Who was being (more) U? Me or dh?

[NoSir]

I am now in a bit of a grump after annoying start to the day. Here is what happened.

Dh dropped the dcs and me halfway to school this morning on his way to work. When we left the house, dd (6yo with mild SEN) left her bag in the hall. I didn't pick it up. I got both dds in the car and dh was last to leave the house. He also didn't pick up the bag.

Got to where dh dropped us off and noticed dd didn't have her schoolbag.

Dh said he would go and get it but then said he couldn't and could I do it? Yes, fine. My work isn't far from school and I could walk home, get the stuff and bring it back in my car.

Walked dds to school. On the way they said they were freezing, so I said I would pick up their jumpers at the same time as the bag.

Got to school gate and started writing gate slips to explain to teachers. While I was standing there dh ran up behind me, dropped the school bag beside me and half shouted "I've got to go, I've got to go!" and ran off before I could turn round. His tone was rude and embarrassing right in front of head teacher, other parents etc He had gone home and got the bag while we were walking to school. He had tried to call me but I hadn't heard it.

Then realised I still had said I would get the kids' jumpers, so still had to walk home, get their jumpers, drive back and then go to work. I also had to tear up the gate slip about dd bag and then write a new one about the jumper instead (in hindsight maybe this was unnecessary)

Called dh on the way home to say wtf was that? I didn't swear though but did say "that was so rude and embarrassing". Non aggressive tone - possibly a bit whiny He was annoyed at me for "telling him off". He has GAD and he sees criticism where there isn't any at the best of times, so when I actually am being a bit critical he stresses the fuck out.

I have italicised the bits where I know I was being U.

Aibu to think wtf and how embarrassing to be spoken to like that in the playground? It was his tone more than anything like totally exasperated. Aibu to also think me phoning him to "tell him off" / say it was rude is less U than doing it in the playground about a foot in front of the Headteacher? Aibu to also think that his anxiety doesn't mean he can just shout "don't tell me off" (which he did) every time I have to tell him something negative? I am so supportive and encouraging 99% of the time.

Ugh grumpy now and I am usually not, so that's annoyed me even more. Humph

Yeah, alright... I've overreacted and probably did call him wanting more to say "WTAF?", which he probably realised. I'll message him to say sorry for the call and thank him for bringing the bag.

Also, what on earth is a gate slip? What a waste of time for everyone, making you later to bring in the things they’ve forgotten. Easily fixed by:

Teacher - where’s your bag/jumper?
Child - we forgot to grab them but mum/dad has gone back to get it.
Teacher - ok, great!

Seconds. Every parent filling in a gate slip? Not seconds.

Because I should have thought to pick it up? Dd does forget things due to sen, so sometimes have to remind her. Obviously didn't leave it behind on purpose, no

Jumpers are a needless addiction to your OP. DH didn't know about them, we didn't need to know about them. He went home and got your child's bag, brought it to school then dashed off. I would be pleased in this scenario.

YABU for turning this absolute none event into anything at all.

Talk to your husband instead of trying to ensure he's got the most unreasonable points so you can still be in the right. You're in a partnership, not a competition.

That is a really good question - I don't know tbh. I suppose it's because I'd had a couple of friendly words with her and was busy doing what I thought I was meant to be doing, gate slips, then home to grab forgotten bag and jumpers and then just heard this thing drop beside me, a half shouted, exasperated "I've got to go, I've got to go". For some reason that felt a bit humiliating. Headteacher also looked a bit taken aback, but that's possibly because he must have looked as if he was running at her a bit 😂, not because of how he spoke to me

Dh said he would go and get it but then said he couldn't and could I do it? Yes, fine.
So why did he then go and get it, and run to the school gate dramatically shouting “I’ve got to go”?
I think this is all quite minor and neither of you were being hugely U. Forgetting the bag and missing calls aren’t crimes. But I don’t understand why he went to get the bag if you’d agreed that you would do it. You would have got to the house and the bag wouldn’t have been there.

He must have changed his mind, but I don't know why

That isn’t you being unreasonable though, it’s you forgetting something, which is something that human beings do from time to time. You’re being ridiculously hard on yourself. You’d have much more peace of mind if you could just think “oh well, never mind”.

