Who was being (more) U? Me or dh?

[NoSir]

I am now in a bit of a grump after annoying start to the day. Here is what happened.

Dh dropped the dcs and me halfway to school this morning on his way to work. When we left the house, dd (6yo with mild SEN) left her bag in the hall. I didn't pick it up. I got both dds in the car and dh was last to leave the house. He also didn't pick up the bag.

Got to where dh dropped us off and noticed dd didn't have her schoolbag.

Dh said he would go and get it but then said he couldn't and could I do it? Yes, fine. My work isn't far from school and I could walk home, get the stuff and bring it back in my car.

Walked dds to school. On the way they said they were freezing, so I said I would pick up their jumpers at the same time as the bag.

Got to school gate and started writing gate slips to explain to teachers. While I was standing there dh ran up behind me, dropped the school bag beside me and half shouted "I've got to go, I've got to go!" and ran off before I could turn round. His tone was rude and embarrassing right in front of head teacher, other parents etc He had gone home and got the bag while we were walking to school. He had tried to call me but I hadn't heard it.

Then realised I still had said I would get the kids' jumpers, so still had to walk home, get their jumpers, drive back and then go to work. I also had to tear up the gate slip about dd bag and then write a new one about the jumper instead (in hindsight maybe this was unnecessary)

Called dh on the way home to say wtf was that? I didn't swear though but did say "that was so rude and embarrassing". Non aggressive tone - possibly a bit whiny He was annoyed at me for "telling him off". He has GAD and he sees criticism where there isn't any at the best of times, so when I actually am being a bit critical he stresses the fuck out.

I have italicised the bits where I know I was being U.

Aibu to think wtf and how embarrassing to be spoken to like that in the playground? It was his tone more than anything like totally exasperated. Aibu to also think me phoning him to "tell him off" / say it was rude is less U than doing it in the playground about a foot in front of the Headteacher? Aibu to also think that his anxiety doesn't mean he can just shout "don't tell me off" (which he did) every time I have to tell him something negative? I am so supportive and encouraging 99% of the time.

Ugh grumpy now and I am usually not, so that's annoyed me even more. Humph

Sounds like a typical Monday morning storm in a teacup, don't let it bother you.

GAD - Grumpy Arse Dad.

Thanks again for your help all - I'll just bow off the thread now as can see this just going in circles.

Thanks olderglaswegian, we are indeed both adults! Are you really glaswegian though 🤔?

Life can be stressful. You did fine, he did fine. You were both there for your daughter, and in the end that is saying something.

It sounds like you need some way of more clearly communicating certain things. Like a short cut for "I've got this 100% don't worry" or "I can hear you're getting anxious please go for a walk/step back/insert behaviour that helps him regulate." The tone was probably due to the anxiety. Anger and shouting isn't an unusual response from someone feeling anxious. Its more comfortable to feel angry than scared. That doesn't excuse it of course. Ive been on both sides as someone with anxiety, though I tend to go quite not get loud, and a mum with a child with severe anxiety who can do either. Clear communication, clear expectations, a way for him to say he can't cope or for you say you need him to take his anxiety out of the room could all help, but it only works if he's on board too. It is so hard having anxiety but it's also really hard on the other side trying to support the person with anxiety and trying o minimise the impact of that anxiety on your children.

You are being more U, sorry. Mornings are stressful and he was helping you out by going back for the bag after all so you didn't have to walk back.
Teachers will see stressed out parents every morning

Let us all quiver and prostrate ourselves in front of the sacred Headteacher.

Honestly it's fine. Tiny bit rude/thoughtless/self important, but the teachers will have seen hundreds of parents in a rush before.

You are very oversensitive if that's how you'd have interpreted it.

I dont think you were wrong . I think it’s exhausting having a SEN child and working and you and dh both sound like you are trying your best in difficult circumstances so there’s bound to be flashpoints or misinterpretations etc.

I hope you can get some time to yourself today. I know what it’s like when you feeling like you’re rushing about all the time and stressed

That was exhausting reading the mountain made out of nothing?
Is this the way you live? nitpicking and overthinking? finding offence everywhere?
He done you a favour and you tell him off?

I genuinely am not trying to pick on the OP but from this incident, I'm also wondering if she is contributing to or causing his GAD! Granted it's just 1 incident and may be out of character for her, but it's such a bizarre and extreme overreaction.

@NoSir I totally get why this would have felt embarrassing, especially in front of headteacher. But everybody has bad days, and escalating things when other person is struggling rarely makes things better.

Well, this sounds exhausting.

I wasn't planning to post again, but saw this - God I obviously really hope not! I will talk to him.

Anxiety is a dick and I really do feel for him. He's been struggling a lot lately, but I'm not sure how to help. He needs to do less but weirdly that doesn't seem to help him as he hates being in the house (maybe you're right @babadumm as maybe what really gets to him is being around me)! That doesn't seem to be the case, but since from my post you've thought I might have given him GAD, I honestly am questioning a lot of things, as I didn't think that sort of assumption was a natural one to make here!

Will try and get more advice on how to help him, but it might be that he's better off not living with us, ultimately- (I've honestly thought that many times and even asked him if he'd rather that). He finds family life more stressful than work for sure! It does affect the kids when he's very stressy and that feeds back as he probably feels bad about that, which makes him more stressed and so on...

I'm not usually a reactive person at all, but he did come across as really irritated with me earlier. I found it rude tbh as I certainly didn't ask him to go and get the bag. I was going to go and get it as planned. I don't think finding his rude tone rude all that extreme or bizarre. I do overthink on here when I'm stressed out, but he doesn't hear it.

Anyway, I've apologised now to him for being grumpy and thanked him for getting the bag.

As to me causing his GAD, not sure what to do there as we love each other a lot and I don't think he'd rather be without me tbh. But thanks for suggesting that @babadumm - certainly worth considering! I'm sure you're trying to be helpful which I do appreciate 💐

Your children's school has air conditioning?!! Mine barely has enough white boards and pens! 🤣 Sorry, missing the point!

Wrt you and your DH, it was just a bit of a lack of communication. Nothing more.

Maybe it would be a good idea to make a visual reminder board for your child/children?
Like you will need ..... and then a picture of their shoes, jumper, book bag etc etc
Might be helpful?

Hehe I know! I do tell them they're lucky. My office hasn't got air con! I'd love it.

Thanks - I'm sure you're right.

I will try and bow out again now - thanks for all of your comments again 💐

I'd be irritated. Shouting in playground like he's the most important person. It also implied you made him go back. When it was his mistake it was left in the first place!

I disagree with most of these replies.
DH created a needless drama in my view. You'd already agreed between you that YOU would go back. When he couldn't get hold of you on the phone he should have left the arrangements as they were.
Drawing loads of attention to himself for being a martyr by shouting and throwing things isn't really something I'd praise him for either.