How to navigate MIL

[Mochipuff]

Hi, looking for advice please, and whether we are being unreasonable.

I have recently found out I'm pregnant after trying for around 14 months. We are obviously over the moon. I can't quite believe it.😅

I had a 7 week early viability scan last week which showed a heart beat, but
I am aware of miscarriage statistics, and conscious to keep this pregnancy to ourselves until we pass the 12 week mark/scan.

I have extremely bad nausea,sickness and fatigue, not to mention my huge bloated belly and boobs. Pretty much been spending the past week in bed as it's gotten the better of me.

However here is our problem.. MIL had arranged to come to our house with BIL and his wife, and also my DH's auntie (who is visiting from Korea).

This would be before the 12 week mark, so we've asked them to come any weekend after the 12 week mark instead.

This would mean we could tell them the news, and hopefully symptoms would simmer down by then anyway. I don't see how I could hide my symptoms if they visited when they planned originally (week 9).

MIL is questioning this, and wants to know exactly why we can't do any date before then, questioning if it's something bad and demanding a phone call etc.

We don't really know what to say apart from 'we're sorry but we can't do those dates anymore' but she isn't buying it.

Are we being unreasonable to not tell her why and move the date?

For context, DH isn't close to his family at all, and has only seen them maybe 3(?) times in the last few years. However, I appreciate an auntie is visiting from Korea, which is making us feel bad and unsure how to navigate it, he hasn't seen/spoken to his auntie since he was 5, when he left Korea himself.

I would just see them, with respect 12 weeks means nothing it's not a special safe date I had a late miscarriage at 19 weeks.

Tell them, you'll be greatful of their support either way.

Wow Ladywhistle down in the mouth. Not a particularly inspiring first comment!

First of all congratulations.

I would say DH and you have struggled to get time off work and it would mean that they would be sitting alone in the house.

The new dates mean you could both spend more time with each other.

Thank you for your replies, I'm sorry for your loss Lady Whistledown.

Maybe we are being a bit precious, but the 12 weeks wait is something we would like to stick to our guns about.

Unfortunately, they wouldn't be the type to offer support, just judgement, hence DH's strained relationship with them in the first place.

I mean do you have to have them at all? They sound pretty awful and you could be feeling rotten. I think I might suddenly have a leak in the spare room or a boiler issue that means no hot water and recommend a premier inn.

If you don’t want to do this just keep repeating, not convenient, we’re busy, and don’t feel obliged to call her to discuss either- again suggest that the visit is postponed or you just meet for a meal if you can’t agree convenient dates.

Honestly there's nothing magic about 12 weeks other countries don't have the same cutoff but I respect your wishes on wanting to own when you tell people.

If you look at her POV it does seem strange. She has no clue why you've insisted on only after a certain date and you've not given a reason. Can't you come up with something low key plausible? A deadline at work that means you have to work a few weekends? Training for a half marathon so just doing lots of exercise? Caught Covid and so feeling under the weather for a few weeks? Throw her something so she at least understands why

Why are you obsessing about 12 weeks?
My first loss was at 14.

And symptoms don't magically disappear on the day you reach 12 weeks.

I'm puzzled by your post tbh.

What a shame you've come down with a stomach bug when your MIL is visiting!

If you really don't want to see them, tell them you've got COVID or something.

I would tell them you are unwell and not wanting visitors at this time. If they press for more, just say you’re a private person and don’t want to discuss it.

Why are people thinking it is strange that the OP wants to keep it secret until 12 weeks? It is a common practice to not tell until after the 12 week scan.

What do you mean they are coming to your house? To visit and stay for a few days YANBU. To come over for the day YABU.

Also congratulations 😊

Congratulations ! Hope you feel better soon. 12 weeks may not be a magic cut off , but it is a generally accepted milestone to reach before going public, and if you feel more comfortable waiting until then , then that’s totally fine.

DH needs to say no, not available. Given you are not close, you don’t owe her an explanation, and you won’t need to row back when she does come and hears the happy news.

