Missing friend's daughter's birthday party for first time... EVER!

[bexjo]

Just that really.
My best friend's youngest daughter turns 8 later this month and we've NEVER missed any of the parties for her and her 3 siblings. That's how close we are. Likewise, she's never missed parties for my kids.

Dilema I've got is that my partner has some very rare leave from work the same weekend the party is due to be held and is talking about planning a weekend break, just the 2 of us. I wouldn't want to miss this. We both have stressful jobs and live in different cities, so together time is a rare treat.

How do I mention this to my friend that I'll have to bow out of attending the party? My kids will be with their elderly grandparents who don't drive whilst I'm away. The grandparents taking my kids to the party wouldn't be an option. They don't speak English and don't have transport in any case. I have nobody else to ask, nor would I really "expect" anyone to take my kids to the party if I'm not around.

AIBU for taking the opportunity of a rare weekend away with partner instead of the party?

FWIW - my kids aren't really people who love parties anyway, and won't know any of the other kids at party (except my friend's kid 4 kids).

How do I tell my friend that I won't be attending this? When I've always attended in the past!

Of course you miss the party.

This is probably a bigger thing in your head than in anyone else's.

Just tell friend on this occasion you can't make it.

It's really not that big a deal.

If no plans or agreements have been made then of course you should go away for the weekend, I wouldn't overthink that, just do it.

But if you've already accepted the party invitation on behalf of you and what sounds like at least two children then it's shitty to drop out for a better offer. I know what it's like to be the host and have people drop out at late notice. Your friend will have planned for number of attendees, arranged food, spent money, etc, and perhaps as a very close friend is relying on your help/support on the day. So in that circumstance I would put friends before boyfriend and go to the party. You can still have a day out with the boyfriend at the weekend and go away another time.

It has to happen eventually. You and your friend have a close relationship but that doesn't mean your children will necessarily be close so at some point traditions like this have to stop. You've got a very good reason not to go this year and it doesn't sound like your children will be particularly upset. In all likelihood neither will hers as they will have school friends etc there.
We used to have a similar thing with 2 families actually - one friends of mine and one friends of DH. It was fine when the children were tiny but as they got older and developed their own friendship groups it all just got a bit awkward. None of the kids disliked each other but they weren't busom buddies and had little in common except parents who were friends. We were really relieved when DH's friends suggested we stopped buying each other's children Christmas presents, inviting to birthday parties etc and it gave me the confidence to have the same conversation with my friends. I think everyone was relieved! We (the adults) are still as good friends as we ever were - not having kids who are close friends with each other hasn't changed that.
It may be that this phase is coming to a natural end for you too. You have something to do that weekend that is more important to you and realistically it seems unlikely that your absence will ruin the party. It's not a huge issue, just be honest.

You and your friend have a close relationship but that doesn't mean your children will necessarily be close so at some point traditions like this have to stop.

I think this is important to hear, OP. You can still be best friends, but your and her kids can be independent. MIL is dreadfully disappointed that neither of her sons married her best friend's daughter, but you have to get used to these little changes as you go along.

Try and enjoy the ride rather than assuming you know every single stop on the route.

As long as she hasn’t already asked you to attend and you’d already said yes absolutely we’ll be there, then I don’t see the problem, your response would just be “I’m so sorry, DH has booked us a weekend away, already booked so can’t come this year!”

if you’ve said yes and then gotten a better offer, it’s rude

My best friendship group we never attend each others kida parties. We all have multiple kids. We invite sometimes when its more of a gethering but rarely attend. The kids want their school friends and closest family like nana etc. They wont be bothered. If you are more like an aunty to the child for example, then just offer to do something separate like cinema as a group. Less people to cater for at a party is usually better for the host anyway.

If you are south Asian, it is the norm to invite adults to children parties. So much so that most of the time it is a party full of adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins and family friends) and if you don't attend people take it very very personal.

Having said that, if you explain you can't make it, give a card with a present beforehand they will appreciate it more.

If you’ve already said you are going then YABU, it’s rude to drop out without good reason.

If you’ve not said you are going then it’s absolutely fine not to go. At the age of 8 she is old enough to be inviting her own friends (from school etc) rather than her parents friends children.