be over the top. My full on boss would draw a line at repeating a message in three different settings. People are entitled to privacy and to not feel they have to respond to every message and it doesn’t make them an introvert, just someone with a life.

Lets call a spade a spade: this is stalking.

OP, I feel you need to be polite if you see her at work but that’s it. While walking past briskly, just a quick, “Hey, how are you?” and don’t stop. If she prattles on, make excuses that you need the bathroom, have a meeting or quickly have to make a call.

With the online messages, just keep responses brief, “Busy with a deadline, have to focus.” You don’t need to write anything else if she writes a follow-up question.

Yes, in hindsight I should've been more cautious and taken a bit more time to decide she was definitely someone I wanted a relationship with outside work. Absolutely a lesson learned.

No. I once asked her politely and (I hope) kindly to stop asking if I was okay, because it was making me self-conscious, and that she could just assume I was fine unless I told her otherwise. That felt very delicate and I ran the message past three different people before sending it. She apologised and to her credit hasn't done it since, but that habit was just a drop in the ocean.

I've promised myself in the past that if she ever asks me if there's anything she's done wrong, or why I'm not replying to her messages, that I would be honest with her. But she never has.

I second speaking to HR: if she takes against you, you need to be prepared for her saying you're the problem

I second the idea to speak to her, BleachedJumper's suggestion is great. As you mentioned before, she did listen when you asked her not to keep asking if you were okay. Hinting and hoping is doing you no favours here.

She clearly has an anxious attachment style, while you are avoidant. The two together create a perfect storm. As difficult as it may be for you, clear communication is your friend here. 'Slow fade' isn't kind or thoughtful to someone who may not pick up on social cues, or has problems with previous relationships. Perhaps she really valued your friendship and is trying (dysfunctionally) to make it work?

Promising yourself that you'd tell her if she asked you is classic avoidant. As much as you can't read her mind, she can't read yours either.

Maybe explain you’re happy to be friends but not all the texting outside of work. You are busy with your personal life. You could also say you’re not into texting this much. Maybe explain it’s getting awkward her asking if you’re OK so often as there is nothing wrong but people are starting to ask questions as to why she keeps asking them. Good luck as she sounds like verging on stalking you. You need to be very clear with your boundaries. Remember to be friendly and smile, but make yourself clear. No one should be texting anyone this much and being that nosey.

I terminated a long term friendship with advice from ‘friends’ on another forum a couple of years ago. I messaged her to say I felt we no longer had much in common and that while I valued what we used to have in terms of friendship, it no longer worked for me and I was not going to respond to any messages or see her again. Truthfully, she was very intense, kept telling me to visit her (abroad) and stared at me the whole time we were watching a film in a cinema. It was weird. I understand she was probably very hurt, but I was just uncomfortable continuing the friendship and saw no benefit for either of us. It had died years ago,

I thoroughly advocate this method, with the rider that obviously you’re going to see her at work, so you need to consider how to treat her while in the office. Good luck, I feel your pain!

It's difficult when it's someone you've got to continue working with 😳 I think you need to be honest and tell her that the constant messaging feels too much and that you're very busy outside of work and don't have time to meet up. It might be awkward for a bit but as long as you continue to be distantly friendly, hopefully things will settle down