It's a non-issue? If you are strong about the 12 weeks, then stick with it.

MIL is questioning this, and wants to know exactly why we can't do any date before then, questioning if it's something bad and demanding a phone call etc.
can't take time off work, and leave it at that.

She's not even there, who cares if she is questioning this.

Unless it was originally agreed they came earlier, they have made all the arrangements and you seemingly just changed your mind, leaving them a bit in the lurch.

Of course there is a reason for 12 weeks! Statistically more miscarriages occur at this point. Also, you will have a scan by then and that would tell you if you had a missed miscarriage (I speak from experience).

So letting people know at 12 weeks is a completely understandable decision.

If they're not in contact with you all that much you could make up any sort of story to put them off. But be aware that they will probably put 2 and 2 together and know you lied at the point you tell them.

Surely it's your DH's call? Does he want to see the Korean aunt he hasn't seen since he was five, and, if so, will she still be in the country if you postpone the visit? If he'd like to see her, and she can only come on the original weekend, in your shoes, I'd just have an imaginary stomach upset and be sick in bed throughout the visit. (Or would they be staying with you? It's not clear, nor are the distances involved.)

Could they come earlier and you just pretend to have a bug and spend lots of time in bed? Or just lie and say your mum/brother/aunt (whatever) is staying with you for a few weeks so you can't accommodate everyone before the 12 week date? Or you're doing an important exam with work and only want to host people once it's finished?
By the way, I was very strict (and superstitious) about not telling anyone until 12 weeks. Then I did and had a miscarriage at 14 weeks.

Are they just coming for the day? You can always tell them you have a stomach bug. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. By saying you can’t see them at all until week 12 you are creating a mystery form to em which they will try and solve with lots of questions.

Congratulations- you must be delighted!

Your body and your baby do your choice when to tell people. Nobody else has any right to that information until you want to share it.

Just make something up - you've got 4 or 5 weeks to fill in until the 12 weeks I'm guessing :

Weekdays are all work work work, we won't get proper time with you all.

Weekends:
1: we have friends visiting from out of town so they are staying Friday night - Sunday morning
2: we spotted a last minute deal on tickets to xyz so will be going to city 2 hours away taking up the whole weekend
3: illness - think it's Covid, really wiped us out
4: DH has a friends stag do / birthday thing so you have your mum / sister best friend coming to stay and keep you company

Thanks for the replies!

I realise 12 weeks won't mean I'm completely out of the woods, but statistically, it's a point we'd both feel comfortable announcing to close family at least.

If MIL/BIL were supportive, kind people, and we had a strong relationship, perhaps we would feel different announcing it to them earlier. MIL was abusive to DH as a child, and he keeps her at arms length for a good reason which I support.

We never agreed for them to come earlier, this is something MIL has requested as she doesn't want to come at a later date. Auntie would still be in the country at a later date. They would come on Saturday,stay the night,go home Sunday.

DH wants to just call it off, but I wanted to try postpone it if possible. I thought it would be nice to announce a pregnancy whilst his auntie was in the UK.

I feel like we've made a mountain out of a molehill now, but a mixture of work commitments and a last minute holiday might be the best excuses😅

Honestly, I’d allow him to call it off.

They’re already being pushy. This is his family and I’d just go with what he wants.

Congratulations,

I would ask yourself if you would still tell them if the unthinkable happened? It's a pretty hard thing to keep to yourself but I appreciate everyone is different. My family's support was so helpful to me when I went through a miscarriage so I never saw the point I'm not telling them. It's really up to you, and I wish you all the best

OP, given that your DH rarely sees his own mother and hasn't seen the aunty since he was 5, I would call it off. If the aunty is still in the country maybe you could arrange to meet for a day somewhere neutral at a later date.

Just let him call it off or meet them on his own for lunch.

Given she is trampling over being told no it doesn't bode well adding a dc to the mix. Personally I would tell them you have Covid and are ill. Send links to an Airbnb and tell her you will let her know if you can meet up at all.