Missing friend's daughter's birthday party for first time... EVER!

[bexjo]

Just that really.
My best friend's youngest daughter turns 8 later this month and we've NEVER missed any of the parties for her and her 3 siblings. That's how close we are. Likewise, she's never missed parties for my kids.

Dilema I've got is that my partner has some very rare leave from work the same weekend the party is due to be held and is talking about planning a weekend break, just the 2 of us. I wouldn't want to miss this. We both have stressful jobs and live in different cities, so together time is a rare treat.

How do I mention this to my friend that I'll have to bow out of attending the party? My kids will be with their elderly grandparents who don't drive whilst I'm away. The grandparents taking my kids to the party wouldn't be an option. They don't speak English and don't have transport in any case. I have nobody else to ask, nor would I really "expect" anyone to take my kids to the party if I'm not around.

AIBU for taking the opportunity of a rare weekend away with partner instead of the party?

FWIW - my kids aren't really people who love parties anyway, and won't know any of the other kids at party (except my friend's kid 4 kids).

How do I tell my friend that I won't be attending this? When I've always attended in the past!

Just tell her you can't make it. I don't see the big deal!

Your DH has booked a surprise weekend away and even organised for the kids to be looked after ..... Thing is it clashes with xxxx birthday party.

Imagine if she said the same thing to your - of course you must go. It's only a birthday party, we'll catch up soon.

Why don't you offer to take DD and friend's daughter to the cinema or something at another time as a birthday treat,?

How close are the kids? At 8 years old the DD will care most about having her best mates there. If your children are not her best mates I suspect this isn’t going to be as big a deal as you think.

Do a separate thing with your family and her family when you can, it’s nice for the DD to have two birthday celebrations anyway.

I can’t imagine why I’d attend a friend or sibling’s child’s birthday party (apart from maybe their first bday where the guests tend to be mainly family and friends of the parents).

By age 8, kids have their own set of friends who form the party invitees - they don’t usually also have their mums friends turning up or having to feel obliged to attend.

I’ve never attended my DNephew & DNiece’s bday parties past age 1, and I wouldn’t dream of inviting my siblings & friends to my children’s parties (which adult wants to spend time in a soft play centre or swamped with screaming kids?!?!)

Is your friend one of these people who use any event however minor to throw a party for all & sundry / decorate the house / upload to Insta / make memories etc? I’m betting she had a massive hen-do and a ‘gender’-reveal party too, no?!

Just text her & say: “Afraid I can’t come to little Eliza’s party with her friends - DH & I are away that weekend. I’ve got her a little something though which I’ll pop round on Weds before we leave.”

I think it depends what later this month means. If it’s in 2 weeks time or less then yabu to cancel, she’ll already have numbers sorted and it’s a bit late to cancel. Later then that then fine.

If it’s really important to you to celebrate with her, could you do a little tea party with her the previous or following weekend? Nothing over the top, just her and your DC, a couple of sandwiches, a couple of balloons and a fairy cake with a candle in it. No real cost but the time and effort would be appreciated.

But no, I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to go away with your DH. You have to prioritise your marriage and this is part of that. Have a brilliant time!

This just seems a total drama over nothing. Just explain to your friend that you can't make the party and see her another time to celebrate. Absolute non-issue.

Say you're sorry but your DH has booked you a mini break for that weekend then suggest you all get together another time before or after to have a mini celebration.

I wouldn't worry about it, your friend I am sure will understand.

Its tricky if you've already told her you'll be there. The only way I think I'd do this is to say a surprise has been booked and he's had to tell you because you mentioned the party and he didn't realise there was a clash.

Don’t say you’re sorry - you’ve nothing to be sorry for.
Her 8yo is celebrating her bday with her 8yo friends.
You (a non-related adult) happen to be having a non-child weekend away with DH.

Wouldn’t even occur to me to apologise for the above. None of my best friends would even consider expecting me at their kids’ 8th bday parties 🤣

Of course it’s fine!

This is such a non issue " Sorry Sarah, I've got other commitments that weekend as we are going away. I hope Arabella has a great day, I'll pop her pressies and card round on X"

The "EVER!" in your title is a tad melodramatic.

It's something you've habitually done for the past eight years. This just happens to be the first time you're not doing it. With her having three kids and you having kids too, it's surprising that you HAVE managed to make all the birthdays this far without something else cropping up.

Yanbu to miss the party! You say “Really sorry but I won’t be able to make the birthday party as we’re away that weekend. Hope she has a fab time!” Simple as that. Actually no reason is needed and you could leave out the bit about going away. You could add that you’ll send her card/present in the post or drop it round on X date if that’s your plan.
It may even be the case that she is only inviting you as she feels you’d be upset not to be invited and could actually be relieved to break the cycle. By 8 they’re usually having parties with their school friends - parties with the parents’ friends are more for the baby/toddler years.

Missing the party is not a big deal, but if you have already accepted, changing your mind because you have a better offer is a bit crap.

Don't commit to something unless you are really attending.

| am not sure the 8 year old will miss you!

This is a non-issue. I don't know anyone who would attend every birthday party for a friend's child!

(In fact, I think most people wouldn't be going to any of their friend's children's birthday parties, because for most people it's for the kid and their school friends, not their parents' friends and their parents' friends' kids.)

Honestly, this is a really weird thing to get worked up about. You're not able to make it because you've got other plans. Send a card and whatever gift you'd normally give and enjoy your weekend away.

'I'm really sorry, DH has booked us a last min get away and sorted babysitters for the kids and it's clashed with the weekend of (insert child's name) party!
He didn't realise unfortunately so we wont be able to make it now...shall we do something with the kids a different weekend as a little birthday treat for them from us?'

Easy.

It great doing things with people but if you are that involved that missing it would be a drama I would be reasessing in the first place, this enmeshing sounds too much then

Agreed.

It’s an 8 year olds birthday party, you haven’t been invited to tea with the queen. Just tell her the truth and pop round at another time to see her daughter.

Say now, not only a few days before.

Without being mean you are way overthinking this.

It’s lovely you and your friend are close but to consider not going for a weekend away when your partner has rare time off to go to an 8 year old kids party instead is insane.

This.

Not a problem. Just because you usually do something doesn't mean you are committed to it forever. She'll still know that her kids' parties are something you prioritise if you're not away.

Many people stop inviting "family friends"/relatives by that sort of age anyway, as if the child is inviting their friends from school then having unconnected friends can upset the dynamic. If different ages, the activities planned may not work so well.

You may find you have trickier decisions in the future, if your kids' close friends have parties that clash, and things like that. Any decent friendship will survive not only "unfortunately we're away that weekend", but also "I can't make it because DC has a football match/dance rehearsal/best friend's party and I need to get them to that".