That's not why I'm asking - I don't care about U points from MNetters, or anyone else tbh. I'm asking because he got upset with me saying I thought he'd been rude, so that's why I was asking

I would have been cross too OP - seems there was an implication that you forgot the bag, nothing to do with him, so you could go back and get it, and he time for a quick hello.i'd be pissed off at the immediate assumption that you should go home for the bag, he's too busy, as it seems your time is less precious.

Lots of people have stressful mornings with kids, but getting narky with your partner is not inevitable.

Having GAD is not an excuse to dodge any criticism - though maybe you need to crouch it as 'I'm not criticising you, I do love and appreciate you BUT ....' otherwise you end up being a doormat.

And yes, this^^ is why i phoned him. I also didn't understand what had happened. But I appreciate that might have come across more confrontational than it should have

I'll message him to say sorry for the call and thank him for bringing the bag

Good idea

Are you always so difficult or was it just this morning?

That was certainly how it felt in the moment! But a lot of people have said that's me being tok sensitive, which I can understand

Are you always this unkind or are you making a special effort for me? No need- I've taken on board what everyone has said. At this point you probably don't need to start getting personal (unless that's how you enjoy yourself in general)

I'm glad that you've taken the general consensus on board.

It's a shame you think I've been unkind. I think you were being incredibly difficult.

However I did wonder if maybe this morning was especially stressful.

Well thank you for clarifying. There is other stuff going on (dd with sen, dh with anxiety which can become quite severe). In the context of the thread, I did read "are you always this difficult?", as one of those standard MN phrases which are usually meant to kick the op.

So yes, I'm sure I was more difficult than usual this morning 💐

All of this op. He went back for your sake, even though he was obviously stressed for work. He still went back.

And then you tell him off for it.

You probably were more sharp than you needed to be but again it isn’t the crime of the century.
I’d still like to know whether he understands that him changing his mind, and getting the bag, meant that you would have got home to find the bag missing. You could have been searching the house thinking it must have been in another room.
This is totally the kind of thing my dh does and it can be incredibly annoying. I say I’ll take a watch to be mended tomorrow because he says he can’t do it, then I turn the house upside down looking for the watch and can’t find it, and at the end of the day he says “yeah I took it this morning” and looks at me like I should have known. It isn’t something to be grateful for. It would be fine if they said “I can do it after all”.

I think, having given it more thought, the problem for me this morning was that dh has a bit of a history of doing more and more stuff to help and then getting really stressed which creates a horrible atmosphere. I've said to him in the past that I would prefer he do less and be less stressed.

Not an intentional drip feed as I hadn't pinpointed what it was that bothered me so much about this. I think this^^ is why.

Thanks for your comments - they truly have helped me figure this out. I'll speak to dh again

Ah I see! Yes, now you've said that, I can see I may have come across as a typical MN kick-witch. Thank you for letting me clarify!

I thought your DH was lovely to go the extra mile, but of course, there's always an element of 'otherings' isn't there? Which add to your view of the situation but not mine (because I don't know them!)

Sending you love ❤️

I know right? I will speak to him later. I understand a bit better now why it bothered me. I don't need him to get the bag - I need him to find a way to calm the fuck down (which I would NEVER say to him, as he is so anxious). I know that GAD is so much more complex than just calming the fuck down before anyone jumps up and down

Whilst you are reflecting on this OP, can I suggest you look at the dd with SEN... its tough I get it. She will be pulling your family relationships all over the place.

Can I recommend that you seek to out I to place things that will help her respond as close to kids her age as you can as early as you can? So for example having a check list - pictures if need be - to ensure she has what she needs each day and getting HER into the routine of checking it? It sounds daft - and potentially demanding of a 6yr old - but try and keep her up with your older dd in the organisational sense. It's so much harder to do as they get older and the gap becomes bigger!

And remember kids make mornings/life SEND kids make it even harder. Give yourself some space and take care!

Ah yes. I can see that would be difficult. My DH has the occasional tendency towards martyrdom which can be irritating. At least I can point it out to him and he stops being a muppet. I guess your dh's anxiety makes that difficult.

I think sometimes you're best ignoring the martyrdom though - this morning he would have presumably huffed off to be stressy and difficult at work which wouldn't have been your problem.

My goodness, what playground antics - in the playground. A non issue / non story.
Are you really both adults.